The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After my brother went through rehab, I allowed him to move into my house until he got on his feet. He was sober for the first year and I gave him all the support I could. But then he started drinking more and more. He just ruined our Christmas celebration for the 3rd year in a row -- as well as our Easter dinners.
He's been living in my house for 10 years -- that have been sometimes good, but very often bad. (I know that is way too many years.) I feel like he is draining the life out of me. I told him over and over again that he he has to move out, but he refuses to leave. (He can't get an apartment because of his credit history.) I went to a lawyer and she said I have to go to court, then the police will have the authority to remove him and put him and his posessions on the street.
This is so hard for me to do because of the horrible abandonment issues I had as a child. (When I was 3-5 years old, my mother used to periodically lock me out of our house for hours and tell me to go find another place to live. We lived on one of the largest, busiest main streets in Detroit, and it was terrifying.)
It hurts me to my soul to put my brother on the street -- but I know I have to do it.
Please say what you think about this. I hope it will help me to take the legal action I need to take.
-- Edited by frannix on Friday 28th of December 2012 11:13:51 PM
-- Edited by frannix on Friday 28th of December 2012 11:43:12 PM
-- Edited by frannix on Saturday 29th of December 2012 12:01:45 AM
-- Edited by frannix on Saturday 29th of December 2012 12:07:29 AM
-- Edited by frannix on Saturday 29th of December 2012 12:33:38 AM
-- Edited by frannix on Saturday 29th of December 2012 12:36:31 AM
Alcoholism is a dreadful progressive disease that causes the confusion, pain and chaos that you are experiencing. The AMA has labeled this condition as a disease over which we are powerless. We who live with the disease are adversely affected by it and need a program of a recovery of our own. Alanon face to face meetings are held in every community and I urge you to check them out The main number should be listed in the White pages of the telephone directory.
Attending meetings, connecting with others who are walking the same road, learning new tool to live by will help you find solutions that will lead to freedom. We did not cause alcoholism, cannot control it and cannot cure it Your brother knows that here is help out there, AA has a help line that he can call for help He is not alone.
Please check out meetings for yourself and keep coming back.
I understand how transforming the 12-step meetings can be. My brother went to AA for over a year and was doing so well. But he sped through the steps and crashed. That was his fault. (Other members told him he was going overboard.) I have not been able to get him to go back to meetings again.
I've been to Al-Anon -- which is a wonderful group that can give you so much insight. But I don't have time to attend meetings right now. I'm hoping I can get some immediate support about my particular problem on this message board.
Does anyone have any specific comments that might inspire me to do what I need to do?
Your childhood experiences sound terrifying. Much credit to you for living through that and working on putting those things behind you.
The difference between your childhood experiences and your brother's now is that he is not a three-year-old, he is an adult. Granted he wants to act like a 3-year-old and be taken care of like one. But that is unhealthy for him and for you, as you know better than anyone else. To keep catering to his pretense of helplessness, as he is trying to insist that you do, is to infantalize him. True respect means treating him like the adult he is. So the way I see it, you are not being harsh by insisting that he start being the adult he is. You are being respectful. Only when people understand the consequences of their dysfunction do they have a chance at living life healthily. You are aiming to give him that chance.
And of course he is aiming to prevent you. I remember when I was five or so and my mother said I had to start tying my shoes instead of having her do it every morning. I pitched a fit. "I don't want to do it! You do it! It takes too long for me to do it!" But what if she had kept tying my shoes -- I'd be 35 and late for work -- "Sorry, boss, I couldn't get in on time because my mother had to get a knot out before she could tie my laces." So of course we all want someone to coddle us sometimes. But we actually feel so much better when we know we can stand on our own two feet and tie our own shoes.
And of course the disease of addiction is trying every means it can to hang on. The disease will fight to its dying breath. When your brother insists he won't leave, it's really the disease talking.
If your addict is anything like mine, he will try every guilt-trip in the book to try to keep things the same (easy for his addiction). I doubted myself for a while, he sounded so certain. Then I saw that it was insanity talking. Living with an addict is a daily invitation to crazytown. I'm so glad that you're aiming to show crazytown the door. Hang in there. I hope you'll keep coming back and keep getting support. No one should have to go through this alone. Hugs.
If you say that he needs to move out, then you should follow through with that. Idle threats make you loose all credibility with him. If you have not read the book "Getting Them Sober" I highly recommend it.
Frannix -You are probably familiar with the phrase "if you do what you have always done, you will get what you always have gotten." Hence, I do support you doing something different. I suspect you just are looking for someone to back you up saying "No it's not evil and wrong to kick your brother out on the street." That's really not what you are doing anyhow but I recognize that this would be the horrible thought that might come to your head. It is his drinking and a decade of his leeching and horrible behavior that has resulted in the consequence. It has nothing to do with you even. Having been in alanon before, I know you have heard them (us...whatever) stress detachment as a tool. In this instance, I believe it would help you best to detach to the point that you view yourself as his landlord. He is a tennant that is disrupting your property and your quality of life. Evicting him is what any sensible landlord would do right?
This will allow you to be his sister again and not have blurred boundaries and horrible resentments to the end. He is already drinking himself to death. No joke. It sounds like he is really drinking himself to death. So it can't get much worse. Honestly. Do your best to divorce yourself from the idea of yourself as his savior from homelessness. That puts you in the role of God and it also stops him from having his own natural consequences. His alcohol has him in this predicament.
I'm sorry this has been such a nightmare for you and your family. Alcoholism truly sucks.
Aloha Frannix and welcome to the board also...You have 10 years enabling him so this isn't going to change over night. Alcoholism isn't a quick fix and for one reason is it doesn't happen overnight...it takes a lot out of our live one day at a time. I had tons of excuses and tons of anger and rage when I first approached (against my will) the doors of Al-Anon. I hadn't heard yet that alcoholism is a progressive disease and that it only gets worse for everyone affected by it...drinker and not. That is what happened to me...I peeked into a couple of meetings...Al-Anon and AA and then stormed back home and then I was the trigger that helped my alcoholic/addict wife to "go back out" re-continue drinking and using and for me loosing every bit of sanity I thought I had left. If you are convinced "not now" maybe checking in on the board daily will help. If nothing changes...nothing changes...only in alcoholisms paradigm..."If nothing changes...everything gets worse". He already knows you want him out. He already knows that when he does nothing, you do nothing except get more worried and angry, He already knows he can drink on top of this. He already knows you're more afraid than he is (kinda, sorta like waiting for the other shoe to drop syndrome). If what he's gonna do is drink...you have to do something different. The Serenity Prayer has solutions resulting from "Asking God" for Serenity to accept...Courage to change...and Wisdom to know. The prayer is on the face page for Miracles in Progress and God is a power greater than we are. I found out that I was standing in the way between HP, (God) and my alcoholic/addict wife and when I got out of the way...she found sobriety. When I also surrendered or rather abandoned my self to a power greater than myself I got into and stay in the Al-Anon Family Groups. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
I hear that you know what you want to do. Al-anon helped build me up enough so that I followed through without all the guilt I put on myself and took on from others. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I was busy at work and didn't check this message board for the last 2 days. You all have sent me some very excellent advice. I quickly scanned it and I can see that.
I have't had time yet to process it -- but I will read it over & over again for the next few days. I will really try to take your advice to heart and use it.
And I'm also open to more advice from others. (I'm looking for all the motivation I can get -- I don't want to discourage anyone from giving me advice.)
Thank you all so much. I'm so glad I found this website.
The responses you gave me were so right on-the-money. I keep reading them over-and-over and I do really understand them.
My situation right now is that my brother is in guilt mode -- and is paying rent and fixing a few things in my house (that were broken for over a year -- and which he ignored up until now.)
If he always acted like he is right now -- I wouldn't mind living with him.
But I know this won't last. In a while he will get drunk and be totally obnoxious again.
He says he applied for low-income housing and will leave as soon as they call him. (But why should he? He has everything here. I wonder if he will tell me when they call him.)
I am hoping he will just move out and I won't have to take any legal action.
Anyway, that's where I stand. I know I'm not doing what I should. I feel bad asking for support -- when I'm not doing what I should be doing.
-- Edited by frannix on Tuesday 8th of January 2013 09:30:27 PM
-- Edited by frannix on Tuesday 8th of January 2013 10:03:32 PM
