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Karren, you stated you are "not putting up" with any of his nasty drunken behaviors. What I am reading is that you are putting up with them, only you are getting resentful, angry, and complaining now instead of taking all the abuse without questioning.
You can act as sweet as pie and just say "I'm not listening to drunk talk" and walk away. You don't need to take his drunken rantings to heart. Not putting up with it would mean drawing boundaries and sticking to them. When someone tries to shove the blame off on me for their disease, I hand it back to them where it belongs. If something totally distorted is coming out such as it being your fault there are problems with your son, I might calmly state "Hrm. I will take that into consideration. I'm sure I have my part in things and I'm not denying that, but it's my opinion that a large portion of the problems result from your untreated alcoholism." Then walk away and don't engage in arguments. Some folks would see that as starting an argument, and it might just do that, but it's better than living in massive resentment and feeling like you are getting tarred. As much as it sucks, it does involve saying things like "this conversation is unacceptable," "This behavior is inappropriate," walking away, leaving the house, or sometimes ending the relationship if you can't tolerate the nasty abuse.
You do not need to argue, but you can call a spade a spade and walk away. It's not going to be pretty and he's not going to like it, but either he will accept it or things will end. At least you won't be at his mercy any more. I guess the key is to be true to yourself. Say the truth. Say it kind and in a detached way and don't argue....Don't take his BS personally.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 28th of December 2012 09:36:59 AM
After 22 years of drinking, raising kids and hubby having horrible relationship with my son. Which was a handful to say the least. My husband and I got together when my son was 4 months. My husband was on him hard, I was always in the middle. My son in high school stayed away from home as much as he could. Mess.
My husband is now on this kick, which I think is still because of me not drinking with him anymore for a long time now, I am mean. Christmas night telling my son, while he is plastered that all those years of fighting between my son and me was my fault. I am judgemental and just mean. It went on and on trying to look like the saint parent. Really? My son says I never had his back, I was always trying to keep the peace with the husband. My son and him were always beating my ear about the other. My husband was horrible to him and me. It was a nightmare that went on for years.
Son left that night, and then my husband came back in the room I was in watching tv and started to lecture me on how mean I am and I need to make up with my uncle. Which is a dry drunk I told how he was acting and made me feel and now is not speaking to me. The next trip to me in my recliner was for me to watch the Kirk Cameron movie that was on CMT about divorce , one of his christian movies. Forget the title.
This is all new behavior, like he is trying to save my soul. Figure it is blame shifting or trying to feel better about himself by making me feel and seem bad. If not what is this? Only when he is drunk or course.
Also, he is getting drunk really fast now days. Is this due to liver damage not showing up on blood tests yet? After 30 some years?
Think you hit the nail on the head easier to deflect blame and guilt then face yourself. I too spent years in the middle, only after going to program did I realize it was another way of enabling. Now I let them face each other. I realize now, I stop communication between them. It is not always pretty, but it is better. When my husband drinks, he too plays the blame game. We are seperated now, while he gets his act together, AGAIN. His behavior was so out of bounds, I intially didn't allow communication, even when he got sober AGAIN. When I finally did it was positive, with him being kind and saying he wanted to save the marriage (opposite of what he was saying drunk). Then he comes Christmas, sober but back to the old poor me and telling me his therapist says I'm not meeting HIS needs and he drinks because he is unhappy. I know I am not responsible for his happiness. He is trying to get into long term treatment, but I told him it will not doing any good if he can't face himself and continues to blame out side forces for his problems. We'll see ODAT.
I'm not sure if it is a "new phase of the disease" or just simply put "part of the disease of alcoholism" to blame shift. I too have had this experience with my dry drunk husband, (now ex) and my step-son (who still calls me his step-mom) and my daughter who despises my ex. He also (the ex) turned to religion after he got "sober" (the name of the movie you were referring to I believe is Fireproof) and likes to point out that he got "sober" by himself and that only 'weak' people need AA! A very "self-righteous" attitude to say the least. I said, "Oh, and God didn't have anything to do with it then? You did it all by yourself?" To which he replied, "Well, yeah, God did help some." LOL
My ex-AH actually said I was being too easy on my daughter and she needed more "disapline" which might have actually been true to some extent, but the way he went about it, I felt like was entirely wrong. Anyway, he also had this same approach with his son, which didn't go over much better! lol I think that is why the step-son always came to me for advice (and I would only share e,s,&h like a good little al-anon! lol) and still does to this day.
Family dynamics have always been facinating to me, and even more so now that I have been in alanon a few 24 hours. I still maintain that the only person that we have any control over is ourselves, and the rest we have to turn over to God, especially our family. We can share our expereince, strength and hope (e,s,&h) but in the long run, it's up to them. As far as the getting drunk faster, I have heard that the longer they drink the more alcohol it takes to have the same effect, so you may be entirely right about that, the liver may be losing (or lost) it's ability to filter the toxins out. Prayers and hugs to you.
Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
In the middle is where I've always placed myself, I've never thought of it as enabling but your right. In the middle of my ex and his family then ex and our son. Now I'm in between 2 sons. It's driven by fear on my part. I'm scared of confrontation and violence. When I really think of it I have encouraged them to behave in this way because they know I'm there to keep the peace. For me though I'm terrified and this is when I lose my program. I get scared il lose my flat through the noise, il lose my youngest son if my eldest hits him like he threatens, I worry about damage caused by their fighting. I also worry that my interfering is making it all worse but I'm not sure how far it could go. I'm angry they behave this way in my home. I'm tempted to call the police next time that's what I would do if anyone else done this. Then I get angry as my x ah does nothing and uses family trouble to sink further into the bottle, thats what they do though. Next time I think I will guard my serenity and phone the police. Thanks.
Thank you guys for your replies. Fireproof I knew that movie had something to do with firemen. Now, that I explained his new actions, let me put some background here.
Oh, and yes I was enabling. Did not know it then, but too wanted to keep the peace as much as possible. Those years were walking on eggshells all the time. Which now I have two autoimmune diseases and fibromyalgia. Eating disorders that swing from one to the other. Hello....just hurt myself. Too late to change it now, but do not do it now. In previous posts I said he does not like the new me, not babying him, serving him dinner first to get him out of my kitchen or just serving him period in some sick way. Used to be treated like a king, just to keep him happy. Sick it was. Now, I do not drink, or put up with any of his old behaviors or hold my tongue much anymore either.
Every year he uses up all his vacation a day at a time, usually Mondays until the two weeks is used up in Feb. Then he gets points against him to the point of getting in trouble. The new one was he got FMLA that rolls in case our special needs daughter is sick and I am not there to care for her or take her to the doctor. See where this is going.
Now, he has missed several days in Nov. to the point of gettng half a check for two weeks pay. Then finding out the bills are behind due to his lack of working and no pay. Yes, he has some new bone spurs in his neck and going to need some surgery on his shoulders. So the pain is his excuse, then he is up and running the rest of the day. Figured out bills are very messed up last Thursday, mad because he would have to work during plant shut down this week to make up for last weeks not going to work. Guess where he is . Home has not worked all week. It is only going to get much worse. I pay the bills. Of course it is all may fault. I also have until the end of Jan. to fix the mess or he is taking them over. Really?! This is the main cause of the blame game for everything lately, for this mess he is creating and wants to make himself feel better.....I;m guessing.
Let me add since my last post a few minutes ago, I woke him to tell him he was going to be late for his MRI. I now have to call and cancel, this is the third precert he has had for it. He wanted to do it so he did not have to take off work. Guess it will be my fault I woke him to late. I told him to get up brush his teeth, get dressed he had plenty of time. He said I need to take a shower, just reschedule.Feel like I am dealing with lazy teenage boy.
It is indeed a progressive disease, and will always change into something, usually something worse than before. I'm glad you're here. I've done those things you talk about when mine got worse and I feel bad about not being active in my own recovery to arrest some of those things. I can only learn from the past though. I don't know if my kids and ex wife will ever forgive me. I can only work on me today. Better later then never they say, but I do t feel any better about it yet. Yet. Big huge 3 letter word. Keep coming. I've heard it gets better.
Let me add since my last post a few minutes ago, I woke him to tell him he was going to be late for his MRI. I now have to call and cancel, this is the third precert he has had for it. He wanted to do it so he did not have to take off work. Guess it will be my fault I woke him to late. I told him to get up brush his teeth, get dressed he had plenty of time. He said I need to take a shower, just reschedule.Feel like I am dealing with lazy teenage boy.
Hi Karren
I choose the remark above about he MRI because it shows how we continue to ""Take Care of the Alcoholic" as if they are teenage boys instead of responsible men. I know I did this and it was an amend I needed to make when I worked my Steps. I did for others what they can and should do for themselves. I learned that it is not my job to make his appointments or cancel them. If he had to go through the trouble of negotiating an appointment he might make sure he shows up for it . In addition if an appointment is not kept there is usually a fee involved. Learning how to stop doing this takes time and is part of a bigger picture of everyone taking responsibility for their own actions and contributing to the whole
I also hear your frustration, anger and pain. I too lived in the middle trying to keep the peace while making my needs and myself "Invisible" I remember one day my son, then 12 years old showed up at my office with blood all over his shirt. The secretary brought him to my office and I was so upset. He said "Do not worry, I punched HIM in the nose and it is his blood" . That was the day I decided I needed help and found alanon.
Thank God for alanon because when I walked into the rooms I had no where else to go and the pain was too much. I knew that I needed help. I needed to learn how to take care of myself, validate my needs and opinions while being part of a family. Alanon Steps and Traditions taught me this.
In my double drunk trainwreck relationship...my ex couldn't pay a bill to save his life. So I totally took care of him and was the financially responsible one. Meanwhile, I didn't lift a finger, wouldn't take out the trash, cook, clean or do anything to help out AT ALL. He constantly told me I "didn't participate in life" and he was right. I had to have my sponsor teach me how to vacuum in my 1st year sober and it was not until this year that I finally made my own doctor and dentist appointments and actually followed through. Hence, I identify with being the "taken care of" little boy and also the caretaker.
THank you again for the replies. Yes, I am still putting up with his drunken behaviors. I guess what I was trying to say was that I say things to him, tell him he is drunk and he needs to get away from me or talk to me about it when he is sober. Which does not always work, but that is that. A few weeks ago when he was drunk I laid it all on the line about how his drinking is worse, asked if something was bothering him to make him drink more. It just became a twisted mess. I knew I should wait until he was sober right then and there, but I told myself in that moment, it did not matter if he was drunk or sober. It really was for me anyway. He would not take any drinking conversation rationally at any point. It is like him calling me fat and hitting my nerve on my constant weight issues. Which is funny because he tried to rationalize just that. A couple days of not speaking to me after that night, he said I was mean and he would never talk to me that way, I need to lose weight because it is not healthy and I could die from it. I need to lose 40 pounds, I am not way over weight but enough my bp and cholesteral would for sure go down. j
So, me calling him out on the drinking and or telling him I do not want to hear things until he is sober. Even asking him not to drink on certain occasions is just hitting a nerve or he feels it is punching him in the gut. He has pride that he holds a job, he was raised to provide for your family and that is about it. He has admitted with the horrible growing up issue, he does not know how to be a husband or father. Just a provider. Now, he is slipping at that. I do not work due to taking care of our special needs daughter which goes into school later in the morning due to her IEP and to old for daycare. So, work for me is out of the question. To work nights, he does get manditory overtime into the evening which would cut into my work. So...he is the primary bread winner. He knows he is messing up but at the same time not trying to fix it. Like he has thrown in the towel. Just really does not want to work and avoiding it as much as he can get away with. Not that anyone wants to work. The shoulder and neck issue has not been talked about now that work is shut down for the holidays. Before the shut down he would lay in bed all day, and moan and groan. So again, knowing the bills will get worse and then I am heading for a huge blame game and fight, it is frustrating. He is also one that has never been wrong or took any blame. Never says he is sorry , once in 22 yrs. Hate we have only one f2f meeting in this area and it is at 8PM on a Tue. I know I am going to need it or already need it.
http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/aa980225.htm this is about enabling............how true do you feel this is. Ignore it, I have done that for 21 years, no change. I think ignoring it, makes him ignore it.
