The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How can you help him? Tell him to call his sponsor. If he doesn't have one and isn't working the program, you have the choice to either accept his dry drunk rages or move on. Your question about "how can I help him?" is one that I think all of us have had. Look deeply inside yourself and if that question is really a masqueraded version of "How can I CHANGE him?", don't even bother because it's futile and pointless. He's a grown up and can do that himself.
P.S. - you slapped him....you are really glossing over that and putting it all on him. That's something you should pay attention to. Police could have and probably should have pressed charges on you.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 25th of December 2012 08:42:01 AM
Help.
My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic (sober 2 years), and doesn't get along with my parents. He attended family Christmas with me and all went well- he tries really hard. We have two dogs and have been together for a year. We recently lost our jobs (going out of business) and have had some issues. When I told my parents, he had a completely ridiculous anxiety attack that became family drama for several hours. It finally ceased, and this morning, he seemed ready to argue again. I resisted, but we did argue. I finally slapped him in desperation of bringing him to a sense of reality, but he raised his voice more and a woman called the police. No charges were pressed, I would not allow it. We live together, and after the drama cooled, I advised him to return home. He went, I stayed with my parents. My parents are now trying to refuse me to go back alone, but I love him and he is heartbroken by his behavior also. He goes to AA weekly, but clearly needs more. How can I fix this? Or get him help? He is kind but easily angered. No violent record. The dogs just further complicate things, but I just want to go home to him this Christmas. Please help.
First, a big hug ((((((((((((((((((Taylo))))))))))))))))))))))).
You will get through this rough time. Take a deep breath and know that this too shall pass. Christmas is a hard time for A's and their families. And you both jsut took a blow in losing your financial security.
In Al-Anon we refrain from giving direct advice. My solutions are not your solutions. We teach you to find your won solutions by using the tools of the program. Please read lots of posts, and find a face to face meeting asap. The support you find will be of great value.
As for fixing your Alcoholic... he is only 2 years sober and only going to one meeting a week. That may be part of the problem for him, but it is not your problem. Your solutions are not his, either. He has to decide what he needs to not only stay sober, but learn to live life on life's terms.
One comment about his anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks can be very serious. If your bf is truly having an attack, he may feel like he is having a heart attack, or cannot breathe and going to die. It is extremely frightening for the person having one. My mother and my husband have both suffered them, and I have ongoing anxiety issues with post traumatic stress. Please look into this with him. If he is having PTS or another anxiety issue, he needs help and treatment can be done without drugs. Treatment may make your lives much more sane.
I would hesitate to suggest that you go back home right away since you have both been escalating yourselves to violence, but only you can judge whether that is the right move for you.
Please take care of yourself and keep coming back here and to Al-Anon face to face meetings. It will work for you.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I appreciate all of the feedback. However I would like to address some issues raised...
Yes- I have been to F2F meetings many times before. I (was) waiting tables and attending school full time, so due to conflicts, have had trouble making it regularly.
Helping vs. changing - certainly I have pondered this one, and absolutely know I want to CHANGE nothing about him. I want to help him feel more positive about his life, which I feel can only be helped by a professional, not me. That is a hope for our relationship, as I do not want to eventually start a family with a "don't count on it, we may die tomorrow" sort of a stressful attitude. I naturally look forward, with joy, and it makes my heart ache that it stresses him out. Disclaimer* I do not pressure him about starting a family, that is simply an example. My only other request is that he works on learning how to argue while maintaining respect for me.
The slap. Never in my life have I slapped anyone. I attend Al-Anon in improving myself because I tend to play the doormat for everyone in my life. Definitely an improvement area. During the argument, he was ragingly driving, not looking at the road, his face in mine, speeding, and I was afraid. Given, slapping is inappropriate; but it was a moment of desperation. I love him very much and would never actually harm him out of a power kick. I even told the police that I slapped him, and that our relationship was not violent. We were both hysterical, and there was no consideration of domestic violence on my part; and when I demanded he not be charged with anything, they did not pursue such a path.
I do agree that I need to get to more F2F meetings, as he should attend more as well. We have more time since we are unemployed. It is simply a matter of what can I, and should I, do now. He is lonely, I have our dogs, and his 2 year celebration of sobriety is coming up at his AA meeting on Friday. I am 3 hours away and want to go home, against the will of my resistant parents, but should I make that 3 hour trip to be with him? He's agreed to counseling. I just feel overwhelmed and frightened by the whole situation.
AND also: yes, they were both absolutely panic attacks. He was shaking, yelling, flailing around, crying at times, and had difficultly breathing. I, too, see counselors for anxiety and depression, am medicated. I swear by it! It made a tremendous difference in my life.
I know this is weighing on you greatly. Being separated for your A is very difficult but certainly after an unresolved situation like you describe.
As an adult only you can decide when it is safe to return to a cohabitation with your A. While I know your parents are looking out for you, ultamatly you have to decide. I will say ( as I living with my parents now) I WISH I would have listened to them much much sooner. Sometime people outside our situation can view it much more objectively than we can because we are so emotionally invested in it.
Certainly get yourself in some meetings and in contact with your sponcer ( or get you a sponcer) it will be a great resource and lifeline for you. I know this is a difficult perdicament especially at the holidays!
PS if you feel yourself loosing controll ( or see him starting to loose it) in the future - walk away & talk a break. Violence is the worst possible thing to add to this already tumultuous situation. Both of you having moment to think, breathe and calm down will always benefit you & the relationship.
(( hugs))
I certainly had those kinds of issues with the ex A. He would do the dangerous driving stuff all the time. Basically what it came down to was that there is no negotiating that kind of behavior it has to be out of the question period. If anyone drove like that with me these days they would never drive again.
I know all about heated arguments, sometimes they can be productive, other times with people who don't have boundaries they can scare everyone around them.
I had two dogs with the ex A it was a big bonding exercise for a long time. The trouble was when we argued the dogs got really really upset. A couple of times (well more than that) they actually ran away from home because they were so freaked out by it. These days I do not allow any arguing or loud voices around my dogs. They have had enough to contend with.
Obviously your parents have a reason to be concerned. I know full well the draw back to a relationship that is so passionate with fights, reconciliations, intense conversations and totally unrealistic expectations. I felt I loved the ex A when in fact I loved the idea of being in love with him. I certainly cared and was concerned about his behavior but underneath that was a huge dependency on him and a conviction that I could somehow make it work. The trouble was I did not have a realistic attitude towards what it takes to make a relationship work on any level. First I had to start with me. What were my boundaries, my bottom lines. One of them was the driving. I really suffered over the exA's driving. He should really have got us killed so many times and that was part of his self destruction. I felt that I was the lynchpin that held him together when in fact I did not. I also railed and wept and raged about his driving.
Unfortunately someone doesn't give up that kind of parasuicidal behavior overnight. I am not sure what would keep you safe in the meantime but if your boyfriend is not willing he is not going to give up his dramatic interludes. The fact is you can refuse to be drawn into dramatic interludes but I don't know about you but they held something really tantalizing for me. They filled up a lot of space in my life. After all if he is trying to kill himself, arguing and creating scenes there is no room for anything else. That is why they call alcoholism the elephant in the living room. I am not sure where your boyfriend is in his sobriety. Certainly no sponsor would think that kind of behavior was okay.
As far as I am concerned Christmas is a huge slip issue for many alcoholics. The expectations are enormous. Going to visit family under any circumstances can be difficult. Put Christmas on top of that and you are really creating a lot of expectations that generally go unmet. The ex A was as dysfunctional, self absorbed, hell bent on using drugs at Christmas as he was any other day. Somehow I had some kind of obession for years that he was obligated to make my Christmas happy. Needless to say I viewed every Christmas a catastophe thereafter because he chose to be an addict. I chose to be a martyr but I didn't think there was much choice in the matter. Years ago one Christmas I had plans to treat myself to some great movies, my then boyfriend showed up and asked me to go to his family. I could not stick up for msyelf and say no. Indeed all I had to do was to not answer the door because I knew what was coming. I have spent years dealing with crisis, chaos and catastrophe at Christmas and hating them. There is no other time when an alcoholic is more likely to act out than at Christmas and over the New Year holiday. Their birthdays are probably another trying period. These days I do not engage in trying to make anyone happy but me and do not put my needs second.
Al anon can help you a lot to get a more realistic view of what a relationship can look like in recovery. Many people in al anon have relationships with those in recovery. They manage crises with diplomacy and tact and do not get drawn into a full blown catastrophe. They avert them. That takes practice, willingness and a ability to be really honest about what does and doesn't work for you.
Wow, I really appreciate the feedback. This is my first post ever - ha! His behavior sounds very, very similar to that. He is absolutely sober, but his rages have been completely irrational (other than this one, being angry at me as soon as we wake up, etc.) I feel like the obvious answer is to take some time for myself. I know he called his sponsor the day of the big blowout. It's just very difficult to figure out whether or not it would be best for me to move out for the time being, etc. I have had job offers elsewhere but I feel like considering those will be giving up on the relationship.
