The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Our peak event in our home scared friends we used to associate with, and they uninvited us to their home and have written off my husband. They say that I am ok, but they don't like him. They talk about my husband like he is garbage when he is a man that made a mistake, and they completely forget that he is my life partner, not some guy I moved in with for some Hollywood inspired adventure. They don't understand the way alcohol influences interpersonal dynamics. I am only just beginning to, myself. The more I learn, the more forgiving I am of my family of origin, because I see how the behavior was so driven by alcohol. My experience allows me to have judgement with my husband after this peak event and believe in today and that there will be a tomorrow.
Yesterday they both texted me individually about getting together for coffee or something to try and rebuild, I think. I don't know how to handle this. There is an aspect of my professional life that is impacted by these friendships, so it needs to be addressed. I appreciate them reaching out but I am crushed that they would come to have such an ugly opinion of my husband, sober for more than 10 months now. They came to know him at his absolute best, too. I don't want to reach back. I need friends that have an awareness of the effects of alcohol, and recovery, and who respect us recovering as a couple. But I can't just avoid them.
I guess this is part of the rebuilding process. Any insight on how to address these relationships would be helpful. I'm tempted to say yes, we should do coffee sometime, but then keep canceling it, just to keep it social and not to affect work so badly. I worry that the direct approach could have other consequences where there are more hurt feelings and awkward moments to work through.
You can't control others or predict them. They aren't invested in a relationship with your husband like you are. Hence, it's just much easier for them to distance themselves from things they are afraid of.
People have the right to protect themselves from danger and violence - even if you are almost positive that your husband's behavior was something due to alcohol and not in his character, it doesn't much matter because that's not going to convince others. There are tons of people in prison right now for things they did under the influence. It's not a good excuse.
It's also you husband's reputation and his journey to travel. You don't need to feel the pain of judgment for hm or try to manage it. It usually takes longer than 10 months to rebuild a reputation upon becoming sober. Typically, alcoholics find greater understanding from peers in AA upon recovery. They nurture friendships within that setting and then after being sober much longer, they do a better job of presenting themselves to others as authentic and humble.
I'm hoping you are getting to some alanon meetings. People are more likely to be understanding in that setting (just as for him they are more likely to be understanding in AA). You might need make some new friends.
Perhaps adopt the old Dr. Seuss saying regarding the way people seem to deal with you guys about the past "Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter." As far as your friends as a couple are concerned, that's probably a truism.
Beekee, maybe they want to meet because they had a change of heart. They might want to meet because they want to make sure you are okay. They may want to meet to tell you how they feel. It's not your job to defend your husband for his actions. He is responsible for how he acted. And, as pinkchip stated, these friends aren't wrong for wanting to protect themselves. If you feel up to it, I would meet them to see what they have to say. However, if they start to speak badly of your husband, (ie, calling him garbage), I would ask them to respect you by not calling him names. Also, I would look for new friends, and as pinkchip, Al-Anon is a great place to meet people who have walked in your shoes, or are walking along side of you in your journey.
so much of this is about boundaries. For the people I work with I disclose very little about my personal life. I deal in generalities. There was a time when I was an open book.
Indeed if someone is really not available to me the subject of what they know about me becomes really limited.
I am able to have relationships with people on different levels because I employ boundaries and limits about what I will talk about, when I am available and what people can say to me. None of this comes overnight. I think it is a big part of recovery.
A great deal of information about boundaries and limits comes from books like Getting them Sober.
Ooo pinkchip you said something to shake my thinking around. It never occured to me that people in my life might want to protect themselves from danger or violence. It also hit me that prisons are full of those who have been convicted of crimes done under the influence. You're so right in both cases. I haven't seen/heard from my A/addict in two weeks and was going to go to his place tomorrow after work to see what's going on, but now I'm thinking I shouldn't. I love this man and never have been afraid of him, but he's done major prison time. I didn't know he'd been to prsion or had substance abuse issues until three months into knowing him as I explained in my story on another post. I don't know what to do now, but thank you for giving me something to think about. I haven't been to a meeting yet. The only meeting I can get to is after work on Tuesdays and my work schedule just changed so I can't make the meeting until my schedule goes back to my original hours.
