Yes, I know how you feel my son's behaviour is also very challenging and I want him to move out. He can be abusive too especially when drunk. He also tries to use me. Deep down though I know he loves me but he has low self esteem, he was brought up in an alcoholic home and is deeply affected. Through alanon I'm learning to detach and it means his angry awords mean nothing, they come from his denial and guilt so cannot hurt me. If I feel resentment grow I know its time to work through my steps. It's so very difficult, as a mother our hopes are so high but acceptance of where he's at right now helps. Take care.x

It is possible that he has an antisocial personality disorder on top of/in conjunction with his substance abuse. Those two things often go hand and hand (but most alcoholics/addicts are not antisocial personalities).

Here is a brief description of what a person with antisocial personality disorder is like:

Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another

He simply loves alcohol/drugs more than anyone - including himself.

In the Step 9 amends portion of AA's Big Book is talks about how we have treated our parents so shocklingly and that there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. What I did was sit down with each parent and frankly analyze the past (without causing more harm). I admitted I stole and paid them back. I admitted about 9 other general things I had done over the years that covered everything - they know I know I caused them pain, worry, doubt & confusion. I told them I would try my best not to repeat these things. They said it was the words that hurt the most.

I am an adult child of horrific dysfunction, the rejected scapegoat...I still made my amends anyway because it's about cleaning up our side of the street.

Have I been perfect as I continue to try and free myself of the codependency? No. Have I improved? Yes. Have I stayed sober? Yes. Do they know I'm safe at night? Yes. Do I show up and add to their lives sometimes? Yes. Do I react to their manipulation sometimes? Yup! I'm still human and still growing.

It took me 11 years of sobriety to make those amends. I sat in AA meetings for years suffering not knowing any truths but these days we know where the program of recovery is outlined - in the Big Book - and how to do it.

This is a family disease and everyone must do their own work in recovery. I am so glad you're here and would be even "gladder" to hear you go to Alanon meetings and whatever other 12-step fellowship you choose.

The only thing you can do is get tools, work thru the guilt of not saving him (and you WILL - slowly), and pray for him. Ask God to bring your son to Him. Even if you think God isn't listening or you don't know Him - I tell you there is tremendous power when we intercede thru prayer for others.

sheristeele wrote:

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I kicked my A son out of the home over 2 months ago.  This past week he calls and says that he "needs money for groceries" and that he needs to see a doctor.  I went and picked him up and took him to the ER and paid for his medications when he was released. He was smart mouthed and rude to me several times in the ER although I was firm about not fighting with him as I had learned in Al-anon.  While at the ER, he mentioned several times that he needed groceries at the friend's home where he is staying, so I told him I would not give him money for groceries, but would pick him up today and take him shopping for groceries and gave him a time to meet me.  Well, he didn't show nor did he call.  My first thought was he wanted money, not groceries.  Typical.

My question is for those out there that have been through a loved one actually recoving, or are recovered themselves.  I often wonder if my A son really does love me or if he just keeps me on the occasional string  to use when he wants something.  It is so heartbreaking as a mother to think that my own son could care less about how badly he treats his family.  He is verbally abusive; al-anon teaches that it is the disease causing this, but he doesn't even seem to care at all about his family.  I see no indication that it is only the disease making him hate us.  The things he says to me are not only mean they are horrible. I do try to ignore them and not give him any rise out of me, but he is very good at finding the right words to cut my heart and two.  Detatchment is hard when the person who is supposed to love you treats you worse than strangers.  Any thoughts?

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I relate!!  Home group and sponsor and constant reading of the daily literature worked for me...not just going to meetings which were blessed social events in my life. I learned that my spouse was sick and not bad and I also learned to detach from her totally...there was no rule in law or ethics which demanded that I keep myself within the abuse and so I reached my bottom with it and detached with love.  She was free to live her life as she chose without my support or interference and I got away from the abuse.  One of many things I learned about abuse is that it is much easier to abuse a person who loves you because they always be counted on to come back to it.  When I learned how to be just with myself...to love myself as I loved others I put an end to it and eventually she had enough of the pain herself and went to get help without my enabling habits.  There is no justification for the abuse on any level...people go to jail for it.   Keep coming back!!  ((((hugs)))) 

Thanks Jerry and Tortuga.  Yes, I do not understand the verbal rubbish that comes out of their mouths.  I often wonder though, does he REALLY believe those nasty unbelieveable-to-most people things that he says?  It is incredible how the alcoholic/addict will blame the rest of the world especially when most alcoholics will tell you that they are burdened with a ton of guilt.  You would think that would just bring MORE guilt on themselves for all the hurt they cause their loved ones.  I guess I am learning in that I do my own thing when he isn't around.  I do find myself falling back into old routines around him though.  Just when I feel I am getting ahead in my steps, I feel as if he knocks me down one.. I guess It just have to pick myself back up and go up the step again.