The material presented
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Thanks for writing. I never thought I would seriously be thinkinga bout leaving him. I always thought he'd sort himself out. I feel like I'm just treading water. He is full of 'xxxx'; at the beginning it was like an awakening; but over the year, he went to AA less and less; and has these sport habits that are more important.
rugby, football ... they are all old drinking haunts too ...
It is a secret too ... nobody knows. People know that party man has given up the booze; and he has said ... it's his choice; but nobody knows he's going to AA or that its serious. So nobody knows .. Im alone esentially. I have a bestfriend who knows. My sister is in america and on a diff time scale .. I'm in the UK. I'm not sure whether I should cut my losses; get the kids in a free school; get a house of my own and just leave him?
Or to try to soldier through. I feel like I've been soldiering through our entire marrige with his drama after drama. I'm tired. Thanks for responding.
Your life sounds free. Are you in England or America? I'm glad you are relieved and free of the worry, the worry, the worry.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 14th of January 2013 07:53:38 PM
Hi: I'm new, from england and have never written in one of these forums. My husband is the Alcoholic. We were married 10 years ago. I kind of knew he was a heavy drinker but never realised that over those 10 years, he'd become abusive and start to get so drunk, he would pee his pants. He used to drink socially; heavily; then at home; then alone and then apparently, in the car because I wasn't impressed with his immediately can opening before taking his coat off.
So, we have 2 girls aged 3 and 5. He never drank at work; only at night; very functional. Has his own business. He did get a DUI and crashed his car into a tree very very drunk 5 years ago. Alarm bells rang. He quit for 6 months from the shock but explained he was fine. and so it began.
After the 2 girls; he told me 1 1/2 years ago in Aug 2010 that he was secretly boozing; wanted to give up; go to AA and that he wanted to put the girls in a private school; work hard and let life be good. I was relieved and things were good for 10 months, when he drank a bottle of wine in 15 minutes while I was in the shower one night; and casually told me before going to bed. I cried and cried. He seemed to not care; like he had the right to it? He just said casually, "I screwed up".
Since that first time he has done it 2 times again. Both times, while I was out. I went away on a 3 day retreat and he got drunk while looking after the girls; they were in bed and he was downstairs, but he drank himself drunk.
The last time was this Saturday night just gone. We went to a 65th aunt's birthday party. I said, are you ok to go; he said, yes but I want to go when i want to go. I said fine, but we have to at least stay for a few hours; its a big party. He said fine. 11 pm we agreed. We got there; he drank cola; looked miserable as usual. He is always miserable socially now. At 10:15 pm he said, he wanted to go. I said, ok, he sneak out; I'll wait until 11 and then make my exucses. We had only been there 1 1/2 hours; just got there. I was having fun also. I said, wait in the car; he refused and said he'd drive home and I could stay at a friends house. I said "fine" ...
He came home; let the babysitter go and then proceeded to drink 2 litres of beer and a bottle of wine. He stunk the next day. I asked; he lied; I laughed and he knew he was rumbled.
I feel like he set me up. He said he wanted to go early so that I had to stay. it would have been embarrassing to leave just after we arrived. I was having a great time. It was my mum's best friend and my mum just died? I wanted to stay. He knew that. He set me up. Why couldn't he wait in the car for me? Is that so unreasonable? I would have left at 11. He knows that. I have in the past.
I do drink. I'm a normal drinker; 2 glasses of wine. I love people and socialising. He used to too; but now I see, it was just the booze he liked, perhaps the not the people.
My question is: I have other evenings out; when I'm stsaying away from home. I CANNOT TRUST HIM WITH MY BABIES? He cannot be left with them. The next one is Thursday, in 2 days. I have his old mother coming over which is a hassle; so that he is not alone. I've told him this; he said, "no way". I said, I wouldn't go for the night then. So he has agreed.
Am I supposed to do that? Go about my business and just get people to be in to keep the kids safe? Or cancel my trips?
I have stayed in for 1 1/2 years; I want to go on my girls trips and have fun. I feel like he is punishing me for his staying sober?
What do I do?
Set boundaries? He doesn't seem to respect me? I've thought many times about leaving him. Should I use that as a consequence? Should I still do my things? Should I stay home?
I do love him; I know he's new to AA. I am willing to help him. I just don't know wheterh i'm suposed to give up my life in doing so? I realise that I need to go to Alanon and I'm going in 2 days. In the meantime, I'd like to hear anyone's advice. I hope Alanon isn't sitting there talking; and nobody answering your questions. If it is, that'll be frustrating. Please tell me there is discussion and not just avoiding people's eyes and moving on to the next thing without discussion?
This is hard because early on as we seek to understand this disease, who's business is who's is very blurred and co-mingled. We desire a person who functions normally, then are left confused when it doesn't happen. Over and over.
Al Anon is in England so I highly recommend meetings. In regards to the children.
I cannot give you advice it is not my place. I can offer thoughts and insight and you may find something I say useful? Children do not get to chose their parents. Children need to be kept safe. We parents are responsible for this whatever means we arrive at it. We do not have control over alcoholism, we did not cause it and we cannot cure it. In a nutshell, nothing you do will change what your husband does or does not do. You only have yourself to "control".
My own experience is a little different. I left because my ex was a dry drunk and abusive. I fought 6 years to take away his ability to abuse his children and lost repeatedly in the court system to a system that values "research" over the well being of my children (it's called "access to both parents" and trumps verbal and emotional abuse, in fact physical too if it's not extreme). So I gave up the fight after 4 years and did what I could to minimize the damage being done. One child is so severely affected he may end up institutionalized, a relative is keeping him out of the home and away from his siblings and has protected him from access to his father while trying to rehab him. Recently this relative (which is my ex's relative) stepped forward to say she would stand with me in court against him and to not send the boys there anymore.
As of 3 weeks ago I am soul parent. Just me, not married. While on the surface I enjoyed my weekends off the truth is I didn't. I spent the entire time wondering what was going on, what stories would emerge, if I'd get desperate calls to "save them", etc. It was hair pulling internally. Once I found myself finally with full custody I stepped up immediately to find a sitter who will do overnight stays. For the first time in 6 years I had a 24 hour "kid free" period two weeks ago to "try" this sitter and it was awesome. I knew my kids were safe and happy and well cared for and they are begging for this guy to come back (he works for my son's daycare provider so he's background checked).
What I'm trying to say is this. However it happens, your kids need to be safe and that comes before HOW they are safe or any hope that things go a way you'd like them to go. Work on your recovery as the spouse of an alcoholic and he has to decide on his own if he wants to get into recovery. It's very hard to learn that his recovery or lack of recovery is none of our business. Because when it is in our home it feels like its our business as it affects us. These things can only be learned and understood through Al Anon meetings and readings and I hope you will stay, you deserve it.
Hello, Most of us here know what you are going through and the face to face alanon meetings are the same. You will meet like minded people and you will wonder why they look so happy and calm, well I did. I think you have already taken an important step for you and your children as you have reached out and you are going to get help. For me I waited until I was 40, better late than never though. Through Alanon I have been given a different way to deal with my life and it was the best thing I ever did for me and my family. Good luck, please let us know how you got on.
I'm in Scotland so we are in the same time zone. Im sorry you feel so isolated.I remember that feeling. I worked hard to keep people from knowing. I'm quite new to alanon, 9 months but it's made such a difference in a short space of time. It is a spiritual program that helps you see things differently. It helps you focus on you and your life, it helps you cope and enjoy life regardless of the actions or words of others. Anyway, go with an open mind, give it a bit of time and see how you feel.x
If you elect to go to alanon face to face meetings in your community you will find a support system who understand as few others can We believe that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless and that by changing our attitudes and focusing on ourselves our lives can improve 100%
Our Opening Welcome states:"We urge you to try our program it has helped many find contentment, even happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
Some stay, some leave,it is an individual choice. We all learn new constructive tools to live by
Keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 15th of January 2013 02:47:27 PM
Thanks for the responses; I'm wondering, did all you people leave your A Partner's? Is that why you're so happy? Is that what I'll find at Alanon? A way to leave them and live happily? Or a way to live with them and happily? Is there a way to live with an Alc and be happy? Did you stay or go? How long did it take you to go?
UPDATE: I have organised for him to pick up his mum. He has to drive an hour one way to get her and an hour back. So she can stay for 12 hours overnight. She has no idea why. But he won't be able to drink with her in the house.
He said no to the idea at first. I told him, that my Bfriend would not be getting the company of myself in London if he didn't agree. I told him, taht I'd told Louise why. He respects louise and to some extent, i think he doesn't want to ruin my evening. His 3 relapses have been 6 weeks apart. So, he isn't due another one for a while.
Hi photomum, I left my alcoholic but most women in my group are still together and most of there husband's are in aa. To me they began focusing on themselves and some a's are inspired to get help for themselves. It's such a personal decision and no one can tell you what's best for you and your family. My ex has been in and out of aa for about 1yr, I want to see him get better for my kids but I don't feel I could ever go back. Life with an a is too hard for me.
Some of us have left. some have learned to live with them but that decision is very personal. I can't say leaving meant all was well, he continued to abuse my kids and me for another 6 years after by various means. I had to build intense boundaries and witness terrible treatment of my children with no ability to protect them (courts and CPS failed me). Only just in the last month did a ray of light come as a relative of my ex stepped forward to say she would stand in court against him if he did not turn the kids over to me.
I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm finding my strength and in that I am happy now. But I learned to be happy even when he was dragging me to court, abusing my kids and threatening my employment. I can't explain how but I learned and with that I tried to teach my children the same things. Some of it has taken hold, some has not but I still try.
Attend meetings, read, learn. Make decisions when you are ready and not reactionary. "Getting them Sober" is a great book to start with. Hugs.
