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sooo... I live in a small town with a very large extended family. Many of them I don't even know. never got to know. and really don't have the desire to get to know. We are speaking of my biological father's side of the family.
Since I started Al-Anon on-line, I have attempted to go to face to face meetings. My problem is this: I go to a meeting, or two, or 3... and all the suddon I get a harrassing phone call from one of the 8 siblings in my father's family. I have now been to 7 different meetings in seven different places. I have not had contact with my father in about 15 years. I have had only on-line contact with cousins, and I do not discuss my recovery with them, or even let them know... because of the harrassing phone calls. I am always being threatened of some sort of misery if I, as ther say when they call, "You better not start telling a bunch of 9bad word) lies at some (bad word) Al-Anon meeting.
Truth is, if I opened my mouth, some of them migh end up in prison... but I know that Al-Anon is for ME & my recovery is for ME. I have no need to air their dirty laundry, nevertheless, they have a fear that I will. I don't blame them... I would love to see them go to prison... and they know that, but that job is up to the legal system. I am not a judge, jury, or exocutioner!
I am just so bummed that I have yet to find a truely anonymous face to face meeting in my area... It is unfortunate. My sponsor is in bad health & I need to find another, as I worry about him. I wonder if I am still being stalked by 1 of 2 people in particular in my private life, but I don't have any proof, and sadly that is a rational fear in my world.
I'm coming to the point where I am not sure if I should call the police & tell them I might still be getting stalked (there are orders of protection that have been in place for 10 years) or if I should just continue to find an anonymous meeting. Any advice is welcome with open arms and an open heart.
I just want you all to know how grateful I am to have you as an Al-Anon family.
Much love in recovery,
Desi
-- Edited by Desirae on Saturday 29th of December 2012 01:14:45 PM
Our community has changed since i started Alanon 30 years ago. It all ended when the gummint built a huge dam at the bottom of the valley. But "everyone" knew I was going to 'those rooms'. Mebbe because they saw my car parked outside.
I don't have any differences with city Alanon members... but sometimes our strategy is different out here in the sticks, and it has to be. Twice recently we stopped advertising when we had a new member. So they could get a grasp of the programme, and a grounding, without more new members, who might not understand the rules.
This worked out ok, because we did get the new members, one or two, when we were ready for them.
Some people thought I was in AA. We shared the same rooms. That did not bother at the time but a lot of people treated me like a drunk, including family.
So rural small-town members do have special issues to consider. I am a GR now... and thanks be to the programme I manage to have a quiet self assured voice to explain to city folks how it has to be for us sometimes. I thinkI have left the angry old me behind.
Thanks Desirae, and I hope you have a happy New Year.
I have a bit of experience with small towns and I can well imagine that if you have some unbalanced people, they're going to do unbalanced things and it's hard to get out of their view.
I wonder if the problem is deliberate stalking as opposed to just being nosy and interfering? For instance, I can imagine that people who feel threatened by Al-Anon know where and when the meetings are. So if they drive by the place where a meeting is going on, they'll glance in the parking lot. And in my small town, everyone knows everyone's car by heart. So if your car is in the parking lot, they conclude you're at the meeting. And if you're at the meeting and they're paranoid and dysfunctional, they think you're talking about them and their crimes.
I wonder if it would help at all if you got a lift to a meeting? If you didn't get any calls after that, you'd know it was them checking up on cars, and not someone in the meeting violating confidentiality. Of course the dysfunctional relatives might keep calling for a while just to try to intimidate you. Is there a way you can screen your calls, or would that just escalate their approach?
In general I would think a good meeting would be the exact right place where people would understand the dysfunction of relatives. I do hope someone is not violating confidentiality. Because I am a wicked person, I might be tempted to plant a harmless piece of news in the meeting ("it turns out I won a free trip to Hawaii!") and see if your relatives end up knowing it. But that's probably not in the spirit of Al-Anon authenticity and straightforwardness.
I hope you're able to find a good meeting where you can feel safe, because a face-to-face support system is so helpful.
I am so sorry that you encountered this. The tradition of anonymity is a spiritual one as well and a sacred trust . Each member should in good conscience embrace it.
I also believe that personal issues should not be shared at the meeting and should be kept for alanon calls to trusted members or talks with the sponsor. Meetings should be a place where I share my experience strength and hope. No gets to know my last name or outside life at all
I live in a large community in NYC. Many times a Movie Actor or Actress attends a meeting and although I would love to call all my friends and tell them I honor the tradition and keep their anonymity.
If you feel you are being stalked I would call the police.
I started attending al-anon 2 years ago in a tiny town and everyone would see my car in the lot where the meetings took place. Some people had asked me about it and I would give vague answers and change the subject. I needed the meetings more than I cared what anyone thought. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I also believe that personal issues should not be shared at the meeting and should be kept for alanon calls to trusted members or talks with the sponsor. Meetings should be a place where I share my experience strength and hope. No gets to know my last name or outside life at all
...this is a great topic... Betty, I think there is another issue here- which relates to small town groups, and maybe also to new groups. It is New Year already here in NZ... the last year I believe I built up trust, and respect through this forum. I will raise this issue on a seperate thread in a few days. Thanks- and happy new year. [Bleddyn Newydd Dda I bawb] DavidG.
Thanks Desirae, and I hope you have a happy New Year. 