The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here I am on a new day, grateful to be here. As I was replying to a post here I heard my front door open, and guess who came home thinking I would be gone for the most of the morning and afternoon. He had said he would call before coming by, but it is a small thing so I will let it go. He didn't want to stay because it would make him cry. He asked what I wanted, I said the same thing I have always said. For him to take care of his medical condition, honesty and a sense of some type of security. He does not want to be on medication, can't talk to me about himself, and seems resistant to counseling, especially with our last therapist. But would like to continue our relationship the way it is.
Although in our conversation I did hear one thing I took to heart, he says he can see this thing building inside me every few months. Where I lose my trust and fall back into habits of restraint from him. I agree and I know it makes things worse for him. I also know I do not get these feelings out of thin air, there is a mannerism, an attitude or more obvious a bottle or a lie that makes my gut tighten and all my instincts rise. Ta Da the cycle starts again.
My first thought is to sit here and talk about what he can do to make things better, but after all this time I guess I should know that isn't gonna make any difference. So here I sit feeling alright not great but alright, wondering just how much of this whole thing is my responsibilty, and where am I going wrong in following the steps. Maybe I should change my name to Confused Too. ~SIGH~
I am learning right along with you. I wonder how much to say or reveal of myself, where to draw the line. So when we doubt ourselves I think that the disease manipulating us somehow. What is our responsibility? Taking care of ourselves which can be difficult at times. I am confused alot of the time except when I consider the source - my A. I too want out of the cycle so when I start taking my A's inventory, I try to use I messages - like I am not going to call you today, or I am going to the store, do you want to go too. And we will make mistakes too and need to forgive ourselves.
My boyfriend uses his medical condition (brought on by his alcholism) to elicit sympathy from me. The issue is that he doesn't have that much sympathy for my own medical conditon(s). So I have started setting limits around his trying to manipulate me. I have tremendous sympathy and compassion for his medical issues. At the same time I have burned myself to a frizzle taking care of him and have to work just on taking care of me. I have put my savings everything into taking care of him this year and I have reached my limit.
Now I am just working on taking care of me. I have to do that or my own health will fail I know that, I have been there done that and I will not do it anymore.
Thank you for your reply. I read your post and thought about what I know are truths. Truths are nothing I did made him lie to me, if he was doing well in his progress he could tell me the truth whether I was angry or not and be OK with himself. I tend to believe that if he lies to me it is more because he wants to lie to himself half the time. I feel fairly certain that by asking him to leave the house for a while it will cause a relapse, but what I am trying to remember is that considering the missing dog's pain pills and the lie about money any relapse plan was alreay in place in soem dark corner of his mind long before I noticed these things. If it had not already been happening. Only time will tell, and I can be grateful I have this time to find a firm place to stand and something to hang on to if things get any rockier. I think all this rambling means thank you for reminding me that I am not that powerful and to be true to myself.
