The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm a newbie, and this is the first day of the rest of my life. The last two days I'd been fighting a flu bug, and last night was a night of chills, sweats, pain, agony...and then an epiphany. I realized that's been the way I've felt for most of the 1 1/2 years I've been with my ABF. In the dark early morning hours I woke up to see ABF with a new 12-pack to replace the one he'd already consumed, on the computer checking out porn sites. I quietly put a blanket and pillow on the sofa, went back to bed and cried. When I woke up, I felt even worse, but I showered and left the house to take care of business. I then went to an Alcohol and Substance Abuse Rehab and inquired about available programs. There's a F2F Al-Anon meeting only once a week in my area. So now I've found this site and feel very relieved.
I guess my question is this: Does anybody have a success story to share? Is there any hope for my relationship? I've read many postings and it just seems like there's only this day...which is true, but what I mean to say is that I want to believe that there will be a resolution. I know that's dependent on whether ABF truly wants to commit to recovery, but it's scary out here. My love for my ABF has kept me with him, but I wonder if that's enough for the rest of our lives.
Welcome to MIP! Yes we have alot of experience, strength, and hope. The Alanon program does not save relationships but helps us recover from the disease of alcoholism and its effects on us. The program tells us to keep the focus on ourselves. My marriage did not survive the sobriety (without his recovery). But the good news is that I survived. They tell us to go to meetings, read the literature, talk to Alanon members, and learn as much as you can about alcoholism.
Thank you for your message of hope:) I appreciate it. So many of the experiences I've read on here resonate deeply, because of the sense of loss people share... the loss of loved ones with so much promise. I've resolved to try to help my ABF recover his self esteem and potential for a beautiful life. Hopefully I'll recover my own identity since it seems that I've been a codependent with him. I will definitely keep coming back.
One of the best pieces of advice I received was from a recovering alcoholic. He said, "Your husband needs to take care of his recovery. You need to take care of your recovery". I really didn't understand what he meant by it initially, because I am such a care-giver, and I felt it was my responsibility to help my husband recover. It isn't my responsibility. He is in control of whether or not he drinks again. There is nothing I can do or say to help him. It has to be his choice. My suggestion to you is that you make that F2F your priority every week. Focus on you. You deserve to find peace for yourself.
Hi Raven, This may not be the success story you're looking for - and it may make sense only after several Al-Anon meetings if you chose them... but I am blessed with a success story for me. I began Al-Anon meetings because of someone else's drinking. Years later, my brother died of alcoholism. How hard that was, yet I was able to love him all the way through his illness. I treasure our talks from his final days. I am at peace. To me, Al-Anon provided me with the tools and the way to meet him where he was. Your success story will be different. In attending face-to-face meetings you will come to find yourself. I encourage you to give it a try. In support, Jill
I always tell myself..."As long as I have breath, there is hope." Only at death, is there no hope. I don't know if I am a "success" story but I am happy. I am still learning. Briefly... my AH and I have been married 35 years. The last almost 3 years, he has been sober. He has been through 5 rehabs and continues with many AA meetings weekly. I attend Alanon 1 x weekly (it's all my small home town has) and come here. I did separate from my husband for 5 monthly before his last rehab. It was a very dark period of my life. I started attending Alanon shortly after this. Through this program... I have learned to be happy whether my AH is drinking or not. I will not try to control or manipulate in his recovery... It is his. It has taken time. We had to work on trust and respect for each other and just plain being kinder. But, I will say that since we began our recovery, our marriage has improved 150%! We are probably closer now, than we ever have been. We're not perfect.... but I like to think, we are somewhat normal. So, you see.... it works if you work it!!
I like to think of it this way... everyone here is either a success story or a success story in the process of being written. I LOVE Sweet Stanley's reply. I don't think I would term myself as a success story but I found here and due to the help and support I have received and things I have learned I am happier. I am still with my wife. She has not gone to rehab or even mentioned it. Not sure she is as far gone as most, but this is a progressive disease. I have told her my concern for her drinking patterns ONCE and have not mentioned her drinking since. Seems like her drinking has become less (not gone) or maybe I'm just not noticing it as much. Either way, her drinking controls ME less than it did before. I have more control over myself and how I act. I still take things one day at a time. While I see a future together for me and my wife, I have my boundaries and she knows them. I do not worry about what if she does this, etc, etc. Sometimes it is harder than others but I keep coming here and working on me. There may become a day when my wife and I are no longer together because of alcohol, but I am a success story being written, just no final chapter yet.
Thank you, everybody for your kind replies. Last night I talked to ABF and told him that I felt that we needed to go to counseling. I said that since he'd admitted that he had a problem before and said he wanted to stop drinking, that I wanted to help him. I said that his drinking isn't only hurting him, but that it's hurting me and my son (19 y.o.), because we worry about him. I said that if he continues getting drunk every day and doesn't want to stop, that it may be better for us to part ways. He said nothing, and drank a 12 pack. Tonight I got home from work, another 12 in the fridge. Some days I love him so much, other days I can't even remember why. So I guess my question is, how long should I wait to see if he will work with me on this? Or what would the next step be? I'm not going to mention it again, because I know nagging won't help. He just started working , part time at the corner liquor store. Oh the irony...and I know he can't afford rent . Sorry so glum, just had to vent...
Oh, Raven Juniper.... I have been where you are now. There is no "time" to say enough is enough. If the "time" comes, you will know. Only you know how much you are willing to take, put up with, miss out on, sacrifice. Keep attending Alanon and coming on line. Both will help you tremendously and eventually your decisions will come. There are no easy answers and everyone is special, we all have different goals, wants, lifestyles. Keep working this program, it works if you work it.
So, you see.... it works if you work it!!