The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went ot a family counselor the other day. The first thing she wanted to talk about was my understanding of alcoholism and if I had any questions about it. Hell yeah! Why, with the alcohol in my family and the abuse I went through as a child am I able to drink then stop when I want to and not drink for months till I feel I want to and my wife cannot do the same? She explained to me some studies about the chemical makup of alcoholics and the endorphins that are produced when they drink. OK great that settled good with me. What she told me next gave me this feeling of enlightenment, and honesly a deep admiration and respect for my wife. THis is what she told me it is like for an alcoholic to stay sober:
" imagine being on a deserted island for a week with nothing to eat. just water to drink. then on the ocean breeze you smell that wondeful smell of a backyard BBQ. Your mouth waters you beguin to remember the taste and texture of a nice juicy steak or hamburger. But you cannot get to the BBQ cuz your on an island." that is the desire she has to drink. What got me and made me admire her is that she isn't on a deserted island. That BBQ/alcohol is at every gas station, grocery store and liqure store in town. Just a three minute stop for her to give in to that desire. I used to think like alot of people that alcoholics are weak willed individuals. Not any more. I honestly don't think I could or would hae the will power to have that deap of a desire for something and not give in to it everysingle day. So yeah she is only on her third day of sobriety (27 days was her highest). But honestly I respect her for every day. She takes it one day at a time and I take it one day at a time, and today is a good one.
__________________
IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT
I had to respond to this because I believe your intentions are so good and I also believe that compassion for the alcoholic is a good thing. HOWEVER, what you are describing is not how my sobriety has been. When I really surrendered and worked the program of AA as it was intended, when I fully surrendered in step 1, my HP lifted my obsession and I stopped having cravings for alcohol for the most part. What you are describing is a person stuck in active addiction and a person not working the program of AA as best they could. It's not some monumental daily fight. Early sobriety is hard but I would say the "not drinking" part was easy once I truly surrendered. The hard part was learning to live and changing my crazy behaviors. In terms of support, a person that is trying and is in AA but struggling generally only needs to hear "keep coming back and keep trying." She doesn't need you to understand the ins an outs to to be inside her head. You just take care of you.
Rellik, you seem to really want insight into your wife's disease. I think that is great and it is part of what makes you a very caring person, but more important than understanding her is understanding YOU. You don't need to feel her addiction, rationalize it, intellectualize it. Detachment is probably a better tool.
I respect your wife because she is a human being. She has a desire to stop drinking and is trying to some degree, but it's her recovery. You don't need to count her days. It would be much more useful to count your own calls to your sponsor, count your own number of alanon meetings, and count what step you are on.
I hope this comes across as caring because that is how I mean it.
Aloha Rellik and thanks for the post...great description of the alcoholic by your counselor...simple to understand and metaphorically right on. That really is what it is like...A compulsion of the mind...picture the sight and smell of the hamburger and the bar-b-que and the smoke and the conversations all around and remember the bun and condiments....hmmmmm what can be bad about that except while waiting for the hamburger you decided to have your 5th or 6th beer before getting up to get the burger and you trip over the picnic bench and while trying to keep your balance you fall over the barby and knock the condiment bottles to the ground and the briquettes all over the place. You get off the ground and have lost the desire for the burger.....hmmmm "no I'll just have another beer".
Of course I build it and I'm glad you have a counselor who sees the compulsion for what it really is. Give your wife a hug and pat on the back and tell her you respect how big a fight she is in and you'll get her a glass of ice water everytime she wants a drink. If she wants it neat...you'll leave out the ice.
This alcoholic cheers her on and asks his HP to keep checking in on you both. (((((hugs)))))
Thanx pink. I absolutly understand what your saying. And I know I need to work on myself in more ways than I know. I guess what this all meant for me was that while she is trying her program and mine, I needed a reason or understanding in order to not completly give up on her, our family and our love. Being able to respect her for her and not only see the disease was a very important step for me. When you look at someone you love and all you can see is the disease of addiction and nothing else, it was too hard for me to take. I couldn't understand what was so scewed up with me that I love this monster this mess of screwups. That was the first step I had to make in order to see with open eyes if we had a future together. I do not count her days. She tells me every morning after we do our meditation and everynight we talk about how our day went, applying our meditaiton and the sruggles we faced that day. I know everyone is so compeled with detachment, but I only use detachemnt from the disease and the addictive behavior not from my wife or our family. I have learned alot about my disease from some of her meditations that she has read to me and I think she also has learned from some of mine. Yet you did hit the nail on the head. She has not turned her will over to her HP. That is easy to see and she has told me many times that she doesn't know how or what that means. But that isn't my problem it's hers. I just respect the efforts and struggles she goes through everyday as an alcoholic. Not the disease but the woman who is struggleing with the disease.
Thank you so much Pinkchip
__________________
IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT
I think it is Wonderful that you have went to counsler & Seeked Advise, and a New Vision of the Disease... I Feel there is Enough Negative in this disease, that Focusing Solely on that will indeed Drive us Crazy (Or in my case Crazier!) :)
I too am an Alcoholic.. Two Years Sober this Past October, I Believe it is Differant for Every Alcoholic in how We view our challenges in this disease & how we decide to Overcome them! And For your Wife it may very well be as Doc Described... For Me... I Still have Cravings, but Mine have lessoned... I Still get those "Stinkin Thinkin" goin where I once thought... "Well, I'll Probabley Never go to another Dance, or another Party, cause it just wont be the same! and Maybe Just Maybe If I had ONE Drink it Really would just help Lighten me up!" And then My Program kicks in... And My Negative Talks turn in to Hope, and Courage, and the MORE Courage You can Give your Wife, wether thru Hugs, or Family Time, Or Just Telling Her How Beautiful She is In This Moment, Wether she is in Rags, or Dulled Up for a Night on the Town!
I Have Spokin To ALOT of Women that have Struggled In Alcoholism, Some with No Alcohol in their back rounds and some with nothing but! And for the Ones I have Spent Time with most of its the Same! We have NO Self Worth, No Self Esteem, and for me the Hardest Part was Really Trying to Give myself Perrmission to say! "I'm Worth it!"
Your Understanding & Commitment & Compassion for your Wife are ALL Wonderful things! And As You Work this Program, and Grow in your Own Journey, Chances Are you will Open the Chances for you both! I know the Blessing Al-Anon has Brought to my Family, and i Know the Blessings it continues to bring to my marriage... And its because of the Courage, Experiances, Hope, Struggles, & Triumphs that we All have... And Yet All Come together, in hopes of one day living... "Happy, Joyous & Free!" Not just of Our Addictions... But Also Of Our Past!
Thanks for Being here! And Sharing Your Journey...
Please Take what you like & Leave the Rest :) Friends In Recovery... Jozie
