My attorney wants me to come in tomorrow to sign the divorce papers so we can finally file. I don't know why I keep having reservations about this. When he is following me around the house calling me a b.... And a coward and crazy I know for sure I need to divorce. Why then do I still have reservations? He hasn't stopped drinking nor has he said he would. He did tell me he would go back to marriage counseling if that would stop the divorce. A good friend of mine reminded me that no amount of counseling is going to help unless he finds recovery. I know she's right. Why then do I feel it necessary to prolong the inevitable? My kids and I both deserve some peace and sanity in our lives. Today is my birthday and when I woke up I told myself that I would give myself the gift of a new start. Don't I owe it to myself? I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize myself anymore. I have aged so much! Why am I so afraid to face life on my own? I keep waiting and hoping my hp will intervene and something will happen so I don't need to file. I don't know what I am waiting to happen, but I guess if want change I have to be the one to do it. Thanks for listening yet again. I would love some words of wisdom.

Imom, I can completely relate to your share.

I learned to tell myself to make the decision each day that I felt I needed to make. And some days it was simply that I was not going to decide that day. When I did leave, I had no doubt and I was glad that I did. The peace was amazing. A few weeks after leaving, I doubted the decision I made. But I can tell you that the first email I received, I was no longer doubting. Later, I doubted again, got an email or phone call and my doubt was gone. Even now after 10 weeks of being separated, I still love my husband passionately and completely. He started emailing me a lot 2 days ago. We talked a lot via email, no phone calls. He is out of the country for work right now and I think regretting his decisions. He will be very nice and say how much he still loves me and how much he wants us to be together, just that it won't work. He asks me what do we need to do to make it work, I reply back with my suggestions and ideas for improving our family life and what do you think he says?? He replied each time with that I am still not giving him a plan to change ME and the KIDS. Funny, I thought he was the alcoholic and he was the one that wanted a divorce. I moved out, but it was because he said he never wanted to marry me to begin with. That was the straw for me. It seems like each time I start to melt and hear his loving kind words, my HP puts right back in front of my face the real him and the real way he behaves. With one sentence, I am back to being glad I made the choice for me and my kids. Glad I chose to keep us safe, build a healthy future and make myself happy.

In the mail today we got my oldest sons acceptance letter for one of the best universities in the US for Engineering. My son also received a $44,000 scholarship from that school. And guess what, my AH (not the kids father) had sent me an email asking if the kids would be willing to change right before I opened that letter. In his email he said how much he missed them and wanted me to tell them he loved them. He asked if he could see them and talk to them soon. This man told me that last time he spoke to me in our home (6 DAYS before I moved out) that he never wanted the kids and never wanted to be their stepfather. I replied to him that today was one of the happiest days in my life and that our oldest son just received these things from a top university. He did not even reply. Not one word sent back to me. I know he got the email. He can't even say congratulations and that he is proud of him. I am choosing to not let this ruin a wonderful day, but it was one more reminder that I made the decision I needed to make. He can promise that we will get counseling again, he can say he loves us and he can say he misses me. But actions speak louder than words. Not once would he agree to get help for his drinking. I am choosing me and my kids because I know that without this disease in my life and theirs, I can build a wonderful future for us that I am proud of.

I can't tell you what is best for you, I can only say love yourself and understand that you deserve to be treated like a queen from the man in your life. I am learning for myself that if I don't expect better, I won't get it. Do what is right for you and those days that you just don't know what that is, take a break, breathe and let your HP guide you. You will get there and when you do, you will know. Sign the papers if you think its the right thing to do, its just the start of the divorce, its not the end. I hated signing mine but I know that he has another 78 days to change his mind before it is final. If he does, he does, if he doesn't, I will be ok.

Hugs iMom,

Happy Birthday!! Woot woot!!

These are sooo many changes all within a short period of time. It is overwhelming, scary, exciting, overwhelming, amazing, frustrating, overwhelming. :) You get my point.

I still have moments of fear and the whole am I doing the right thing. The reality is, .. yes .. I'm doing the right thing. My kids are happier, I'm happier. Life is working itself out and it's exciting .. again .. overwhelming. It's ok.

It's that first step of being powerless over alcoholism and my life has become unmanagable. My life currently is soooo much more managable and I am learning to accept the powerlessness over the effects of alcoholism in my life. I can't control over other people, places and things.

I really encourage you to throw yourself into your program. It is what helped me get through the darkest days.

Hugs P :)

My own experience taught me that I had to hit bottom to understand that I didn't want to be there and play that game anymore. We talk of the A hitting rock bottom but we hit it as well. I look at my past and just shake my head, I can't believe i let myself go there; I can't believe it took so much time to finally see what I was going through was WRONG. And, truthfully, I kept waiting and hoping he was going to return to the loving man I'd fallen in love with.

Last week when I was with my therapist, she asked me a question that finally really got me thinking. She asked if I was grieving being away from my husband and the end of my marriage or was I grieving the loss of the dream. I have been dreaming for years what I wanted my marriage to be, even sort of living in that dream instead of actually living in the marriage. It was a protection measure for myself. Through our discussion I finally realized that it was not really him or the loss of him in particular that I was mourning. I could not say a good thing about him with out it sounding like I was defending. I am mourning the death of my dreams of what a marriage should be and what I had dreamed it would maybe some day be. You are a strong amazing woman and you will get through this. Focus on you and your healing.

As awful and codependent as it sounds - I did take comfort when breaking up from knowing I was not a bad looking person and there were other fish in the sea. Practically speaking - you can toss the sick, nasty, diseased, and inconsiderate fish back in the sea and go fishing for an attractive healthy one LOL.

This is being said knowing that the right answer is to feel good about you and work on you aside from any relationship. But hey - whatever helps give you hope. Your AH is NOT your only chance at a happy relationship. In fact, he's your least likely chance.