The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been chatting fairly regularly with a friend for quite a while. It was almost a psudo boyfriend/girlfriend kind of relationship, but I haven't been kidding myself that we're truly committed to one another. Just kind of settled him into the close friend category with the understanding that nothing's really going to go beyond that.
Recently the dynamics of the friendship have changed with no explanation. He's aloof now any time we talk. I did ask him frankly if something was wrong and he said no. But it is crystal clear to me that something's changed and he's not willing to be open with me about it.
This whole situation has had my co-dependency traits going haywire, however, and it's shown me yet again how addicted I am to other people. Especially people that pay attention to me regularly. If that changes, then I'm left feeling hurt and confused. My head takes over at the expense of my serenity trying to figure out the "why's" and then goes into the "what the hell's this person's problem?" and "screw him!" and then "jeez, I thought we were friends - I want to treat him like a friend still, but it's clear he has other ideas."
I spent the other night just raking this frienship through the first three steps... I'm powerless over this other person, and my wanting to understand why they've changed all of a sudden is making my life unmanageable. I see how crazy this is making me and this is something that I could turn over to my HP. So now I turn this friend and friendship over to my HP because I'm freaking clueless as to where to go next.
I look at it all right now, and at times I want to laugh and other times I want to just cry because I do care about this person. It's just interesting how my psyche decides to handle these things. From going "Oh, isn't that interesting. Okay." to then taking an inventory of this friend's shortcomings and why this person isn't worth any more of my time, to then looking at myself and going jeez, Kelly. Seriously? Be nice. Then wondering if I should contact this person or not... blah blah blah.
As far as contact goes, I'm currently going by the mantra "when in doubt, don't."
I guess right now all I can do is wish this friend of mine well. Accept that I feel hurt, of course, but know that HP has a plan and that I'm not in this alone.
(((((Kelly))))) honi honi...appears that the friend has more power than openly admitted...my recovery practice has taught me to work it with all of my friends and family so that if and when they move on in anyway it is automatically okay with me. It helps me to not checking and rechecking to see if the umbilical cord is still connected or there at all and it also helps me to build the number of relationships I have so that the passing of one doesn't create such a void in my life and feelings. This is the kind of situation which helps me to realize the poem some one gave me in early Al-Anon...I think you know it cause you also have time; "If you love something let it go. If it never comes back it was never mean't to be. If it does come back...love it forever. Kinda sorta fits for me so I don't obsess or withdraw or compulse over something or someone that has a mind of it's own.
This is a battle I have to constantly wage. And if I do ask for clarification and get back an answer that doesn't sit well, I have to tell myself to relax and give it time. Sometimes I'm assuming things that aren't there which causes me nothing but grief. I find myself doing it in a new relationship and as I learn to take a deep breath and say to myself "relax" I give myself some time to reassess later. Often I find it was just my wild "stories" I tell myself.
I have to be careful of my stories, they are involved and detailed and rarely with a good outcome and cause me anxiety and stress for 99% of the time no reason, totally unfounded. The few times I'm right, worrying did me no good, prevented nothing and did not help me deal with whatever it was.
Give it time and I sure understand where you are. Life long habits are hard to break.
Sounds like a lot of awareness. That on-again-off-again kind of relationship was the kind that sucked me in the most -- worrying, asking myself what I did, being so relieved when they were friendly again... Now I know it's a red flag and I hope I have the sense to start running next time it happens. But it's so easy to be sucked into the chaos. Take good care of yourself!
I was just reading the first sticky at the top of the board and this stuck out for me. If we practice the 12 steps in all aspects of our lives we will among other things "love without losing ourselves". How beautiful is that? It's good that you are recognizing when you are going into a tailspin.
I can hear your program in action in your writing. I respect that. You are trying the best you can using the steps and your alanon program as your moral compass. That is the best any of us can do in our relationships and endeavors.
Sounds like step 12 to me....you are trying to live the principles in all your affairs... but remember....progress not perfection :)
Aloha...just wanted to say I'm in a similar headspace. I am keeping someone at arm's length because I'm not sure i'm ready to venture into a relationship that I cannot predict the outcome...
and what IS it with the "wild stories" we tell ourselves? I can spin on what ifs for hours...
and sometimes I can move away from that spinning...and sometimes I'm not so successful...
i really like how you use your program. i am like you too, i expect my friends to be a ceryain way and if there is a change i react just like you. i never actually put it down to my sickness before so thank you i will watch out for this and use my steps.
i think our progrsm tells us to reach out in this kind of situation, can you call your friend and just try to pick up where you left off?
Thank you, everyone, for your support and thoughts.
el-cee, I'm not sure if things can go back to how they were previously. Doesn't feel that way, but I am determined to still be a decent human being - treat this friend as I would any other, but I think I need to shift and adjust my expectations of how I'm used to this person responding and behaving around me.
All I can do is be the person my HP would have me be, and show up in a manner that lets me feel good about myself. Courteous and respectful. Those are hard to do when I'm feeling hurt and offended. Just have to let those feelings run their course without unloading them on my friend.
It's been real interesting to watch myself process through it all. Reminding myself "this, too, shall pass." helps. Also remembering that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling when it comes up - I just don't want to barf all those feelings out on this friend. He apparently must have his own crap he's working through himself, whatever it is.
Feeling better slowly, one day at a time. I have Al-Anon and my program to thank for that. It gives me the tools to reason these things through instead of just being hostage to my emotions and feeling like a victim.
