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My husband has been an alcoholic ever since we met. He says, you met me like this, so whats the problem. My problem is we have two sons (of whick he adopted from my previous marriage) and a 4 yr old daughter. Currently he is going to AA and trying his best. I go to meetings when I can find the time...which is not as much as I would like. I am happy most of the time but today, I am waiting for the walls to crumble. When he drinks he is not your typical drunk. He is what we call a highly functional drunk. I asked him to go to counseling with me because I don't want the kids to think his behavior is appropriate. My oldest son is 14 and he has seen him drink most of his life. I am constantly thinking about the what if if he starts drinking again and it drives me mad...Going to a meeting tonight...need some guidance.
If he really wants to know what the problem is you could tell him. Most alcoholics who say "You met me like this so what's the problem?" are really telling you. "You should not complain, shut up and let me do what I want." He is going to AA presumably because he knows he has a problem so what's with the defensive attitude? Also, if he thinks he is such a "high functioning drunk" well then he should have no problem quitting then right...lol. Wrong. The "high functioning" label is a misnomer. I would bet my life that he is as typical a drunk as anyone else that goes to AA. Please don't feul him or buy that BS about being "high functioning." A drunk is a drunk. As far as you going to meetings. Good for you! That anxious feeling about "what if?" is not unusual. Alanon will at least get you to the point of being spiritually connected and connected to other people so that you know you will be okay no matter what.
As I was writing that I started to realize as much as he thinks he is functional (aka goes to work, pays bills, goes to the kids functions first then drinks) really does sound funny. He has an illness that he must come to grips with, just like I need to focus on my sanity. One day at a time today, because I can easily go into the would have's, could have's and should have's right now.
It usually means goes to work and pays bills and is not a total useless vagabond. Even at my worst, I had a job and paid bills. I was a very sick drunk though.
I think relationships are supposed to evolve aren't they. I do know the whole issue of promises really feeds me into frustration. As far as I am concerned, marriage is about a promise to do better and to be a "couple" rather than in bondage to another.
I know well what it is like to focus on another person. The irony is in al anon we stop all that. We start to simply focus on ourselves. How can we make our life better. How can we stop obsessing and worrying about the alcoholic. All my life I felt the other person was the problem and they were the ones who needed to change. I did indeed change in al anon I acquired boundaries, limits and more. I learned to assert myself. I learned what I could change and what I could not change.
I found a great resource in the book Getting them Sober. I also found resource in the program working the steps, looking for a sponsor, being willing. I found the being willing part pretty tough.
Aloha B...I've heard the term "high functioning" many times and the last time I was told that was from a woman now living her own in a make shift rental with her life in pieces all around her feet. I told her that what I was seeing didn't describe high functioning and then she got it. If the wife and family is in disarray the alcoholic isn't high functioning in anyway. Often times it isn't about looking at the alcoholic at all and those people who are affected by the disease also. Learned that in Al-Anon mostly and other places too. Go thru the Al-Anon literature table at your meeting and see if they have "As we understood" which is a great read of ESH from lots of the world membership and came out of the World Convention in Canada.
I've got one and I just love to read their expressions of recovery. The most you can do is for your self healing. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
