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Ok, so last night the wife and I went to a Christmas party. We were invited by a friend of mine and there were a few people from my workout class there that I knew. The wife knew really no one. She had met the invitee twice before (who is a woman, not that it really matters). The wife originally really didn't want to go because she didn't know anyone there. I told her we would go for about an hour. Wife took a bottle of wine and a dish.
We get there and almost immediately when we walk in, wife asks the host's husband to open the bottle. The more she drinks, the more sociable she starts to get. I did pretty well at just letting her do her thing and I did mine. Pretty much most of the guests had left/were heading out and I asked if she was ready. I could tell she was drunk. I felt my anxiety start to get higher because I felt like maybe others might start to realize she was drunk. No one else there was, they all just drank socially. I drank ginger ale. I ended up getting her to leave and of course as we are walking to the car she is commenting what a great time she had, although she is not sure why I wanted to leave so quickly. I commented that most people where headed out the door or already left. On the way home she raved about she met some nice people, etc, etc. I asked her if she was drunk and she said yes. She asked if she had done something to embarass me. I replied no. My thoughts on this response were two-fold. One, your actions embarass you and have nothing to do with me (even though we all know it can be/is embarassing.) and two, if I say yes it leads down the path to an arguement and what is the point?
This morning she woke up and was super-sweet to me and several times came over to me, hugged me and thanked me for taking her to a great party last night. I had an ok time, mainly dampened by her intoxicated state.
Looking for some thoughts, etc on all this. Why was she so super-sweet this morning, given the fact that we were getting ready for work and a little out of character at this time of the morning, etc. She can be super sweet, just not on a Monday morning heading back to work. I handled this with the "middle of the road" response "Glad you had fun" and moved on to some other topic. This is the first time she has been drunk in a while. Normally she is the steady drinker but then again we haven't been to a party in a while.
I never have people over any more. I get too anxious not knowing how he will act or what he will do. I have a large home and had ppl over all the time until after he and I married. Really first three yrs together we still had ppl over that's how I learned not to. Since our six years together I have found we have no mutual friends. His friends don't like me because I don't do and act the way addicts and alcoholics act. Matter fact they don't hang with him much because they don't like me that much. My friends I lost dont understand why I'm still with "a loser that treats me this way" the friends I still have dont come around us as a couple. This has recently started to really bother me (very much) as I feel we live separate lives.
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
I just fielded a call from the wife, asking what were the plans this weekend she wanted to have this Xmas "Open House". I told her I was on call for work and I wasn't too keen on having one. She said, "You're not?" I replied, "No." Then I didn't bring it up again.
I know I did the right thing there but not sure if sh will bring it up again later and dig further on why. Don't know what I would do then.
My ah still asks why don't you invite my family or my friends over. He'll be cooking a huge amount or something. I just say because I never know how your gonna end up acting. He'll start the whole you can give me a lil credit etc and I just calmly repeat myself I never know how your gonna end up acting but ill bring my parents aplate if there's a lot leftover. I'm a calm broken record and if he even raises his voice I go take a bath, put gas in my car, find something to do.
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
be honest with her you have a right to share how your feeling and you don't have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. like sweetr says it doesnt have to be an argument its act not react if the conversations starts escalating walk away. just my opinion
In support
Simone
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
I have been there so many times and I feel for you. It took me 7 months of al-anon to tell her that she embarrased me when we were in public and she drank. It took another four months to realize that I was letting her embarrase me. I think your wife apreciates you not hounding or criticising her. I know mine did. When I started to treat her (not her disease) with respect she started to feel that I truly did still love her. When I strarted to say what I mean, mean what I say just not saying it mean, our arguments started to become conversations. That communication opened up a new era in our relationship that was shut off because of resentment and blame. This is my little analogy of how I saw my wife. When ever she drank or acted like an addict It would immediatly throw up a wall. This wall was of solid stone nothing could get through, and you couldn't see through it either. Nothing on the other side of the wall existed. Now when these things take place there still is a wall, but now it's more like a dirty glass wall. If I look past the dirt and grime I can see my wife and I know I love her. I am detached from the disease but I still have my connection to my wife because I choose to see past the dirt and grime to her. It is very comforting to both of us for me to hate and resent her disease, just no longer hate and resent her.
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IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT
