The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
maybe some of you read my post a few days earlier... I had explored a new way of detaching by hanging up on my boyfriend when he said 'I'm drunk...' and had a more or less quiet sleep..at least more quiet than what had always followed my usual arguing with him endlessly in that state of mind, because I got worried always. I was still worried while hanging up, but not angry. So i thought i did good, for both of us..and yes most importantly for my own serenity.
Now he called today, because he is in a good mood again, he thinks he got past withdrawal syndrom again on his own, very proud of himself. Me I'm still confused and sad today, because I see myself not only detaching, but simply to exhausted to care anymore... When I'm like this I know I want to move on, and leave him, even if that's not what was in my mind when being with him. But I don't want this kind of life. Relationships are never easy all the time, i know that, especially also intercultural ones. But I don't think it is supposed to be that hard also. I don't know. I can't judge anymore. I am working my program, but i constantly get disrupted in my progress, it feels like setbacks. Now he tells me that he is shocked, that he discovered one big selfish side of me, because I didn't come the other night to rescue him in his misery. 'You left me alone and didn't care for my suffering'...really???? We sat together 2 das before that because I needed to talk to him about how i feel in this relationship and what I am struggling with....like adults do when one of the 2 is a bit uneasy. He is usually not so much available, and never wants to talk much about feelings anyway, but i asked him to please listen to what I had to say. Just listening seemed already like a huge effort to him. But he did and I talked...and after that I really felt a piece of hope hanging over us, that maybe we could do this.
But of course he then thought he had done something so huge and giving for me, that the other something bigger on his side came up, a drama, it's always a drama, which he chooses to happen it seems sometimes....just to have a more bigger issue than mine. It is like a competition, who has a harder and more pityful life than the other one. I'm so tired.anyway I was there when he came to me with all the load. all evening and all day after that. But than for 2 hours I had to join a work event...then he called his drinking buddies(those for who last time when they joined us on a table, he even stood up and left the table because he told them he could not sit next to them because they were drinking) and decided to get lost with them...but still calling me all evening to ask me to join. I didn't....
Today all the crap again 'you are the most selfish person I know, I hate foreigners, they are all so selfish, i would never let you sit in your own misery, we care, please learn to be human'!!!
I know myself, and I know my efforts, and i do mistakes sometimes, yes...like everybody...but what the hell is he accusing me of? What is the right thing to do? how does a person have to be to be caring and not over or underdoing it??? he managed to get me confused...i know the facts though, but it hurts to be that invisible!
Your not being selfish, but if you were ... It's about damm time! I have lived this crazy cycle you ate describing & I know the emotional roller Coaster all too well. They make no sense as you described - they are so sick & confussed they don't even realize how foolish the stories, arguments and such are.
I too am in the process of trying to detach from my Abf/finance after moving out 6 weeks ago.
You can't go wrong when your taking care of YOU. For so long we allow them to be front & center stage as we react & adjust & rescue each & every situation they create. You sound to be doing well at finding peace in not engaging him when hes altered, that's an excellent boundary you have set! Let it be about you right now, you deserve it. (( hugs )) I know it's hard, just focus on one day at a time... That's the only way I can manage right now, take care
Why have they got to do that? I was constantly confused and ended up never trusting my own thoughts. This is nothing more than manipulation. He wants to control you so he has worked hard. You did the right thing and he didn't like it. I can't believe I never recognized this when it was happening to me. So many years of this. He can't do this anymore and he tells me I've changed, I'm heartless and cold, and very selfish. Yes!!!!!!! I think I'm getting better. Keep it up.
"Today all the crap again 'you are the most selfish person I know, I hate foreigners, they are all so selfish, i would never let you sit in your own misery, we care, please learn to be human'!!!"
Translated means please go back to your old ways and allow me to continue in mine, plus take care of me and enable me.
NO .. it is not selfish to take care of your own needs. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself when it's very obvious you are emotionally spent because the reserve is empty. I try to really pay attention to HALT .. hungry, angry, loney, tired (and I add an extra T for hormonal). When I pay attention to MY needs I am better able to see what is and is not my part of whatever the situation is. I love the fact that you are trying something different even if it's out of desperation and you are spent. That is GREAT and you should applaud yourself for learning even if it's because you are spent to take a look at your own needs.
I don't know if you can get to a face to face meeting it would make you feel soooo much better. You are not alone. You are not being selfish. You are taking care of you!! That is important!!
What he is spewing is the disease talking .. it's angry that you have turned your back on the disease and are trying to work on you.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
"Today all the crap again 'you are the most selfish person I know, I hate foreigners, they are all so selfish, i would never let you sit in your own misery, we care, please learn to be human'!!!"
Translated means please go back to your old ways and allow me to continue in mine, plus take care of me and enable me. ------------------------------------------------------ I love this translation!!!!!
Let him know also that you are sitting in misery right now and what is he going to do about it? Is he going to keep on drinking with his buds and leave you? And to call you less than human?!!! That is beyond cruel. He really wants the old you back. So what are you going to do about it?
You are not selfish. You need to keep on thinking about yourself and your sleep and your needs.
I too Agree with the Translation... They will manipulate & do thier best to pull you right back down into their Darkness... No One can tell you what YOU Should do, but I Will say from my Experience, I Went with my Gut First, Heart Second... Because that LOVE was Used against me so many times...
Cunning & Baffling disease... As it states in the lit. but when we start to change, for them it causes "Fear" because we are no longer the doormat for them! the Catering slowly starts to stop, we get Happy, while they are still sittin in their ICK... and welp... They can either accept us were we are, or one of us has to make a choice of were we are headed!
This Disease SUCKS... to say the least, but this Program will & Can Restore you to Sanity, as long as you are Willing to Take care of YOU... and Continue to do so... You are WORTH IT, and a Little Line I Had to remember when I first got here was this...
"What OTHER People Think or Say about Me is NONE of My Business"... I Remind myself daily when I feel attacked... It does help for me.. Hope it does for you as well :)
Why have they got to do that? I was constantly confused and ended up never trusting my own thoughts. This is nothing more than manipulation. He wants to control you so he has worked hard. You did the right thing and he didn't like it. I can't believe I never recognized this when it was happening to me. So many years of this. He can't do this anymore and he tells me I've changed, I'm heartless and cold, and very selfish. Yes!!!!!!! I think I'm getting better. Keep it up.
Writing or journaling helps me to straighten out my thinking, clears up the toxic hang over of confusion, gets me in touch with my own voice, and finally with God's voice. The more I go deliberately in that direction, the more in tune I become and the more I trust my instincts. When I turn my focus away from obsessively trying to fix the relationship, and focus on healing myself, doing the next indicated thing, Good Orderly Decisions (GOD), the emotional pain and frustration disintegrates. When I blame anyone else, I give my power away. I am powerless over others, but when I work with self control as opposed to self reliance, care for and paddle my own canoe, those esteemable acts in and of themselves release me from the need of other's approval.
