The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I'm Holly. I am experiencing an extremely difficult time in my life right now. I have been married to my husband for one year (on 12/11, to be exact), and it's been an up and down journey for both of us. He has been in outpatient recovery treatment programs twice (prior to today), for his alcoholism over the past 20 years...and remained clean and sober for about 8 years since his last round of treatment...attended meetings nightly, 12-stepped it the whole way. Well, about a month before we were married last year, he confessed that he had been using meth and cocaine off and on...I love him dearly, and his confession scared me to death. He is on many prescription medications for a variety of conditions, (Wellbutrin, Xanex, Percocet, Methadone, and Ritalin), but his main disease is addiction. The past two or three months, he has run out of his Percocet and/or Xanex RX about a week early, and experiences terrible withdrawal. Well, four days ago, once again, he was out of the percocet and Xanex. He begged me to buy him some alcohol, to help him deaden or "get through" the worst of the withdrawal symptoms...he told me the withdrawal could kill him, and that I'd be helping him through this...so like an idiot, I caved. Little did I know that he'd be completely drunk for the past four days, and having some of the most erratic and bizarre behavior I've ever witnessed from him. Last evening, after consuming some vodka, he became verbally abusive to me (called me a host of HORRIBLE names anyone has ever called me)...I sat there on the edge of the bed crying as he mocked me. The next thing I know, he throws himself on me, grabs my by the hair, and begins to hit me, putting all of his weight on me, and screams profanities in my ear, and would not release me. I was absolutely terrified, and once I was free, grabbed my keys, and spent the night with my mother-in-law, who was wonderful to me. He called over there at about 5:00 a.m., demanding and crying that she bring him some wine or alcohol because he was withdrawing so severely...he told him that she was sorry, but she couldn't do that, and hung up on him. I came home later in the morning to find that he deficated on himself, had called an ambulance at some point during the night, and the paramedics told him he had delirium tremors, and that he was hyperventilating...he did not go with them to the hospital. He tells me he does not remember aggressing on me. I told him he had two choices...to either sit and rot in the bedroom and ride the alcohol withdrawal and med withdrawal, because I would NO LONGER provide the booze, and neither would his mother or sister, or he needed to check himself into treatment at the hospital, which he had been talking about for the past couple of days. He called immediately, a member of AA came and drove him to the ER, and he was then admitted to the detox program. At home I gathered some things for him, and stayed with him this afternoon. I went home, and I'm not allowed to visit, although I just phoned the nursing staff, and learned that his blood is now free from substances, including the alcohol.
I love him dearly. The person that violently turned on me last night was NOT my husband. I forgive him for that, because I know that if he were well, he would never have laid a finger on me. We have had numerous financial problems due to the meth and coke issues, which he fortunately has been clean from for 4 months. But substances are substances...and he was abusing the opiate and narcotic perscription medications, and then tried to self-medicate with alcohol...in 4 days, it completely changed him...I shudder to think of what may have happened in a couple of weeks, or even a month.
He's my life. He's a gifted and wonderful man, and he's highly educated in the AA program. He has relapsed...the guilt and shame from that alone was more than he could stand. He firmly believes in AA, and has lived by the program diligently until the past year and a half or so...
What do I do? I've never been to an al-anon meeting, although I think I may go to one this evening for the first time.
Hello Holly, Welcome. You have found the right place. Try your best to get to a meeting as soon as you can, they really do help. Read the literature. Take what you need from it and try to find a place of serenity to help you through the rough patches. I think I can safely say all our stories have similar threads in them somewhere. I believe the most common is how our loved ones can change into completely different people so quickly. Take care of yourself as best you can. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Jennifer
Yes, this is the place for you. If you can get to meetings, they realy are a safe place to say whatever you need to say,or just to be silent and feel among others who understand. You also might benefit, along with reading about our program, from checking out AA literature. What your husband is going through is nothing new to AA, you may find some information that can help you understand this disease.
One thing that I have learned here, that has helped me, is to understand that while I know it is a disease, and that he doesn't really WANT to be this way, that doesn't give him a 'get out of jail free' card. he is still responsible for what he does, drunk, high or sober, just as I am responsible for MY own actions.
... He is on many prescription medications for a variety of conditions, (Wellbutrin, Xanex, Percocet, Methadone, and Ritalin), but his main disease is addiction....
Sorry if I feel compelled to address this. If your husband is in recovery, who is prescribing Xanex, Percocet, and Methadone? From my limited knowledge, as a sober alcoholic, something does not sound right about an addict legitimately taking these for ANY condition.
Alanon sounds like a great idea for you. For your sake and his, please consult a doctor who specializes in addiction about these 'prescribed' drugs.
Welcome from a very hot Australia. Please keep posting here this place is loving, non judgemental, understanding and supportive whatever your situation. The first person you have to concentrate on now is you. We are here for you whenever you need us. Keep your chin up things can only get better from here. Luv Leo xx
Thank you all for your words of encouragement...it has helped me. And last evening I made it to my first al-anon meeting...there were only three other members there (being it Christmas Eve), but they were very helpful and understanding. They discussed with me the first Step, which is that I must become honest with myself...this alone may take some time for me to grasp. They also briefly talked about the 3 C's...fortunately, I have truly understood for a long time that I did not cause my husband's alcohol/substance addiction, that I can't control it, and that it cannot be cured. It is a chronic disease whose sole purpose is to kill my husband...and I am not so godly and powerful in my influence (and neither is my love) to be able to stop it...this much I know to be true, and it has helped greatly in tough times such as this.
Currently, he's still in the detox unit, and the nurse told me today over the phone that he will be recommended to the inpatient treatment tomorrow. I know this is not entirely how he wanted things to be, as he was talking last night to me about leaving the hospital and doing outpatient treatment (as this is what he's done in the past), but it seems that the staff in the detox unit feel that the nature of his issues with chemical dependency will be better addressed in an inpatient format...for this, I am also somewhat relieved.
I miss him terribly, and would love to have a normal Christmas, but as it is right now, I'm just trying to keep busy around here...cleaning, cooking, whatnot. I'm basically distracting myself from the reality of the situation. My stepson and I have agreed that we can do Christmas when he comes home, which is fine with me...I'd much rather he be included in the festivities, and I don't feel like "punishing" him by preceding to do it without him. The truth is, is I'm not remotely angry about the fact that he is in the hospital...it's a blessing, actually. He's lonely and sad, but things are happening just as they should be right now, and I need to accept that right along with him.
Anyway, this really can be a crappy time of year for a lot of people...but it can be a time for rebuilding things within yourself too. I'm just going to take it one day at a time.
