The material presented
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I am so nervous. I have not seen my husband in almost 3 months. He is graduating from a rehab this week. I kicked him out before he decided to go in. I really thought I was done dealing with him. I am still hurt by the things he has done to our family but I am having unexpected emotions. I know that my resentment is not good for his recovery. I am so afraid I am not going to k be helpful or supportive enough. He is not moving back in with me and the kids. I just don't know how to handle this. It has been so long since I have dealt with him sober. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hi, Mine just entered rehab- has only been in a week. I too had had it with him prior to leaving for rehab and now a week in of course all I can recall are the good times and miss him terribly. I wish I had advice for you- I was hoping you would share how you have dealt with rehab. I am just so lost and angry and sad etc. Thank you
Please check out alanon face to face meetings in your community AND ATTEND. Alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. Having lived with this disease we too need a program of recovery-- Alanon is that program
Please keep coming here and sharing It is important to connect and break the isolation
I know that my resentment is not good for his recovery. I am so afraid I am not going to k be helpful or supportive enough ------------------------------------------- We al-anons are such nice people. Yes, your resentment is not good for his recovery, but what about YOU? And don't worry about being helpful and supportive. Whatever you do will be wonderful. Will it be appreciated? Who knows. But now is a good time to remember to take care of yourself. He has his AA support group to take care of him if that is what he chooses. You need a support group too. And that is where AlAnon meetings come to be really, really important.
Take care of yourself. Your feelings are real. And tomorrow you may have other feelings and they will be real too. And the next day you may have even different feelings and they will be real too. Through it all....... take care of yourself.... and be gentle with yourself. You need it and you deserve it.
I agree with maryjane. Try not to focus on the outcome of him staying sober. That's his job in HIS recovery. What you do is not the determinant of whether he will be sober or not. That is based on what HE does and also just what his HP wants for him at this time. He could come at you saying you didn't talk to him enough or you tried to talk to him too much, you were too mean, or you were too nice so he thought you didn't care if he drank...You know how excuses for addiction work. He is either going to do it or not and if he does relapse, it will be because of his disease and not you. Short of opening up a can of booze and pouring it down his throat when he's sleeping - nothing you do will cause him to relapse OR stay sober.
Be true to yourself. Pray. Try to meet your own needs as best as possible because he still wont be very high functioning even after 3 months in rehab. At best, he's going to seem like a shell shocked zombie probably. At some moments he will probably be spouting how he has all the answers and now definitively KNOWS the problems and will then proceed to oh so wisely tell you what all the problems are and if you don't listen then you are either dumb or not supportive. Basically, it depends on the relationship you guys have. I don't know exactly what kind of person either of you are, but these are pretty common post-rehab behaviors. You have a multitude of choices for how to best be "supportive" while being true to yourself.
Being supportive could include doing almost nothing because his recovery is going to take MUCH of his own effort and time and just getting out of the way of that is helpful. Recovery really does involve God's grace. Whether he keeps recovering and whether you two reconnect in a healthy and loving way is up to your HP basically. Don't worry.
I guarantee that a year from now, no matter what (good or bad) you will be like "Wow. That didn't happen how I expected." Hence, worrying about it now it pointless. Enjoy each day and try hard to find your own positives and as much joy apart from him. Your whole life doesn't hinge upon his recovery.
My husband invited me to an AA meeting before I came here and went to an Al-Anon meeting. One AA leader gave me some good advice. He said, "Your husband needs to take care of his recovery. You need to take care of your own". I didn't understand it at first. Now, I do. I think we spend so much time being care-givers and worrying about "them" that we lose ourselves.
I hear you Annie... By the time I started attending Alanon, I had pretty much stopped functioning as a person. My whole world was wrapped around my alcoholic. I could hardly carry on a conversation because I had so much chaos going on in my head, I couldn't follow what other people were saying. In my hometown, we have open AA/Alanon meetings one time a month. I have learned SO much from those meetings because of the insight I have received from the "other side". They do offer good insight and they are brutally honest.
As far as you AH getting out of rehab... continue to work on you. Let him work on himself. You can't help him. He recovery is his own to work on. One day at a time.....
Thank you for all of your responses. I think I am so confused now because I really felt so much betted after he moved out, which was about a month before he decided to go to rehab. I still worried about him and still would do things for him but rarely. I felt like the harder I could make his life the more chance he would see the light. When he decided to go to rehab I refused to be a contact. I refused to sign any papers for.payment. I really completely. distanced myself from him. We probably only talked 2-3 times in the first two months he was gone. I was feeling so God. So much less responsible for.his well being. Something has changed in the last two weeks. I am starting to remember the man I married. Its the first time in years that he is maintenance sense. I just remember the love now. I have been clear with him that I still don't know.what I want and he agrees. It makes sense that I should really just let him work on him. The hard part is going to start when he gets out. I really just hope that he can get better and stay better.
I do understand and support your choices Please remember that having lived with this disease we too need a program of recovery-- Alanon is that program
Please check out the face to face meetings in your community and attend.
Get the book Getting them Sober. It is really essential to have really good expectations of a newly recovered alcoholic. A lot of them come out on a pink cloud. I do know that having realistic expectations has really cut back on my resentments.
I would also encourage you to look for support and post here. There are bound to be a huge adjustment issues for you. You deserve all the support you can get.
