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Her dad has had visitation pulled due to continued drug/alcohol abuse. His reaction was to pack up her stuff and dump it on my porch. We've had a quiet week since then until tonight. She wants to talk to her dad. His number has been blocked from her phone so as to avoid inappropriate calls/texts to her. She is free to use my phone ANYTIME to contact him. Problem is...he won't answer if it's my number.
So tonight, in a fit of rage she told me a few things that I kind of knew but now really know. For the past 5 months anytime I've called or texted him he would delete it without reading/listening to it. She said if she was with him he would make a nasty face and hit delete. She said he's been drunk her whole life and it's normal to her. That he is angry with me (for divorcing him) and its my fault he won't communicate. I made him mad and I must hate her and I'm doing this on purpose.
I responded (in tears) that this is not normal. That he is not acting like a responsible father and that there is NOTHING I can do to change that. I told her makes me very sad. I told her I was sorry. She said that I am always blaming him and it's my fault too. I explained that his choice to pick alcohol and drugs over being a good parent is not my fault. That he's really sick right now and he is not thinking straight.
I feel awful tonight. My heart hurts for her. I know she wants to see him and talk to him. But he is so messed up right now and so toxic for her. The therapists and mediator assure me I'm doing the right thing but all I want to do is cave in. She hurts if she's with him and she hurts if she isn't with him and it just hurts me in turn. It makes me want to move 6 states away from this mess...which is not a solution.
She is refusing Alateen and shutting down in therapy and only wants to talk to me and I can't reason with her because she is so mad. If you've been through this with kids...any words of wisdom? It took me so long to get out of this sick marriage and all I wanted was to show her a strong example and a healthier life so she won't get stuck in this cycle and I am feeling like a big failure tonight.
(((((((HUGS)))))))) It sounds to me like you are being the responsible parent and you answered her declarations about him just fine. Keep on telling her that he also has choices. Keep on telling her that he is making his own choices. Keep on telling her that you are not forcing him with any of his choices. Keep on letting her know that you are there for her..... just for her. She is in pain. I used to hear my daughter crying in her room and know that it was because she was finally figuring out what was wrong with her dad and there was nothing I could do about it. It broke my heart but it was grief that she had to work through for herself. She would cry "All I want is a real dad". Your daughter just needs you to be there. She will work out her grief.
I would stick with the same phrases so as to stay logical and detached. "Your dad is suffering from alcoholism. He's not a bad person. He's a sick person." It does suck that you will get the brunt of this because who else is there to take it? I'm not sure I would say he is choosing alcohol over being a responsible father. I'm pretty sure in his sick mind he believes he is responsible. His failures as a parent are more due to sickness and denial than choice. Not that he should get off so easy. You are doing right by protecting her, but it doesn't help your daughter to believe her dad is literally choosing a bottle over her. It's not realistic to the actual disease of alcoholism either. The alcoholic believes they can have their cake and eat it too. They honestly think the problem is with the world and everyone else. He's not choosing to be a sick, morally underdeveloped jerk. That is a tragic byproduct of alcoholism. Not to feel sorry for him - but it is tragic and not so maddening the more you are able detach... Who would choose to be a crappy drunk dad?
Thank you for your responses...I will re-tailor my response about his alcoholism. I do try to keep things pointed that direction - it's his choice, when he's drinking he doesn't make good choices...that kind of thing but I will change the phrasing. I appreciate the insight. Sometimes it's tough to stay on track and feel like I'm saying the right things. I certainly don't hate him and I surely don't hate her. I just hate the behavior and choices he is making. Sad.
