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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Newbie...can we talk?
Post Info TOPIC: Newbie...can we talk?
Enabler2013


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Newbie...can we talk?
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Hi all.  I've been wanting to find someone to talk to for weeks now.  My man just keeps getting worse and worse.  Long story but I'll try to tell the 'nutshell' version:

When we got together we both drank...I think at that time I may have even drank more than he did (6 yrs ago).  He drank beer and I drank vodka.  Bought big bottles of vodka (cheap) and drank one a week between the 2 of us (he decided vodka was cheaper than beer at home so he started drinking that.  So in some ways I feel a little responsible for where it's gotten to).  Everything was ok then....we were both sober when we went to bed and rarely got drunk.

A couple years later he had a job that required him to get up at 1am, so he 'drank' himself to sleep.  Even that wasn't a problem...yet.  But that was what I consider the beginning of his problem.  Since then, he hasn't seemed to be able to go to sleep unless he's been drinking....a lot!

In the past 2 years it's just been escalating.  I'll admit, I have at least one drink almost every day...and the more he drinks, the less I do.  Here's where I am now:

He drinks one huge bottle of vodka in 3 days...and on some days he drinks at the bar first ( I have a glass or 2 of wine...but I HAVE told him that I'd stop completely if he got help...no alcohol in the house!).  I measured the contents of those bottles one day, knowing that it's waaaay too much.  He's drinking between 2-3 cups of vodka a night (which to some of you probably isn't that much).  I used to make his drinks, using about a shot or 2 of vodka and filling the pint glass up with soda.  It eventually got to where that wasn't enough...he wanted to taste the alcohol.  So he makes his drinks now, filling a pint glass half full of vodka, then topping it off with soda. 

It started getting really bad last year...around Nov/Dec to where I couldn't take it any more....so we started fighting about it.  Of course he blames me...it's all my fault  *another story for another day*  Anyway, here's where we are now. 

Some of our talks included his need to go to AA.  He admitted on one of his drunk nights (that he didn't remember in the morning) that he needed help but had to hit rock bottom first.  I told him he didn't really have to lose his job (again) to admit he has a problem (his job and car are all he has left...I feel he's lost me and it's my house we live in).  It's usually just pushed under the rug...and I just get distant when he's had too much.  I'd rather avoid fighting but I can't live like this anymore. 

I've marked the bottle so he'd maybe realize how much he's drank, writing down how much it was in how many short hours on the bottle (usually he drinks over 2 cups in a 2-3 hr period).  So now (the past 2 days) he's hiding a bottle (or something...I haven't found it yet) in his 'smoking' room and taking his drink in there with him (helloooo!!!  How obvious is that when he goes in there and comes out 10 mins later with the same amt...and he's not drinking as much out of the main bottle but getting just as drunk!!!). 

Then if he can't sleep on weekends or days when he has no work, he'll wake up in the middle of the night and drink a couple/few shots out of the bottle....Even when he knew I'd marked the bottle the night before.

I know you've heard all these stories before...I'm a bartender so I've seen a lot...but never cared enough about anyone to try to stick it out.  Been with drug addicts and alcoholics...I just got rid of them.  I do love 'Fred' and wish he'd get help...but I'm growing farther and farther away and wake up every morning wishing I was alone again with my kitties and he was gone. I'm to the point of....he either gets help and stops drinking OR he leaves.

If he doesn't get help soon, I'm done!  How can I go about talking to him more without fighting?  A good friend of mine is an alcoholic...been sober for over 2 years.  I have a lot of info from her that i wish he'd read.  Should I print it out and leave it on the table?  What can I do?  I've tried everything other than an intervention.  I know it's not as bad as it could be.....YET.....but I'd like to stop it before it gets any worse.



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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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welcome to mip.

Yep you have the right nic! (c: Thru Al Anon I learned their drinking is none of my business. As you have already seen, we can do nothing to stop them or start them on using.

It's not our fault one bit.We all make our own choices. No one can make another stop. We can only control what we do.

The fighting will continue unless we stop getting into their business. Looking for bottles, marking them is a waste of time. The A is an adult they have a right to choose what they are going to do. They have a right to cont. to also.

We have a right to accept them as is, and love them, using tools we learn from Al Anon.

Or cont. to live with them the way it is.

Or choose to walk away.

We can set boundaries and consequences. ex: no alcohol in the house. If you choose to drink, it will not be here. If they drink there, you decide, ex I will leave and find my own sobriety.

As far as hitting bottom, that is only an excuse to keep drinking. As for you, if you choose to stop, it is totally your decision, is irrational to depend that on his behavior.

Again that is your choice.

Same with your friend. Believe me they know they are using and they are sick. We can do nothing but take care of ourselves.

I hope you keep coming. There is so much to learn and we can get our lives so much better.

love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Enabler2013


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Just real quick to Debilyn...

I agree...they must make that decision. I'm probably just gonna walk away, but thought I'd give it a shot.

What I've always wondered is...why can I drink and I really don't care if I do or don't. I can and have stopped....but to me, my drinking (however seldom) is not a problem and if it was, I'd just stop. I don't have to be drunk to sleep or have fun...I don't need to 'loosen up' with alcohol (as he says). I've always wondered why it is that those that like it the most can't handle it! I've met so many raging alcoholics in my business....sad.

Gotta go to work now....I'll keep coming. I would like to get some more input on the subject.

Thanks!

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Annie1234


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Enabler, easy answer.  You're not an alcoholic.  :)  That's why you can enjoy a drink or two and stop.  I'm the same way.  We can't fix them, change them, or help them in any way.  It's up to them.  In the meantime, take care of you!!!  Hugs.



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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Enabler

Alcoholism is a progressive, incurable fatal disease over which we are powerless. Unless it is arrested it will lead to jails, institutions or death.

We who live with this disease require our own program of recovery because we adapt many negative attitudes and reactions that we need to unlearn . Alanon is that program of recovery Please check out the face to face meetings in your community and attend . Even if you decide to leave the relationship it would be wise to seek recovery



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Enabler2013


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So what I'm getting from these responses is that there's nothing we can do to help them. They need to decide on their own...they need to get help only when they're ready. Nothing we can do (ex: helping them realize how much they're drinking, how stupid they act, how much they actually don't remember when drinking, what they have to lose, etc etc) will make them stop or get help. We, as 'enablers' just have to sit back and watch their idiotic behavior and do nothing??

That's just so hard for me....and I'm getting to the end of my rope. There must be something we can do to help...BEFORE they hit 'rock bottom'.

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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Enabler

I urge you to not sit back and wait for rock bottom. One of the symptoms of the disease of alcoholism is "Denial ".The alcoholic denies that there is a problem and we deny the fact that we cannot change them. The insanity of these two belief systems continue to clash.

Please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. Here you will find support for your life and new constructive tools to live by. Changed attitudes by the family can aid recovery .

A good book that might convey the truths about alcoholism is "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice. Do not let the title fool you It is all about how to take care of ourselves and letting the alcoholic suffer the consequences of his actions.

Keep coming back



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
hdftby100


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We actually don't sit back in a sense. When they are sober, you have a talk with them ONCE and then leave it alone. You tell them that you are concerned about their drinking patterns, but you realize that you have no control over their behaviors and actions, only your behaviors and actions. You are going to stop mentioning it, counting how much he drinks, etc. you are going to work on taking care of you. The other things are his business and that is for him to take care of. Don't engage them in an argument or discussion. After simply saying that change the subject or just simply walk away. When I had this talk with my wife, I did it just like that and amazingly enough in that manner I got no reply and she never brought it up again. She was not as bad as a lot of people on here but what I did see is things got better for me. I can't really say if it is because I broke out on my insane behaviors of playing house detective or what but my life is better. Was my wife starting to get out of control or already there I can't say. I she sneaking alcohol when I am not around I don't know and frankly I don't think about that anymore. I do know that there are times when she would sit down with her wine every single night and now I see her sitting down with a glass of tea. Now granted she still drinks some but for ME life seems better because I started to worry about ME, not her.

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Enabler2013


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Ok....seems that the only time we talk about this is when he's been drinking. And then he tends to forget what it was that we talked about. So I'll have one sober talk with him about what you said, hdftby, and then won't bring it up again. Another problem I have is that our friends are starting to avoid us due to this. Most all of our friends are OUR friends so we do things together.
I don't even want him to go visit my daughter with me that lives 6 hrs away because the last time we went, one of the mornings he was trashed at 7am! We'd had plans to do something with the family (6 total) and he woke up (after visiting the vodka bottle a few times during the night) @ 6:30am with red eyes, reeking of alcohol! It was so embarrassing to me! I try to hide his problem from everyone but it's hard to hide when he wakes up drunk! We were all in the car together and I'm sure everyone could smell the alcohol. But of course, if I were to say anything to him at that point, he'd just get mad and end up in a fight in front of everyone.

Hdftby, I think you got lucky. Most people don't stop without help, at least not for very long. Last night I had a long chat with my alcoholic friend that hit rock bottom over 2 yrs ago. She told me all the tricks they do, thinking they're getting away with things. She was by far the worst I've ever seen....drinking a WHOLE big bottle of vodka a day...starting when she woke up. She lost all her friends and family before she went for help....but she tried to stop many times on her own with no luck.

I guess time will tell....I'm sure everyone's 'rock bottom' is different. Just hoping his isn't that 'low' :(

I'll keep coming here to 'vent' occasionally and write my updates. I hope no one minds if I use this as kind of a diary for myself.

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Enabler2013


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Ok.....nothing has changed, just not talked about. I've been keeping busy organizing my house. Got a ton of things to do. I've also been reading other topics and it all seems the same, yet different.

Hope everyone's having a good week :)

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