Help! A Newbie Who is Lost! - Al-Anon Family Group

newwoman · Member

Help! A Newbie Who is Lost!

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Newwoman,

You have come to the right place, at least for now... A lot of the posters here will be tucked up in bed right now... but it is still evening here. Your beau is getting the care and treatment he needs. But you too need lots of tender loving care...

take care my friend. aww

DavidG.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Newbie who is lost. Although I can't talk for others, I can talk for myself. There was a time when I was feeling like you are now. I saw that I needed help just as you see you need help. That was the beginning of a new way of life for me. The pressure is off you because he's not there for you to tend to now. You aren't losing your mind as much as you are experiencing your own need for care. This board plus Al Anon meetings in your area are a good beginning step to take as you do the work necessary to recover from the illness that has affected you as he does the work necessary to recover from the effects of the illness, too. When I started recovery, I thought everything was my fault and it was my job to fix it. When I saw I couldn't fix it, I was in turmoil. One of the things we learn in Al Anon is that "We didn't cause it. We can't control it. We can't cure it." Those 3 cs are just as true for us as they are for us in relationship to our loved ones with the disease of alcoholism. The 12 steps offer us a way of healing that moves us away from blaming and shaming, fixing and controlling, rescuing and managing (which don't work) into a way of thinking, feeling and behaving that do work one day at a time. It takes courage to admit we need help and you did. You're in the right place. Keep coming back.

AlAnonDave · Veteran Member

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Now is a good time to get to some Alanon meetings and learn to start taking care of you. I know it's scary, I know it's new but in time, you'll find out that its just what you needed all along. Peace to you.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Welcome newwoman! I like the sound of that - "newwoman." Maybe you'll find some comfort in reading the posts here and want to give an in person Alanon meeting a try. While your love is in rehab, you can take the time to get to know yourself more if you choose to. Keep coming back to recover with us! You're not alone and you're worth it! Hugs. TT

Annie1234 · Senior Member

Yes, Newwoman, that name sounds promising. It sounds like you are recognizing the opportunity for a new life for you. Definitely stick around here. Read posts, ask for support, and definitely go to a face to face meeting. They mean so much. Best wishes!!!

tortuga · Senior Member

(((Newwoman))) big HUG goes to you from this side of the world. It is nice you found this board with great people with a lot of strength and hope to share.

I am not lying and exaggerating when I tell you that I felt EXACTLY the same like you 6 months ago. My love had left for detox, and I was alone on my side, in my world, with the little (or nothing) I knew about the disease of alcoholism. People here welcomed me so warmly that this alone was a reason for me to come back to this board daily, because I had been feeling so lonely, hurt, desperate, confused, guilty..... I say today they saved me from going completely insane, and they still do today. Because I can simply share my experience with people who know, ...they know and understand or explain or relate the effects of alcohol on the loved one, they trust as much as to share their own experiences with courage, and they leave me the freedom to take what I need and leave the rest for my own self care. I have learned so much since that first day, about my love, about myself mostly.
So please, even if you feel intimidated or disorientated at the moment due to these new events in your life, take the time to read, to come back, to share, to ask, to learn, because you will feel less lonely day by day..i can promise you that.
My first thought when I joined Al Anon for the first time was: 'How can I help HIM to get better?' I was worried for him, about him....what I didn't see and didn't know: I had already stopped taking care of MYSELF. That was a dangerous place for me to be in...because what I also didn't know at the time, and what happened 4 months later, was.... i was spent, trying to manage to take care of me AND him at the same time.it didn't work for me, because he didn't get rid of his disease as one gets rid of a cold.... and I didn't get rid of him and his uncontrolled emotions as one gets rid of a broken mobile phone. Simply because our feelings got entangled, emotions got built up, extremely, ...I was working a program like Al Anon, and he didn't...he actually still follows his addiction in one way or the other. While I was learning new ways of living, he was learning new ways to get around me. The disease is a clever one, it fooled me many times already...
anyway, just to let you know... I am still learning, it is hard sometimes, cheerful some other times. Today when I come to Al Anon, my first thought is: 'How can I act or think or stay healthy about this or that. It is about ME and my health today. It is also the best I can do for my loved one. It is finally his choice if he wants to follow into healthy ways or not.

yes the 3 C's?...for me, wow , what a relieve in my first month here.and again and again.
12 steps.?.. for me a good path to follow when I don't know what to do next.

Take good care of yourself, you deserve it.
keep coming back

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome! Hey really a part of you has died! But the new you will be so much better and happier. Al Anon is perfect to help you. MIP saved many of our lives, including mine. I have been here many years, all the quotes, tools and mostly the people helped me grow into a woman I like and love a lot!

It is horrible at first. I remember the gut pain, though it would never go away! It will I promise. Remember your A is still with you. Basically he is in the hospital learning how to get himself well and stay well. He is still going to need you but in a different way.

First we learn how to take care of ourselves, so instead of doing his job that he will learn to do for himself, you are going to learn to focus on YOUR needs. What a concept yes?

I invite you to wake up and tell yourself positive thoughts. simple ones like, he is ok, getting better. I am going to take care of my needs. So you can even get a notebook, write down what you need to do for you.

First the basics, what can you eat? I could only eat the weirdest things. Canned enchiladas...I got the roasted chickens already cooked, good granola bars, pop cicles, fudge cicles. Progresso soup. The cheese and ranch rice cakes are great. fresh fruit and vegis. What ever you eat make it as nutritional as possible, and eat to calm you too, but make it non fat or fat free. ''

Have water always by your side. I saw my house was a disaster! never saw it till then. so i would pick a room and clean it top to bottom, wear yourself out. I took lots of naps.

Getting Them Sober, toby rice drew volume one, can get it cheap on Amazon, is a GREAT book. we have courage to change and one day at a time here on the book site or look on amazon. come here every day all day if you need to. We all love it when you do as you are part of our family now! We know the pain and we know the steps out of it. These people really care, once you have gone thru it, you don't want anyone else to go thru it alone.

So please keep coming back. vent, share, ask questions,tell us about you, your garden, your job,kids whatever. You have found a home!

Love,debilyn in Oregon

newwoman · Member

Thank you! Thank you! to everyone who has so kindly reached out to me. I cry as I read each posting knowing a stranger has taken time to help me. These acts mean more to me than I could ever describe. I am very grateful to each and everyone of you. Thank you!

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Newwoman,
I have been in, and still get into, a similar state as well. The difference for me now is that after a short panic attack I realise that actually I'm free to do all those things that I used to set on a back burner. Once I get stuck in and start 'doing' I love the peace of being able to get on with stuff without any fear of interruption! Most days I do something nice, just for me (a long bath, chatting with a friend, a nice walk, baking a cake, painting my nails, curling up with a book for instance) - and then I try to deal with something that I've either neglected or that is in preparation for my future (paying an outstanding bill, returning a phone call, clearing out the wardrobe) and then I pat myself on the back! If I can I'll do something for someone else (sending a friend a link to an article that I think they might enjoy, taking a spare loaf of bread to an aged neighbour, giving the dog a treat (yes, he counts as well!)) and when I go to bed at night I ask myself what were the three best things of the day. I figure that it is up to me to fill that void that used to be filled with concerns for AH and, in honesty, it is fabulous learning to fill the gap with pretty and lovely things! I think that you will be surprised at what you can, and want, to do. Go for it and take great care of the lovely new you

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.