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Well. The may be the last straw. My ah of 15yrs came home having had a few....early though I was just getting 8yo to bed. It was clear he was agitated and I tried to stay low ....nothing worked. First he went off on ploitics...rage. Then it turned on me...i didnt react right so..."youre s***, and fu...leave"...the tirad continued despite my futile efforts to calm him down. Child crying down hall. He was awful...yet "its all you(me)...yourr(me)the one who wrecked our family". it was beyond awful....usually when hes this way hell walk out..tonight I swear he just wanted to go off and be sure I "got it through my head how much he hates my family...thats mild based on his wrds tonite, finds me small minded and frigid and an "f.in piece of s***". He made some other horrid comments thst will be etched in my mind..im not sure I can even pretend to want to stay married. That said, I left the room....phys sick w anxiety to go comfort my child who was sobbing. I was shaking so bad...i had to leave to go.take bp and anx meds. What did he do....go to bed. After my sobbing child fell asleep I made one more effort to deal w him...got nowhere...told me to " go ask my daddy for help" to find a lawyer.... I really wanted to beat him at that point and im NOT a violent person. As I walked out of bdroom he said...lets take our time, find u a placeto live and c what we can agree to....then the cussing me out stsrted again. And he wonders why I dont find him attractive.... That said, im suppised to go to work in morning, I guess ill come home w child...tuesdays he is typ at a bar half night anyways. But I dont know what to do after that. I want resolution.NOW...i WANT to snap my fingers and have a place, be beyond the heartache my child will feel and be done....not gonna be that easy. We do have no fault div in ny now and all I want is enough to get a downpaynent on a house and maybe 50% equity in house eventually....thing is, I DONT WANT TO RELINQUISH MY CHILD...EVER...THAT IS PARALYZING ME.....it has been for yrs. I cant bear the thought of not being w her every day and night, the idea if him exposing her to another woman, etc...i know he has a right but...thing is if and when we divorce...IM DONE....im loyal to a fault until I finally decide im done. How can I do that and share a child, my child, my baby....please help.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 22nd of January 2013 07:28:11 AM
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
((Theoceancalls)) Your post resonates with me, I have a 4yr old with my abf and had many evenings and days like yours last night. If only we could snap are fingers and it would all go away unfortunatly thats not gonna happen. Its overwhelming when we try to look into the future and think about our children and the what if..(other woman around children, them moving on etc. We only have the present, and the future is not revealed. Surrender sometimes is the only thing we can do, and revisit the first 3 steps, admitting we are powerless over alcoholism, and the alcoholic and our lives have become unmanagable, only then can we move onto step 2 and come to believe a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity and then hand our lives and our will to the god of our understanding. in my experience when i truly surrendered then things started changing, alot of praying and repeating the serenity prayer got me through some really hard times. I found the hardest thing was letting go, and letting God. I wanted to control the alcoholic and everything else, only by letting go did things improve and my abf had to become responsible for himself and get the help he needed, not what i think by letting go my abf is now going to AA and start to work a programme, all this happened without my interference. (shocking lol)
You dont have to have all the answers all at once, be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.
Much love and support.
Simone
-- Edited by Zimmy on Tuesday 22nd of January 2013 02:50:54 AM
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
I'm sorry you are going through. Hopefully, sharing about it will give you clarity about choices that will affect you and your daughter's future. From personal experience, after I came out of denial, I started a Plan B. If nothing else, it gave me comfort to know I had a few things in place which helped me to feel more empowered and less victimized. Divorce is a very big decision. Planning allowed it to be a response rather than a reaction to the disease. Thanks for sharing. Hugs. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Tuesday 22nd of January 2013 08:18:13 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank u. Sadly im hearing my ah repeatedly in my head...and I.just want out. Ive tried so hard the past three yearss...mtgs, rdgs, here, prayers....that I just dont know how much more I can endure. Im worn out in every sense of thr word. Getting out woukd be best for all of us. Hes a misersble alc, im an anxiety ridden mess.. And my dear sweet child us stuck. So do sad., and yet...im all to blame. Guess thats my cross to bear....
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Oh...btw wsy...this last episode is only s string of many in the last several yrs. This time im just not sure I can move on and make nice. Wont be surprised if in motn he tries to make nice...thats always when I cave but.....not sure this time
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I totally understand the fear of leaving because you don't want to lose your child. I still have that fear. My AH I am sure will try to tell everyone I am crazy. I asked my attorney what I should do if that happens and his response to me was how do you prove a negative? He told me that it is all about credibility. I have led a good life and I have been a good mother. My biggest adult I believe is allowing my children to endure this crazy lifestyle for far too long.
It really hit home for me last night as I was trying to comfort my 10 year old son. He truly thinks it is normal and okay to have a daddy who sleeps so much...to have a house that is falling down around us...to have cans and bottles hidden around the house...to have a mommy and daddy that don't even sleep in the same room. Yes it is his normal and that is the worst part. Nobody should have to grow up like this. I am doing what I have to do. For so long I thought about doing it, but I wanted to do it because I thought it would help my AH see the light and seek recovery. (There is still part of me that is hoping for that). But it was when I finally just couldn't do it one more day for my own sanity that I realized I needed to make a change. Whether or not he finds help for himself, I need to do this for me. My kids need me to do it for me so they can have a better life.
I hope and pray that you and your child find the peace and happiness you both deserve. You will decide what to do when the time is right and you will be okay. I keep telling myself that if I can still be standing strong after all I have been through the this will most definitely not take me down.
Please take care of yourself, and especially take care of your child. If it is unendurable, remember that there is no requirement to endure it. You don't have to stay with him, you don't have to stay married, you don't have to convince him to be different or endure it if he isn't. Please get all the support you can. Hugs.
Here is something a friend of mine suggested to me....take a step outside your house and look down it from above. Watch what goes on in that house. If you can live that way then stay. If not then make a change. It helped me open my eyes to some things that I was afraid to truly see.
After so much damage has been done it is hard to move on and make nice. It is all going to take time and you don't owe anyone to rush through the process. I'm learning that while I can always make sure that my side of the street is clean .. I am not responsible for his side of the street. I can be civil. Chances are he's not going to be. It's not my issue.
As far as the kids go, trust me when I say he will want to be around her a lot less than you fear. As hard as it has been, the kids go to visit their dad and he's always returning them early. So really he doesn't want the reminder of what he left behind. I know it's hard to let go knowing how irresposnible they are and they aren't parental material. Even they know it.
What I really have come to realize is that I was doing it all and just didn't know it. It's one of those deals, it took him leaving for me to become aware that I didn't have to live like that even though I thought I had no other options.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My daughter lived your life. After another horrific night of verbal abuse she woke in the morning & saw herself through her daughter's sad eyes (she was just 2 at the time) She saw an exhausted, frightened, sad & lonely wreck who couldn't fasten her daughter's buttons on her dress her hands were shaking so much.
That was her breaking pointthat day she began to source all the help available to support her, from family, work, medical, social services etc etc and when it was all in place she put him out. Knowing this was her goal gave her the strength to keep going.
She spent years isolating and hiding the truth but when eventually she reached out things slowly began to change.
We, her parents, didn,t know the half of it & it breaks my heart what he did to her, how he broke her.
Her journey was slow & painful at times but one thing I always used to tell her was first things first,........ you can't eat an elephant all at once!
Four years on they are both thriving, I have a daughter who has high self esteem, who went back to university and now has a great job she loves. My grand-daughter is a boisterous bundle of enthusiasm & fun......(although every now & then asking questions re her Daddy)
He is still drinking, sick in mind, body & spiriteverything gone.
You are a worthy person, worthy to be loved, cherished and respected. Let it begin with you.
Thank u. Sadly im hearing my ah repeatedly in my head...and I.just want out. Ive tried so hard the past three yearss...mtgs, rdgs, here, prayers....that I just dont know how much more I can endure. Im worn out in every sense of thr word. Getting out woukd be best for all of us. Hes a misersble alc, im an anxiety ridden mess.. And my dear sweet child us stuck. So do sadlu...im all to blame
Thsnk u again. Your story sounds like mine. This morningi stuck to the I cant fo this anymore...which added more anger and thrn slight remorse...not really. Its the getting out the door bf I submitt that is the part that bothers me. I want this done....yestetday. Not gonna happen...so now what...i may priv message u...i just
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
TheOceanCalls, you are not the things he called you. He called you those things out of his own desire to make himself feel better. You need to surround yourself with some people who will comfort you and help you see the good person you are. I hope you can get to a Face to Face meeting quickly, and find some encouragement. Hold your child tightly. Remind her of how much you love her. Pray for peace for you.
You are all spking to my heart. Its been a lng painful road. Ill take some bame...but listening to my child sob while he vblasted at me, swore, and pounded his fists...thats too much. No child deserves that...hus response...shes not the first kd whose parents fought....unbelievable. Im feeling a littletrapoed though bc I couod kove out to my parents...did that early in marr...pre child....ive pd for it ever since im fearful hed make it more hell than it is....but I did stand my grd as calmly as I coukd and said, no more...we have to get out of this....u will all hear more.....kerp me I your thoughts and prayers. Im weak and weary...
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I have taken my kids to counseling after living through nights similar to yours. It is sad what our normal can become. Please seek help the next time. When it comes time to split your kid and or childs counselor can help with the placement of your kid. Whenever you feel scared or abused you could call the police and have him removed so your son and you could get a good nights sleep. Do you have a sponsor? I would suggest having him removed and changing the locks, if you can afford the bills. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Ocean Calls, I feel your pain...I am going through something similiar right now with my AH. Any time he is drinking heavily, we get into fights, mostly about our 6 yr old DS who is very energetic, high spirited and hyperactive...he can't do anything right in his father's eyes and is constantly being yelled at for something.
Last night he took his belt off his pants and threatened both kids with it for every little thing, slamming it down forcefully in front of them (sometimes he lightly spanks them with it or grabs one of them forcefully...if they aren't going to the table fast enough for dinner, for instance). He was angry about everything last night, but somehow it is all our fault or the kids fault. He says I am not the same woman he married...no how could I be with the constant craziness I have lived with for 8 years?
So I start to yell at him that he can't treat our children that way and then he claims they are not respecting or listening to me, and that by doing these things, he gets them to listen (which isn't true, they just listen sometimes out of fear.) He says that they listen when he is home alone with him, and that they don't as soon as I walk into the room because they know they can get away with stuff with me. No, it's that they know they can be themselves and be "children" around me and not have to be afraid to bounce or play or make noise.
Each time we have this fight about the kids, it results in a big crying mess, with me trying to protect their feelings, him calling me names and to "go F myself" and on and on. Last night our son cried so hard that he wound up with a fever in the middle of the night. And AH says it is not because of him or anything to do with him. We have talked about separating and him getting his own place, but he cannot afford much. He is unemployed right now and I make all the money. I will not leave the house we bought with mostly my money that I worked so hard for. So I know it would be another fight just to get him out of the house, and I too, worry about him parenting the kids and them not being around me. I want to be with them all the time to protect them from his drinking and anger, yet unless he moves out, this seems insurmountable. Then he comes upstairs later and wants some romance, and we fight about that too because it is always late and on a work night (and he doesn't have to get up the next day) and he eventually forces me into it and soon it is 1 am and I have to get up at 6 am and I am a wreck from all the yelling, drinking and forced encounter. It is awful.
And he needs me so badly..I don't want to be in this marriage anymore, but I know there is this sliver of hope I keep hanging onto, this obligation to take care of him, and this guilt for my children....after we fought, my DS came into the room and put a photo in my face of my AH and I when we first met and said, "lets put this photo right here and look at it before we go to bed." I have talked with him before that daddy and I might live in separate places, but he has said, "No, I don't want Daddy to live somewhere else, he's not that bad." It's heartbreaking, but something has to change, and that change is only going to come from me. I feel for you and understand your situation.
the tears run down my face as I read this. Its my story. He knows hes an angry alc yet its me that had the prob and needs to change. Sure...ive changed , like , due to yrs of living this craziness. Now that im one step out yhr doir hes saying he will go to counseling and if I wont thrn he will sure to make sure our daughter knows who wouldnt try...and he will fight me for 50/50 custody which makes me sick to my stomach. I have begged for yrs that he get help ...not judt for alc but lots elsr...his solution is thst if only I woukd show I need him and desire him..all woukd bewell. Im now the bad one ...not yhstbthete had to be one and he wants fifty fifty custody. Im now back to being paralyzed....
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I think what helped me when I got to the point of no return was to do a plan be. That is to work out what it is you need if you live him. Make a plan, set out the needs clearly and where those needs can be met. Do you have a good divorce attorney. Do you know people who have divorced and got full custody how did they do it. There are groups of women on the internet who can help with that. I don't have the direct link but I certainly have come across them. Then the issue of where would you live, short term, long term how could that happen, what would the interim process be etc etc.
When I was working on the plan be I was oblivious to the now ex A's rants and raves. I kept my focus on that. Of course I did not tell him I was working on it either!
Mine was very rudimentary and was pretty basic. I think there are times when we outline what we need to do that everything gets simpler. I have had to learn to stay calm whatever happens.
You can get out and let him go to counseling afterwards -- you don't have to endure any more of this waiting for him to go to counseling, fulfill his promises, etc. When we are around the insanity of alcoholism, we get sucked into the insanity too. And the alcoholics try to play on our guilt and feeling of being needed. What they need is AA and their Higher Power. They do not need people to batter and blame. Take good care of yourself.
I so want to reply to so manyy of you. Yuo all remind me im not lone. Im not sure what to do...im in reaction mode. I want out but I dont want for go my 100% mom status, I dont WANT a divorce...does anyone really. Im planning to still get some support to know what are my options. I may consider cnslg bc ill be damned that gets thrown at me. Im a counselor myself...i know the deal. Maybe if he will agree to 8_10 sessions ill go...hell either solve the dilemma and i will want the divorce even more having triec ir, maybe its the sliver of hope so many of us hold onto. Im dreading going home...this was not supposed to be my life.....im sure I will write more later. You all have been a Godsend today.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Hugs to you! I have been through a very similar situation with my AH. After a night similar to what you described, I called around and got an emergency appointment with an attorney for a visit to learn my options. I have 3 kids and was terrified that somehow he would manipulate the system to keep me from them. My attorney said that I could record his tiraid via my smartphone. That is perfectly legal. She said she doubted any judge would allow unsupervised visits if his verbal abuse was how I described. I ended up not doing this because I took my kids and moved out. As someone mentioned, he was not that interested in having the kids for visitation because it cramped his drinking style. That was 3 years ago and He is sober now and we are back together. He relapsed recently, but is back on a good track now. I send hugs and positive energy to you. Take care of yourself and your precious babe. AlAnon saved my life. Literally. I wish you peace....love!
You are not alone. Never, never alone. Your post tugs at my heart and brings tears to my eyes because I've been there. I was scared. I was depressed. I had low self-esteem. I was confused, desperate for my family to stay together and felt overall defeated. Overwhelmed at what my past and present were and what to do about the future. I started with therapy for myself. After two years my therapist said my marriage was chaotic and traumatic and I had to give myself permission to let go. My ex refused treatment this last time. He had been 3 prior times and had a suicide attempt too. I had to let go. It took me some time to see it and accept it and be at peace with it.
Tonight? Just breathe. Tomorrow when you wake up. Just breathe. Nothing will resolve itself overnight. Take some time to digest the situation, seek help and do what you need to do for yourself and your child. That's all you can do. I will never forget how scary that time was for me. How uncertain I was, but I am here to say that it will work out. ((hugs)) to you!
Be careful with that type of anger. My husband was like that for a long time. I finally got so frustrated that I started pushing him or throwing things at him in frustration.He took it for a while and then one night, he snapped and came back at me physically and when he started, he didn't stop. The verbal abuse and trying to goad you into an argument sounds so familiar. Please protect yourself and your little girl. An angry alcoholic is no one to mess around with. Don't let things escalate to that point.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I DONT WANT TO RELINQUISH MY CHILD...EVER...THAT IS PARALYZING ME.....it has been for yrs. I cant bear the thought of not being w her every day and night, the idea if him exposing her to another woman, etc...i know he has a right but...thing is if and when we divorce...IM DONE....im loyal to a fault until I finally decide im done. How can I do that and share a child, my child, my baby....please help.
Taking that statement only into account, I will tell you from my experience.
Read the laws in your state regarding family, domestic violence, visitation, child support etc.
Take into account your experiences and the "legal loopholes" DO NOT depend on an attorney to help you. Trust me- my attorney was the "top" in my city and charged $350.00 an hour- to the tune of about 71 grand in legal fees where I still got screwed. Emotionally I was 100% in the right. However, legally I didn't have a "legitimate paper trail to justify within the courts what was in the best interest of the child." Had I known now what my end result would be... I would have done so many things different.
Starting with:
1. taking into account HE was to drunk to ever file for divorce. I should have in retrospect- started my prep then to get out before jumping the gun and filing by: taking the child on a vacation to the other family home which happened to be out of state, extended the vacation long enough to establish my residency in that state THEN filed for divorce in that state on my terms.
2. taken meticulous care to make copies of all financial statements, tax returns, expenditures etc.
3. called the police on him during his "drunk screaming rages" when the child was in the home. that paper trail ALONE would have eliminated my court ordered requirement for his access to her now. Which is still a flipping nightmare- for her.
4. stashed cash. out of the grocery money...whatever. where ever I could find it. once I filed it took close to 3 months to regain access to funds muchless get a nickel out of him.
5. buy a new car and grab a credit card in my name only.
6. get a p.o. box
7. kept my mouth shut with him- made notes and done more research on his shennannigans before I left the house.
8. rented a storage unit and SLOWLY started stashing stuff we would need .... like clothing.
