The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Really. My therapist and I had a great conversation about this topic tonight and it's okay to be angry. I have been through so much and continue to go through so much and being angry is part of the process and it's OK. I have been so angry for weeks on end in awful and heavy flows and started to worry that it was not only very unlike me, but consuming my very being.
Well, it isn't. Yes, it's there and yes (like others here said) I just need to feel it, work through it and let it go. I have an exAH who no longer has visitation and my anger is shifting from the bad behavior to dealing with what he is not doing. I am dealing with an angry child that will barely share with her therapist and truly only feels comfortable enough with me to share her feelings. I have all the responsibility I had before while the exAH can be party boy with no responsibility (much like during our marriage) and its OK to be mad about all that.
I actually feel better. Maybe it's just sharing it with others and getting validation. That anger is a valid feeling and I'm not acting on it and it's normal to have these feelings when dealing with all of this chaos and trauma.
My next step? Treadmilling my anger out! It's time to take it from a suffocated feeling and turn it out into some healthy adrenaline instead. Time to go from a brisk walk to an everyday jog and burn it out!
Thank you ALL for your kind words and encouragement. Very much appreciated!
I had a meeting with my therapist today as well. And she told me the same thing!! I was feeling very lonely and sad, and secretly, I was furious. I have to pass within a half of a mile of his house on my way to work and home. Each time I pass that road, I have a very strong urge to turn towards the house, stop on the road and throw rocks at all the windows till there is not a shred of glass left standing. Of course I don't do it and instead blast my radio before I get there and just rock out instead. My therapist told me to feel the anger, that its ok, that I am ok to grieve the loss of my dreams, the loss of what could have been. I thought I missed my husband but today with her help I realized that I miss my dreams, what could have been there and what I thought someday could be, because the reality is, none of what I am mourning was a part of my real marriage. Its amazing how I have built up in my heart a way to believe in what was not real. Ugh, how foolish we can sometimes be when trying to protect ourselves. So, today with her help, I admitted for the first time how angry I was and how hard it really can be. I also reminded myself of how I am building up myself again and that I can do this, be ok with out the problems that I had lived with. I am grieving but yet finding my ability to dream again. I have dreams and am reading to start living them. Anger is a part of getting over this.
Absolutely it's ok to feel anger it's an emotion like any other. My thing is this the bottom line of this journey I want to let it all go .. it's not healthy and I need to have peace and serenity. I did not get here over night and have spent years stuffing how I felt. Very honestly anger was the only emotion for me that I could identify for a LONG time. I mean we are talking about since I was a child kind of thing. So anger was easier to go to than feeling anything else because I had no identification with what else I was feeling.
There was no way this time last year if someone said ohhhh forgive you don't need to be angry that I didn't visualize them on a cliff with a virtual sign that said "poke me" (like from facebook) that I would have with a smile "poked" them off said cliff. The mistake in anger is to ignore it and pretend it's not there, AND THEN hold on to it. Anger doesn't have to be the cheif single emotion I go to.
I have a right to feel angry over the fact that my STBAX's whore friend went to MY atty. I don't care what she knew and didn't know it doesn't matter to me .. it matters that she cost me 4k. That is money that would have paid for my daughter's ortho, trip to DC and so on. I have a right to feel anger over how my STBAX chose to handle the situation of leaving in the first place. I have a right to feel angry that he's made a decision not to pay even though there is a court order that says he is suppose to. All of these things are justified anger. Ohhhh I can go there in a heart beat and have MANY dark fantacies about ways they can each be humiliated as I step on them and move on to a better life (I know attractive picture .. LOL .. I'm just letting it all hang out I have court in 2 days .. LOL).
The best part is .. I don't have to live there all of the time. It comes and it goes. I can pay attention to MY needs when I feel angry. Am I HHALT? (Hormonal, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) Am I not giving myself the attention I deserve? Have I taken care of all of MY responsibilities for the day. That Just for Today bookmark is a God send. If I spend my day doing that I find that I am less likely to turn to anger when I have to deal with these situations. I also can choose to focus on gratitude .. my attitude of gratitude. There are other emotions out there and I do not need to live in the anger.
It doesn't mean I have "forgiven" and I will .. when I am ready not when someone else thinks I should be, .. it will come because this program and the steps work and as I work the steps all of that will fall into place.
I can take what I like and leave the rest in any given meeting, post, therapists suggestion and so on. It is my right to live my life on life's terms. It is Ok to feel all of those negative things for a moment .. my only suggestion is just don't build a brick house to house the negative. It will pass when it is felt and it will revisit .. that is ok too. Anger I hear you and you're right this isn't fair .. let me feel you anger and then anger move through me. I choose to know I can feel you and still move to gratitude, relief and a sense of well being.
Hugs P :)
-- Edited by Pushka on Wednesday 16th of January 2013 07:54:32 AM
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
What fantastic posts from you both - there is a comfort and connectedness to know that there are others walking on this foggy old path, it kind of makes me feel it leads somewhere! I'll be enjoying your strength and company today, thank you.
Time heals all wound. Truly. When I look back at the end of my past relationships and how livid I was (or depressed) at the time... I know it's just not there now. In each case, my life just went on, I got new jobs, new boyfriends, new whatever. I got tired of hurting and I stopped. Naturally, it took longest after the longest relationship.
I do think that much of the time, anger is a sign of progress cuz it beats depression. You at least have to acknowledge you deserve better to be angry, when during the actually relationship, we were all so tired and sad and thinking it wall all our faults. So I guess it goes from depressed, to angry, to indignant, to who cares?, to maybe even wishing them the best....who knows? Sort of a model for how breakups/divorce has gone for me.
Great posts, so relevant to me. I have had a little bit of contact with my a lately and the anger has came flooding back. I hate how carefree he seems, almost child like. Good to know I'm not alone. Thanks.
What a great share!! I'm pretty sure that most everybody starts here angry, frustrated, helpless, and sick and tired of being sick and tired. Working through every one of those issues, is part of getting better, and hopefully healthy again.
