The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I finally had a moment of clarity. For over a year I have been trying to figure out why I cannot work on myself but always seem to try to work to fix others. Today after yet another argument in front of the kids I realized that I cannot ever fix myself as long as I am living with my AH. For a long time I have waited for that moment to know its time. Yes instill have doubts but I realize that those doubts are because I am filled with happy memories of what used to be. When I think back about all the hell I have been enduring my doubts disappear. I actually find myself being envious of the people who post about their happy new lives without their A. I am thankful for my journal because reading my passages is a good reminder of my journey.
I can no longer be told I am crazy. I can no longer be told that I am the root of all his problems. Why wouldn't he leave me if that we're true? I deserve to be happy and so do my kids. I messages my attorney and called. Friend to go with me. I talked to my kids who seemed a little upset but a lot relieved. It really hit home when my 10 year old little mansard he was sorry for me because he thought it would be harder on me than him because I have known the man longer than him (he who is his dad). He then looked up at me and said its going to be okay. It's for the best.
Please pray for me and my family as we travel onto another path.
I think the hardest part for me was letting go of what would have, could have, should have been, if only.... I needed a lot of al-anon, and time to realize what really was, and acknowledge that that was the reality I needed to face and shape my future on. Though divorce was incredibly painful, it provided hope for a peaceful future. Children are amazing and get many of their cues from us. You'r'e in my prayers as you navigate through this phase in your life. Keep working the program. It'll get better.
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Imom listen to your head even when it conflicts with your heart. For me it was hard to leave but it would have been harder to stay. Even in my hardest of days now ( only 8 weeks removed ) it's not as bad as the chaos & insanity I lived with when I still lived with my A.
Hold on tight to those babies... They are precious & more resilient than we as adults would ever think they could be. When i think back at the small amount I subjected my 14yr old daughter too, I feel so guilty at times... I chose to live that insanity with my A, my daughter wasn't given a choice- she would have left a long time ago & is so content to have a "normal" calm life now & have me focused on her & our life instead of REacting to my A's crazy addiction & mental illness.
Wishing you the best of peace, hope & love in 2013 as you make changes!
Alanon is here to support you in what ever you choose to do, you are not alone, reach out.
I will not be around my partner when he is actively drinking I can not let the disese attack me and my kids. My partner has been in AA for 3 year but is in and out of sobriety. On his last slip I left for 6 months and left him to destroy himself but removed and protectd my kids, I can not stop him I am powerless, but I can remove myself.
Anyway at first it was hard but I went to lots of meetings, read read read, prayed to hp, spent lots of time with al anon friends who understood. Slowly it got better and better.
My house became peaceful, so did my children and finally so did I. If people wanted to tell me what he was doing i would say I do not wat to know. If he ran for hlp I told him that only AA could help him.
I really found myself and today weather this relationship works or not I am o.k. All I know is this disease estroys everything in its path, it a tornado was oming at my family I would run.
Today if my partner is working on himself and slowly chnaging into the nman he really is I support but if he lets the disease get I grip, I do what he would truley want when well I protect us all with the help of the fellowship.
Hp will hold you in his arms take what you like and leave the rest.
Imom, I did reach that conclusion myself. In retrospect, the problem wasn't that it was him, but he brought out terrible parts in me. It was really hard to work on myself. No, it wasn't "all me" in that I was the only one that was messed up, but it was all on me because I repeatedly exposed myself to him and stayed stuck in a set pattern of dysfunctional reacting to crazy behaviors. Some of it was me being crazy, some of it was him, then the rest came from the toxic combo of "us" being together and feeding off each other.
You are taking some really brave steps and I am proud of you. Don't think you haven't made progress because, even just seeing you post here and work things through, you would not have gotten to this point if you were not making progress all along. Your HP has always been with you and now you are just relying on your HP more. You were always making progress even if you didn't realize it. Now the changes will really come at you fast. Keep your alanon program going strong!
I too came to that conclusion and it wasn't easy, I mourned the loss of my dreams even though they were mostly unreality. 2 years later I know I did the best thing for our family, we had to get out of each others and our HP's way and we are now both healthier (he has started AA recently and I have nothing to do with it). Fear kept me there and once I really let go of control and handed us both over things just kept getting better. Just keep diving into your program and watch the growth take off! Sending you much love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I am proud of you for having your aha moment. It is very difficult to live with this disease. I hope too that one day soon I come to that point. I also hold on to the what could have beens wishing there was another way. Taking this one step at a time. (((Hugs)))
I tried to have a civil conversation about my decision. I told him that I am leaving to work on myself etc.etc. he just keeps telling me I need psychiatric help and medication. I know I cannot possibly be that far gone. I know I need counseling which I have sought out and aim attending a f2f tonight. I feel totally in control of my thoughts and actions for once in a long time yet he just keeps trying to convince me that there is something wrong with me. What if he's right and I am breaking apart our family for a reason that is all my fault? How do I know that I am doing the right thing? I told him that I will be seeing someone toward on myself but that it will be none of his concern. He still maintains that he is above therapy and addiction counseling and he will not participate in marriage counseling. From my perspective I have been left with no other alternatives. By the way it has only been10 minutes since our conversation and he is sound asleep again. He slept for 13 hours last night and 13 the night before along with little nodding off catnaps during various activities. I'm the one that needs help?
Wow Imom, I totally understand...I am going through the same thing...ready to leave, afraid for my kids future. Our home life has become intollerable but yet I am not ready. Remind yourself that you are a strong woman and you will be able to go on. My AH also told me that I was bi-polar and I needed medication. This is only when I react with upset over something he did due to alcohol. I cannot react at all. If something happens that upsets me due to his drinking or parenting skills (lack of) then I am in trouble for defending myself or standing my ground. It is not fair.
So although I am not ready to leave quite yet, I am starting the new year with getting him a bank account for himself to pay his own bills (he has never done this and can't write checks and has never lived on his own). Well he is going to get used to it. So any bills of his I will not be paying anymore. He is a bit afraid of why I am doing this and keeps asking me why I want him to have his own account. I know he will spend, spend, spend.
And he gets plenty of liberties and freedom, while I take care of the kids on the weekend. Right now he is snowmobiling and drinking with a neighbor for the whole day. Over New Years, I let him have a free pass to go out to the bars with his friends the whole night. He never came home and spent the night at their house and was so hung over that he was throwing up and said in the new year he was going to stop completely. I don't believe it for a second. I didn't call him once while he was gone, did really well with the detachment, but to be honest, it doesn't feel good playing this game and it's not fair. I am not happy. Do something to make yourself happy. Do it for you. That's what I will be trying to do in the new year because I am done!
I totally agree with Loupiness about letting go of the "could have, would have, should have". My husband could get drunk every night for a week, but after just one good day without alcohol I am right back to believing that we could have a future together, that everything will be all right, that he will quit drinking. And then it all starts again and I'm thinking "how stupid am I". So I am starting to prepare to leave him. I've been taking courses online so that I can work when the time comes. I'm thinking about where I will move to. And when he says something like "where should we retire?" I am evasive. I say "I" want to live near my family. So if I'm going to leave him in a year and a half, when do I let him in on the plan?
