The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been coming to these boards for over a year now. I have been in Al Anon for almost a year, too. I am currently working with my sponsor on step 4. I am finally learning that it's OK to take care of myself.
One of my issues with my AH is that he drives a rental car frequently for work in neighboring states and has admitted to driving after drinking. I have consulted with lawyers in both states and found that we could be in some serious financial trouble if he were to even get into a fender bender or get pulled over for an illegal U turn. Not just with the law, but also with the rental car company. His actions are reckless in my eyes and I see that his attitude is not changing even after our 4 months of marriage counseling.
In our last session he told me and the therapist that the world is chaos and that people don't follow the rules anymore and that he hates it and that it makes him angry. I confronted him with his own illegal actions and pointed out what he does and how it would outrage many people if they found out he had a DUI on his record, that he should be driving with an interlock device, and that he thinks it's OK to still drink and then drive. His retort to me was that he doesn't care anymore. That he wants to join the masses in their irresponsibility and chaos. What I got from this is that he isn't ready to change and that he will continue to put our family at risk. So, I am thinking of consulting a lawyer for a legal separation, mostly to protect myself financially in case he hits another bottom.
I am also meeting with a friend for lunch whose husband is well connected in business to see if she can help me brainstorm for possible career paths and if her husband can find me some leads. I think the more self sufficient I become, the better off I will be. For now, I am just treading water. Staying in contact with my sponsor and my HP, working my steps, writing in my journals, etc. I am working on trust, acceptance, and letting go of fear. Thanks for letting me share and if anyone has experience with separations, please advise how I can prepare myself emotionally and financially. Thanks!
when i left all my years of planning went out the window. i left everything, i took my clothes, photos and my sons things and went. it took me a while to let go of my home and move on but i now have my own stuff and im getting better. i wouldnt recommend it but all my planning and 'getting ready' was making me tolerate intolerable behaviour so i just walked out. financially im still dealing with our debt and i never really fought for a fair split which did bother me for a while but overall i have so much more in my life. tske what you like and leave the rest.x
I think you are very wise to protect yourself financially. When I went in to my lawyer he said, "You have taken all the right precautions, I wish all my clients had thought ahead as well as you." My ex-AH ended up declaring bankruptcy twice, as well as spending thousands dealing with his DUI. I'm very happy that none of this was my money or our son's. That's not to say that we didn't also suffer from the fact that the ex-AH is only semi-employable and we've received very little financial contribution from him over the years. But at least we haven't lost everything, as would have happened if my finances had been tied to his.
I think you'll have to consult a lawyer about a legal separation because the laws are different in each state. A good lawyer will be very familiar with this situation and though it will incur some expense up front, you'll undoubtedly save thousands over the years. Be sure to specify that your A might be the subject of a lawsuit for injuries as well as DUI penalties, so you can be fully protected. Hugs.
Thanks Mattie. Yes, I wasn't looking for state specific information, I was just looking for ESH from those that have taken this step before for this reason. I don't intend to kick AH out yet or anything like that. I see this as a protective maneuver so that our assets can at least be free from a lawsuit or DUI penalties, etc. Since AH has made it clear that he doesn't intend to follow the law, then I feel I have no choice but to find my own solutions.
It might be possible to get a legal separation when you go on living in the same house. Again though there are so many ins and outs that a lawyer would be the one who knows how to make sure you're protected. The idea that I might be legally liable for my ex-AH's mistakes (and debts) did scare me half to death. It sounds as if you have a lot of awareness.
