The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the week leading up to Christmas one of my neighbors died very suddenly. He was an active drug user but most of all he did not take care of himself.
His antics, making noise, having people over at all times of the day and night affected me. I was also affected by his "begging" for stuff like food (because he spent all his money on drugs) and chaos. I had got to the point of detachment that I did not feed him, give him drinks and really gave him very little attention at all.
What I think is so characteristic of addiction is that the person who was with when he died (an addict) made up some story about it.
Then the people who are around him all the time (the co addicts) and the "friends" all made up stories too.
The addicts were really content to make up all kinds of stories of the events leading up to his death, the way he died (which is really unknown but presumably the coroner knows).
Guess what none of them included his addiction! None of them mentioned on any level his rampant drug use.
Another neighbor had commented to me in the week before he died that this man did not look at all well. By then I was so detached I didn't look to confirm his observations. I was at a place where I knew there was nothing I could do and that I needed to protect myself from his constant self destruction.
What I have learned from this are issues that I raved and raged about when I lived with an addict.
1. Addicts lie about absolutely everything even things that are totally concrete (like someone dying).
2. They live, eat and sleep denial. I know I have had my levels of denial but after this incident I am absolutely convinced many addicts live in another reality altogether.
3. There is no point arguing which reality is true. As far as they are concerned the stories they make up are the truth and anyone who contradicts that is out of touch.
4. The addicts prime existence is to protect their addiction at all costs. Anything that threatens that has to be twisted in some way in order to obliterate the fact they are literally killing themselves.
I can see all too clearly now behaviors with the ex A that used to really puzzle and confuse me. I can also see how he so carefully conscripted me into the task of keeping him supplied at all times no matter what (he was homeless and destitute but drugs were the principal issue for him always). I can also see that when I finally walked away he was as adept at recruiting other people to enable him as he was in manipulating me. I was dispensable the drugs were not.
The guy who was with the neighbor when he died made up some incredible story about his herculean efforts to get help. I really felt that he was traumatised by the experience. Recently he told me he went to his parole office and they threw him out the door for lying. Only then did I realise I will probably never know what actually happened but today thanks to the grace of al anon I do not need to know or sort out who was lying, who wasn't. What were the minute by minute details I do not know. I know that he was killed by his drug addiction whatever lies, distortions, stories everyone else wants to make up is up to them. This is probably the first time in a situation like this that I have not been obsessed with the details, the truth and overidentifed with some one elses story. I have my own story and I can live with that.
I am so grateful my people pleasing has been abated. I went to the wall so many times with people pleasing. I no longer do that. I work on setting boundaries day in day out and some days it is harder than others but there is never a day I would go back to being the people pleasing boundary less person I once was.
You have grown so much in the program. I am so happy to have been able to watch.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
