The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to my first alanon meeting 2 nights ago and it felt great. At times I feel the recovering alocholic I live with sucks the life right out of me. I start the day in a great mood, feeling good. Then the constant sarcasm and unemotional conversations drain me. Why is it that nothing I do is right? Every question I ask, I am made to feel like it was a stupid question. Is this RA characteristics, or just the person I love being a jerk?
Aloha Ladybug and one moment...the answer to that question isn't so much in what you know than in what you learn to do. Al-Anon is about both and mostly behavior modification. While we become aware in our heads what is going on in the disease we learn in behavior how to arrive at a much better solution for it for ourselves. Also when we change they adapt some. One of the simple Anagrams to what you are reacting to is QTIP...Quit Taking It Personally. What he is doing often doesn't have anything to do with you because it is a consequence of the disease manifesting itself in him. The disease of alcoholism takes so very much out of its victims including personal and social growth that they resort to the behaviors you are talking about...frustration, anger, comfusion, and in a word un-sane behavior...and that is what they do...at times. The better question for me isn't "what is she doing" rather it is "what am I gonna do with myself now, today, later on etc. My early sponsor gave me a huge slogan that you can have for free..."Don't react". I too use to behave without thinking and would join in on her rants in defense when it wasn't about me at all. "Don't React" taught me not to start or jump into the war that wasn't there...It taught me to stop...think...decide the part that I wanted and then "Respond". I practiced, practiced, practiced until I got think and then respond if necessary down to my current behavior which also works in all situations...not perfectly but much better than I use to do it. Learning to snip the wires between my "buttons" and my reactions was a mind set so that when she pressed...nothing happened.
Good for you and your attendance in face to face groups. The program changed my life and I am soooo grateful. Keep coming back to MIP. (((((hugs)))))
I think it is not an either or question. You described some characteristics of a person in early recovery AND someone being a jerk also. The two are not mutually exclusive. A person can be a jerk also without being a recovering alcoholic. I dated someone once for an entire year that treated me like that and he wasn't even an alcoholic. It took a lot of pain and wishing he would change before I suddenly realized that was just the person he was. Not Mr. Right sadly. I had to free him back to the pool of wounded jerky men for someone else to catch. If being around someone makes me feel like crap repeatedly - I gotta move on. It's just been too many relationships and too much lost time being miserable waiting for the other person to "get it" or to change. Nope. This time, it's either working or not. Not going to allow myself to be treated like dirt in the hopes that the other person learns not to or has some magical epiphany. Been there done that. WAY too many times.
Granted - I have some patience and tolerance, I just try not to let folks tread too much on me. My former life as a doormat was unappealing. I also look at relationships as "fun time." My relationship with my partner is what I do with my spare time and it's meant to be fun. Just my view, but we spend too much time working (and others raising children which is a ton of work) to then have crappy and unappealing relationships. I don't advocate rash break ups, but boundaries for how you want to be treated are good. Trying to get on the same page with your partner is good. If it doesn't work after repeatedly trying, I personally would no longer commit to a life of suffering for someone else.
Keep the focus on recovering you. Get into Alanon and things will gradually become clearer and clearer. It is not about you; it is about the disease of alcoholism.
