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hi everyone, i have AS who has no desire to stop drinking. (signed out of 2 rehabs, refused aa) he lost his wife, his kids and his job. i love him and i know he has to do it on his own. however for the past year my parents have been horrible enablers. they pay his mortgage, utilities,bills. give him booze money.... they watch his 3 year old everyday so he can sleep until about 1p.m. they have 7 other grandchildren that they frankly don't have any energy left for. there is quite a riff in my family. my sisters are just resentful as to how he is bleeding our parents. the grandchildren are hurt and resentful because they know where they are on the totem pole. anyhow, my sisters and i were talking of having an intervention with our parents. (they are old school. have offered alanon literature which they refuse.) we have all talked with them about how they are keeping him sick and need him to have consequences for his behavior but to deaf ears.
has anyone ever heard of intervention for enablers? we have a great rehab in the area with alot of family teaching/counselling available. i am fairly certain they would not be open to this. any thoughts would be greatly appreciated! thanks, debbie
These are my thoughts. Our first instinct is that we want to change the alcoholic. Of course we do, that's natural -- but the problem is that we can't. So in our own recovery we have to accept the truth that we can change no one but ourselves.
I'm afraid that truth also applies to enablers. As we can with the alcoholic, we can say (once), "If you want to learn how to live life in a more effective way, there is help available." Then we have to step back. Sometimes someone who has been through the wringer has a word with them -- an alcoholic in recovery with alcoholics, an enabler in recovery for enablers. That may plant a seed. But then they too have to step back.
So our most important focus is ourselves. That means we have to accept that we can't change the behavior of the alcoholic, either directly or by trying to get others to stop enabling. And we can't change the behavior of enablers. Our own recovery means that we accept that we have to step back. And that the more we focus on ourselves, the better our lives will get, even if others never change.
That's what I've come to see over many long years of trying to stop drinkers drinking and enablers enabling. Sometimes it's still a daily struggle. But none of my efforts to change those people ever worked. Sadly! But educationally.
I would have to ask myself if the parents are perfectly fine with the entire situation. They just might be.
Until they start getting stressed out by it and fed up with it, they're not going to change because they're comfortable with things the way they are.
As Mattie said - it's just like the A. Until the A gets fed up with their situation, they're not going to change, either.
All I can do is look at myself. Is there anything I may be doing that's enabling THEM to enable the A that I'm not comfortable with. I'd have to take a look at that and if there is something, figure out a different behavior to put a halt to it on my end.
The only person I have control over is myself. And if I keep looking at what other people are doing and thinking "hey, that's wrong!" I'm just going to stress myself out and make my life miserable over someone else's problems.
Have you been getting to Al-Anon meetings? Do you have a sponsor? I'd recommend hitting meetings, reading up on CAL and talking with your sponsor when you see your parents behavior starting to set you on edge.
(((debhud))) the prior two post say it all and I have nothing to add. I will be keeping them within close reach of my own recovery and I pray you do the same...Hook your self up to your Higher Power and then do whats directed...the next right thing as posted here.
