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Hello this is my first time on here and looking for advice.
My husband and i have been married 9 years and together 14 years (we are 33). We started dating when we were 19 and partied full on with alcohol and all kinds off drugs till we were 24 (got married).
We started for baby and 2 miscarraiges and a year of trying had our first. Later had another 2 miscarraiges and had our second ( now 7 and 4).
We both worked in hospitality which fueled the party lifestyle but i left before i got pregnant with first but my husband stayed there until recently.
Over the past 7 years i have raised the children alone as daddy was too drunk or too drunk and tired or just sleeping! I worked full time also!
He has been done 4 times for DUI one ending in a bad car accident where he broke his back in three places and 3 ribs with deep cuts to his arm and head (thank the Lord he could still walk!). He has been badly beaten up wandering drunk home one night plus 100's more drink related things.
Ok to make a long story short alcohol has made my husband stuff up everything good over the last 7 years!
A year ago i couldn't take it anymore and had a full nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalised and sedated for a week. i was unable to do anything!
We are Christians and have been blessed like you can't imagine. He has a great job now out of hospitality that allows me to stay at home (i cant work anyway) and with the shock of my breakdown he has reduced his drinking heaps!
He drinks 2 1.5 cans beer fri, sat and sun. The thing is he still gets affected like he had had 10! I dont understand?
Its like i cant not say anything! I want to ignore his change when he drinks but after everything thats happened i just cant seem to let it go!
Please feel free to be honest. A
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Dont copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know Gods will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
I can see you are in a difficult place. Have you considered going to an Al-Anon meeting? or personal therapy? I found it (and still do at times) very difficult to see things objectively when you are "in" the situation. I've found that people here, my therapist and even Al-Anon have really helped me to stay focused and on track.
I spent years partying, then not so much after our child and he sobered up for a 5 year stretch...but then he started drinking "socially" again which ended up just picking up speed to a full blown addiction soon after. I have tried it all over the years - ignoring it, begging, pleading, be angry, joining him in it...it's been a roller coaster. If it weren't for supportive people in my life I don't know where I would be.
So, just keep doing your best and try the meetings or therapy and see if that helps you get through and make the decisions you need to for you and your children.
You are the first person ever who I've spoken to who is going through the same thing so I'm feeling relief with just your words!:)
I see a psych every two weeks (for the past year!)and I have good days and bad. I am a control freak and blame myself often because I feel the more I nag the more he drinks! Its a horrible cycle. I haven't been to any meetings as after my breakdown I can barely leave house except to go to church (must ask there have never thought to)
Thanks again:)
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Dont copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know Gods will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Hi and welcome to MIP. You have found the right place to be in the struggles. The first thing I want to comment on is the fact that your husband cut down on his drinking. Truly it could be the tiniest bit and it could affect him the same way. As I learn further about alcoholism I know that alcohol affects them so much differently. I use to joke how I could out drink my AH in the early parts of our relationship. I had no idea it was because he was an alcoholic and I was not. The only way an alcoholic can get better is to abstain for drinking completely but they have to be the one to want to do that. They generally relapse if it is for someone else and not their own well-being. You have made the best step for yourself by acknowledging there is a problem but now what will you do with that? Alanon is here to help those of us that are affected by someone else's disease. It really helps!!!! I have only been in the program for 6 months and I am making progress to better myself for my 5 children. Keep coming back here. Look into face to face meetings in your area. And please take care of yourself and your children. We are always here.
We are happy that you have found us. All of us here loves or has Loved an A (alcoholic/addict). I am pro therapy and I went through much of what you described about your breakdown but I took it to a whole new level. After 2 severe car accidents I developed PTSD. I took every medication out there just to make it thru the day. I was working my dream job. But after a while I let the depression & anxiety just flood over me. I couldn't even leave my home. I became agoraphobic and didn't step 1 foot out of my house for 1 1/2 yrs. Our children were grown and while i was in my depression I watched helplessly my son sink into his addiction. I don't know if there was anyway I could have stopped it back then (doubtful) but I hadn't the energy or the will to do anything. I became a shell of a person. My family did not understand. If they had taken a vote I would have been voted hands down "the least likely person to become depressed much less shut out the outside world or my loved ones". But it happened anyway. I tried every medication out there to no avail, and therapy (which I was paired up with a therapist who didn't help me at all). Nothing worked. I woke up one day got out of bed, took a couple of steps and literally fell to my knees and prayed to a God I had left behind a long time ago. I begged him to restore my sanity, to give me strength to get my life back etc. 3 days later I was lead to Alanon. Whew, what a miracle for me. I can't even put into words strongly enough how Alanon saved my life as well as my sanity over and over again. The people you meet will accept you unconditionally. You will find you are not alone anymore in your struggles. You now have a world wide army behind you on the ready to support you. No one will give you advice on what decisions you may need to make because although we all share many of the same struggles only you know what's best for you. What we can offer is our ESH = Experience, strength and Hope. What ever your circumstance there is someone who has walked in your shoes. I urge you to find an alanon meeting in your area and start attending. Feel free to join us here online in the meeting room as we have 2 online meetings a day. Like I said I am pro therapy as I have had better therapist than the last one i mentioned. But alanon has done for me what no therapist or medication could. And you can do both . This is a life long program as we have been so deeply affected by the addiction of others. I wasn't sure at first why I was here, I wasn't the addict. But I found I was just as if not sicker than my son. Having grown up with this disease my thinking, decision making etc was quite distorted and dysfunctional. I actually related and acted more like an addict without ever taking a drink or a drug. It is just how I was raised. Alanon will teach you how to change your life for the better if you are open and willing. And while some of the change is difficult it is so worth it. I would also urge you strongly to work the program not only for yourself but for your children. One healthy parent is better than none. If I had a do over I would have started the program when my children were young, so I could learn the healthy behaviors and coping skills alanon teaches. As it stands we passed on our dysfunctional thinking to our children. It is a regret I have to live with everyday although I try not to dwell on it. I wish you all the best going forward. Please keep posting Blessings
I'm glad you've found us and hope you'll also find face-to-face meetings. They can be lifesavers. I don't know your specific situation, of course. I just wanted to give my experience, which is that when my husband swore he was cutting down to a certain number of drinks, what that meant was that he was hiding the rest of his drinking. Addiction is very powerful and he was not able to control his drinking, even though he claimed that he could. I don't know your situation, of course, but that is a possibility. I'm sorry.
Xeno59- thank you for all you said and encouragement. My Dad was an alcoholic and was a little violent... My husbands Dad was too and a chain smoker and he died of throat cancer in 2003 (52). My husband admitted he had a problem years ago and went to a phycologist which did nothing! I am just happy to be talking to you guys about it! I never wanted to as its admitting things aren't good.
Mattie- Thanks for your comments! Its almost funny if it wasn't so sad that I have found beer cans hidden in the most peculiar places! He acts like a child or arrogant when I confront him. My family is sick of hearing about it and just gives unhelpful advice (I know its not their fault they don't understand).
My Dad had 3 heart attacks, heart surgery, diabetes, morbidly obese, chronic back pains etc etc :( he one day around 4 years ago said to my mum that he is going to stop drinking and smoking and he hasn't touched either since! (No hiding as he can't hardly move!)
I want to know how to act to protect my kids from it. I have a few times taken kids in my bedroom away from him because of the things he does says etc...
What is the best way to handle an episode? Ignore him?Move into another room? Any advice??
Thanks A
__________________
Dont copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know Gods will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
I can very much relate and also have seen a Christian counselor for a long time. Al-anon saved my life from being a string of miserable days to merely be survived for the rest of my life to a good life. I am hoping you can get books like "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, the daily readers and much more. Getting to the al-anon face to face meetings is where it all started for me then I found my sponsor and then MIP and things just keep getting better. I am so glad you found us! Sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I have ordered the book " codependent no more" so should get that soon. I have major control issues and I am a perfectionist so I know I am part of the drinking! If I lived with me sometimes I would have starting drinking more too!
I have been doing a lot of prayer and soul searching so I feel my reactions are changing (and he says he's trying...) to his drinking therefore making my life so much easier.
__________________
Dont copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know Gods will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
. This is a life long program as we have been so deeply affected by the addiction of others. I wasn't sure at first why I was here, I wasn't the addict. But I found I was just as if not sicker than my son. Having grown up with this disease my thinking, decision making etc was quite distorted and dysfunctional. I actually related and acted more like an addict without ever taking a drink or a drug. It is just how I was raised.