The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wish I could find answers. I wish I knew if the problem is alcholism or if we really just have a dysfunctional relationship. My recovering A broke up again with me this morning. This has happened 4 or 5 times over the last year. Every other time he later said he still loves me and wants to keep working at it. I stay. A year and half ago I moved myself and my 11 year old son in with the most refreshing man I had ever met. He was working a step program and was always sharing wonderful good feeling stories about AA meetings. He was spiritual, giving, loving, so open and he loved me and wanted to marry me, be there for my son. About a month after I moved in he started picking apart everything I did. All of a sudden I couldn't do anything right. From laundry to raising my son. Over time the intimacy stopped. Every day I asked what time he'd be home for dinner I made to feel like I was prying into his personal life. A year and half later, he doesnt share anything about AA with me. He doesnt look at me or hug me. All I get is constant sarcasm, nothing kind or compassionate. My 12 year old can do nothing right. I wish when I met this amazing person that was over a year sober, that someone would have told me alcholism is a disease that not only affects the person that has it, but that it speads to everyone around it. If I had been warned I would still be the confident, independant single mom that I was then. I would still have some self-esteem and not be sitting here wondering what the heck I did wrong over the last year and half. I would not have given my heart to someone that tells me AA is the most important thing in his life. I am broken and confused and so hurt.
twladybug, Your story hit a chord with me today. I am so sorry for your pain. The same thing happened to me a few weeks ago. I fell in love with a recovering Alcoholic and had a 3 1/2 yr relationship. He had 23 yrs sober and I thought his honesty about his progam was so refreshing and hopeful. I felt emotionally close to him but was always afraid to ask for more. That was my junk though after having an abusive marriage before this. My 1st husband died and I didn't date for 11 yrs! I was so afraid of choosing another nut case. So the recovering alcoholic really was the flip side of my husband. So open and fun. But there was always a bit of self centeredness that would bug me on and off. We never lived together but I think the same traits you describe would have surfaced.if we had chose to live together. He had 3 divorces and a few live in girlfiends that didn't work out. He told me all the details of how they did him wrong and I believed he was the victim. I know now that is never true .
Those in AA seem to have alot of control issues to deal with...I think losing control somehow threatens their sobriety. Alcoholism is a cruel disease that cannot be controlled or cured.
Well the end came when he had some physical issues and bad stuff happening with his alcoholic son. I think it rocked his recovery and he went back to his old familiar ways but did remain sober. He called late one nite to tell me he was seeong someone else (a biker chick from his AA group). I of course broke it off, but God it hurts so bad!!
I still feel heartbroken, ashamed and stupid.. and cry alot. I felt blind sided and it has rocked my self confidence. The thing that seems to help me is to go to face to face Al-Anon meetings and talk to my sponsor. It doesn't take all the sadness away of all those dreams I had of what could have been. What it has done is help repair my self esteem and feel some hope. Sometimes reaching out to others who are experiencing this same kind of awful pain helps somehow.
Ladybug.... Just remember. It isn't you. I know that is useless against the hurt you are feeling now, but with your HP you can feel more
Confident and accepting of how this is all playing out. I've been with my Abf/fiancé 28 months and moved in and out countless times due to the types of behavior you describe. So many people have tried to "show
Me the light" alongthe way and I just couldnt listen. It took my Abf choking me repeatedly to make me leave and stay away 6 weeks now. I still struggle with wanting to "go back" but I'm just as sick as him right now.
I'm so sorry that you are going thru this, I do know the pain all too well. Stay strong for yourself and your son. I lost my 14 yr old daughter during my chaotic life with my A & am just now trying to rebuild our relationship that was once a strong
Mother / daughter Bond.
((hugs)) to you, try some face2face alanon meeting of you can, you will feel better And be able to begin to heal & be strong again!
I just wanted to say thankyou for the replies. It does feel good to know that I am not alone. It has been a long, emotional day for me. I still have so many questions of where to go from here. What is my next step? He came home today, changed clothes and went out the door to a meeting, never saying a word to me. He causes all kinds of drama and hurt, and then keeps on going like nothing happened. When I asked what was going on, he said he wasnt ready to talk. He never is. I'm finally starting to realize it's not me. Its him not happy with himself. He used to tell me when he was drinking he was selfish and sarcastic and not very nice to women...well guess what he's learning...sober, he's still selfish, sarcastic and not nice to women! Thank you for the hugs and kind words. I'm holding on to faith, I know God has a plan.
