The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had been with my (now ex) AH for 23 years; since age 14 and physically separated for 6 months/divorced for 2. Over the years, he's been abusive, alcoholic, addicted to drugs...you name it - even attempting suicide and being arrested for domestic violence and taking anger management classes. I stayed. I'm working that out in therapy...and it took me the last two years of therapy to finally get the courage to leave. So he's been everything I thought he would be since he moved out and the divorce finalized - vindictive, mean, controlling, manipulative, abusive, addicted and just plain refuses to communicate with me at all. I can't even get started on visitation just know that if you've read other posts - it's been pulled for now.
That's what I expected. However, I find that I am feeling a angry and vindictive about it all. Like, I want to make him feel the pain he is constantly inflicting on me and my child. Lately, I just want to do anything to piss him off. I want to beat him up. I want to send evil letters to his workplace. I want to do other really just plain bad things. I want to do all those things you read about those psycho ex-wives doing and yet in reality I don't want to do any of it. This is not in my nature. I am generally passive, easy going, mellow. I don't get this way. I just want to move on. I want to be done with this nightmare. I want to live in peace from the madness.
I continue to struggle with this. I exercise, I'm taking an anti-depressent/anti-anxiety for the short term, I eat healthy, I make time for friends and family, I go to therapy. Yet I still find myself get stuck in these little mini-tornados of wanting to wreak pure havoc and hell at him. Then, as quickly as they swirl up - they simmer down, I remember what the reality is and I move on from it in my mind...
I printed out the AlAnon meetings near me and will go for some face to face time because this just can't go on. Have any of you found yourselves feeling the same way? What have you done to get your head to quiet down?
I feel like I'm always saying this to people but my story is so similar to yours. Over the summer I felt anger like never before in my life. Pure rage would well up. A few times I vented on him with a tirade of abuse, he even refused to answer my calls and told me I was abusive. Cheek. But I was. A good friend of mine couldn't believe the hate that I had for him because I'm not like that. Anyway, I read up on resentment and anger but to be honest I couldn't shake it. I feel better now but I have little to no contact with him. I think it may be to do with all the crap I've put up with and buried my true feelings through fear of making bad situations worse. It had to come out. Now I think it could be part of my recovery. In my experience you need to feel it, go with it, allow it and vent to friends or in a letter, somewhere safe. It eventually passes like steam being released from a kettle.
Yes I have felt that rage and irrational anger after my husband was sober for 6 years and died within a year of a cancer .caused by alcoholism. All the issues to a 23 year marriage that I thoughT I had Forgiven or Forgotten , surfaced full force and I was so mad that he had passed because I seriously wanted to kill him. I tried everything to let go of the rage and pain and nothing worked, counciling, meetings, talking about it working the steps and finally in desperation I reached for HP
T said "If you exist then lift this pain, I cannot do it and I need help" .
The next morning the pain was GONE never to return. I searched for it. Poked and probed my mind--. All the old painful memories were there but the rage and anger were gone. My sponsor told me I had finally worked a Step 6 and 7.
It is irrational and I thank you both. I think you're right...it will have to run it's course. I'm not crazy - just going through the process. Phew. That actually makes me feel better. I will roll with it and manage until it too passes...
I've felt huge rage as well and it was quite a shock to realise that I could think that way - I did not recognise myself at all!
But it seems to me to be fairly natural to want to kick back at something that has hurt so much and I take it as a sign of getting stronger in myself - of course I'm angry!
But for me it is what comes next that really matters... and I take great pride in the fact that I choose to behave like someone I would like to get to know. I and proud that I am strong enough not to act on all my silly thoughts. So I smile at my stroppy childish rant and I ask myself 'how do I feel about that?', and the thought just slipes away. (Yes they does pop back from time to time, but they seem to be getting weaker!). Then I give myself a treat and think about something that I really like instead.
You are not crazy - take care and go easy on yourself fellow human!
