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Hi everyone, I used to frequent these boards 2-3 years ago and honestly don't know where I'd be now without all your wonderful people. I'm back now because I want to share and am really hoping for some encouraging words of wisdom.
some background: Four years ago my ah's drinking problem became undeniable. Eventually, I lived every day carrying around the debilitating fear that he would die. He started taking oxy along with the booze, insane credit card debt, house remortgaging, twice, financial problems, emotional affairs, gambling, losing his job, so drunk every day he couldn't stand or talk or think, incessant lying, suicidal thoughts, psych ward and then downhill all over again. He began attending AA, even got a sponsor - but he would attend meetings drunk and wasn't working a program. I could not take it anymore. The fear and trauma I experienced every day eventually outweighed my fear of losing him. Also, practical reasons, I could no longer afford the house with all the debt and him losing his job. I kicked him out. Gave him the option: detox or street. With the help of his sponsor, he chose detox then on to rehab then a sober living home. We sold our house. I moved in with my parents. He stayed living at his sober living home. This was about 2 years ago.
When I stopped feeling sorry for myself and got over the shame of having to move back with my parents, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Finally, finally I could breath again. Ah was doing well, from what I could tell, but I really started focusing on myself. I went to some alanon meetings (but unfortunately my situation doesnt allow for me to go regularly and I eventually stopped), I was in therapy, I started becoming involved in things I enjoy, hung out with friends, took classes just because I was interested in learning about stuff, was doing great and progressing at work.
After ah first moved into the sober living house, we saw each other about 2-3 times a week. A date during the week, a coffee break, and he would usually spend a weekend night over with me at my parents house. This continued for about a year. With time, came distance, physical and emotional. We gradually began to see less and less of each other as we began focusing more and more on ourselves, we stopped working on the relationship part. We stopped counseling and didn't ever really talk about how we felt. I was scared to really try with him, so I distanced myself emotionally; I held back a huge part of myself. I was terrified that I would fall in love with him again, and what if he relapsed, could I go through that again? I didn't share these feelings with him. I did love him and was so proud of him, but I also felt myself slipping away from him and somewhat losing interest in the relationship. I would still invite him to family events sometimes, and we would continue to text every day and say I love you, talk about the news and joke around, but it eventually became a habit with no real meaning behind it.
Looking back, I don't think I allowed myself to feel anything in the last two years. I would experience an emotion: hurt, that he didn't make more of an effort on us, or sadness that we were losing our thing, that attraction, that bond we had - but I never allowed the emotions to take hold, I never dealt with them. I was so quick to push the feelings back down and distract myself or rationalize. I remember thinking: who am I do be upset with him for not putting in more of an effort - he is doing everything I ever wanted him to do: he got sober, he's focusing on himself, I should keep quite and be grateful for that. At the same time, I'm not sure I cared enough to share those feelings of mine. Who knows, it's very confusing.
In the last 6 months or so we've had no more sleepovers and went form seeing one another weekly to monthly, to once every two months. We still continued to text daily, always saying I love you, always sharing a bit about our day, but this always felt, I guess, not-real. I remember thinking that, despite how great he is, I don't really look forward to his texts, for the most part. I've been considering divorce since the summer - thinking it is the smart thing to do - thinking it's what I need, what I want. But, at the same time, I enjoyed him, and was scared, sad and terrified, so I procrastinated and didn't act on anything. I thought of all the good times, all the memories, all the pictures, all the family and friends and dreams we had. Then I forced myself to think of all the bad times - I re-read stuff I wrote back in the drinking days and was reminded of how horrible everything was - then I thought again that yes, I want a divorce. Want is a strong word - I was confused, but thought, maybe I should make a decision based on a logical analysis of the facts for once.
Present time: Come December, with the holidays approaching, it became clear I had to raise the possibility of divorce. I wrote him a long heartfelt email ( yep, this seems like the easy way out, I know ). He replied - we then proceeded to exchange emails back and forth about how we feel, how we felt 2 months ago, 6 months ago etc.. why we did what we did, the regrets we had. I thought to myself: wow, he seems so mature. He's so articulate and has the clarity of mind now to effectively communicate. I thought: how great could our relationship be if we were always this open and honest with each other? Why weren't we honest about how we were feeling 6 months ago? What if what if...
So, I went from thinking I want a divorce, that it seemed that the natural progression of our relationship - to second guessing myself because he seemed to have grown so much and was so honest. I was indescribably confused, and shared these feelings with him.
I then found out my AH has had a girlfriend for 8 months and that they live together. Good old facebook. My heart exploded.
Even though ah and I had been seeing less and less of each other, we were dating, kissing at the end of these dates, and texting every single day - calling each other pet names and saying I love you. He initiated 95% of these texts. I cannot wrap my brain around how he can lead two separate lives. I remember having a feeling that he had a girlfriend back in June but was so quick to push that down. I remember thinking that I would follow him one day but I then decided against this because it would be falling back into old unhealthy behaviors.
I've never experienced pain like this before, I feel so hurt and betrayed and am so overwhelmingly sad. Everything hurts. I cry all day, my mind constantly wonders to my ah and his new girlfriend and what they are doing - how he now has a whole new family complete with a kid and a dog. I have a daughter and we had a dog. I am an absolute mess and so devastated.
I told him I knew about the girlfriend, he didn't deny anything and answered all my questions. We talked and cried about it for hours the other night. He says he should have told me but didn't want to hurt me. He can't see us moving on from all hes done. He believes the damage he has caused it too extensive - all this stuff that makes sense, which I've thought of as well. A part of me feels he took the easy way out: the girlfriend is easy, she is not part of his past, he can go move in with her on the other end of the city away from everyone and every reminder of the past. She accepts him - her exh was a sex addict. I'm disturbed.
I'm heartbroken that my AH chose the path of least resistance instead of working hard and wanting me. He has been stuck on step 8 (I think - the making amends step - for almost two years now) Even though I don't want a future with him, or, at least I don't want to want a future with him and was prepared to make that tough decision because I thought it was the right one - I still think this, I'm still sad he doesn't want me. I guess we all want to be wanted and want to be loved.
I think because I haven't allowed myself to really feel any emotions for two years and effectively deal with them makes the fact that all these emotions are now coming up to the surface, and demanding to be felt, unbearable - the emotions I'm experiencing now are so intense and completely overwhelming.
I understand so much of what you have so openly shared, the part that stands out to me is it wasn't the relationship or even my STBAX that was the sticking point it boiled down to the rejection. The rejection that I wasn't good enough to fix the situation, the what if's, the would have, could have, should have's .. the guilt that some how I wasn't enough.
Now moving forward, .. personally I don't see his exit as an easy way out .. I see it as the cowards way out. Really? He's got a girlfriend for 8 months and instead of coming out with it .. he'll just let facebook do the dirty work for him. Mine was broadcasting via facebook that he was officially single and he was going on his "first date". Very honestly it was all I could do not to say .. ohhhhh .. so the women you slept with before the "first date" didn't count? LOL?
It was painful, shameful for me, I wondered what it was about me that was so unloveable and even though I didn't want him or the relationship anymore .. the rejection for me was the worst of it.
I would really encourage you to read the book Co Dependent No More .. it granted me a lot of insight as to why I do what I do and why I am so focused on the idea of being reject in terms of a new relationship .. I haven't had a relationship at this point for a LONG time .. in my mind I'm still married and it's safe for me to stay in that place, .. however it helped me feel residual feelings. I spent a lot of time crying with pen and paper in hand. It was such a release and it really propelled me in terms of my alanon healing.
Hugs and it soooo gets better, thanks for sharing.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Big Hugs to you Moving On, thank you for your honesty and sharing, I can completely relate to how you feel. It is, in my case, so difficult to give up the dream of the happy relationship I thought that I had with AH. I agree with Pushka, it is his weakness to start a new relationship without telling you. It might well be true that he can not face the damage that he has done to the two of you. It was much the same in my relationship and it was that lack of honesty (and backbone!) that broke my trust the most.
Like you I avoided my emotions for years. I kept busy, looked on the bright side, lived in the moment, tried to be strong, hung on to a vague optimism that it would all be ok in the end. Over the past year my emotions have started to return - rage, self pity etc etc but I celebrate that sense of feeling now. At least now I can cry, I think it is ok to cry, and I think it is ok to laugh and enjoy as well. And one thing I know, it will all be ok in the end because now I am only taking challenges that fulfil me and I don't need to push water uphill just to have a second rate relationship. I acknowledge that my future might not look quite as I had imagined it would but boy, I am going to steer myself around those potholes because now I am looking at where I am going.
You are not alone, it is ok to be angry for a day or two, and you have already proven that you know what to do to lift that 'weight from your shoulders' I think. You said at the beginning of your message 'I was in therapy, I started becoming involved in things I enjoy, hung out with friends, took classes just because I was interested in learning about stuff, was doing great and progressing at work' and that sounds just great. It sounded like it worked for you. It ain't easy, so be gentle with yourself, but you know you are soooo worth it. Sending another huge hug
Just want you to know that you're not alone in your pain. It sounds like you're being forced to mourn the loss of a marriage that could have been. I watched my mother go through this and I can say that, while it was very painful and took time, she came out on the other side a stronger, happier person. Hang in there. Hugs :)
