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I have read 4-5 recommended books and I find helpful interesting things that apply to me in each of them.
My question however. Is when my husband comes home and starts drinking a couple beers. I'm not sure how to handle it. Or can I just ignore that behaviour. Going to another room or leaving causes huge fights over why am I being a butt not wanting to be around him ?? He's only a jerk part of the time when drinking but its slowly killing him weather he can be nice that night or not. I don't confront or say anything about it. But if I want to stay in living room and be with my kiddos while he has a drink is that wrong?
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Always a tough one, but here is what worked for me...
When she was sober (easier said than done at the time), I sat down with my A and clearly laid out my boundary. I knew I couldn't make her stop drinking, but I could have a boundary, where I had nothing to do with it, and that included not being in the same room with her when she was drinking... She accepted this, and (at the time) agreed to only drink downstairs, etc.... That worked for me, and I think you have EVERY right to the same thing - you don't have to just 'grin and bear it' if he chooses to drink.... One of the "consequences" of his choices can be that you won't be spending time with him when he is drinking...
Hope that helps
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks Tom ... It helps when its just us... but my lil one gets upset and doesnt understand why we arent all in the same room. I explain as well as I can for his age.. but when his dads bein "nice" and havin a beer he doesnt understand. When and if he gets mean, he just begs me not to be mad at daddy ... he tries to be "the fixer" which makes it harder. So when my sons around I say nothing and pretend I dont care until I can think of something to busy myself and or child with.
"boudaries" and "consequences" are things Im teaching my son, but my AH just ignores any of it !! He knows I dont go on vacations etc weekends away with him anymore becasue of consequences... it bothers him but not enough to get help ... its the daily thing Im working on.. He is very much in denial unless he's being sorry after an episode.. I am getting better, but small everyday stuff Im not sure how to handle.
One day at a time !!
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
That's a tough one with the kid sweeetr, I'm not sure what I would do in that situation, either. Working through the day to day stuff is the hardest part. I try so hard to be "fair" with my A, but he is sick in the mind and soul, and I have to remind myself of that quite frequently to help me to understand his actions. It has been my experience that the A is very insecure, my own to the point of being paranoid about me "stepping out" on him, but I have to just remind myself that his "perceived reality" is skewed. I am not currently seeing my A, had to for my own sanity. He is also an ex-husband. If you want to read more about my current similar struggle, I just posted another comment on my thread "Trying to Live up to an Ideal". Good luck to you on your journey.
Overcome
-- Edited by Overcome on Sunday 16th of December 2012 01:30:18 PM
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I think for me it depends on the situation and what's going on. I can practice my program while understanding that different circumstances will present and I just adjust myself accordingly. My children will tell you they had no idea there was any issues until they saw us actually have a fight in the hospital ER room this past year.
Tom, has a good suggestion and you know your situation best and what will work and most importantly what is safe for you and your kids.
The thing with my kids and boundaries and my STBAX NOT participating in them (still doesn't), they totally get that it's different when they are with me as compared with him. The kids never saw him drinking because a hard boundary for me was no drinking around the kids. That being said .. I'm currently divorcing .. soooo I'm not sorry or in the middle of would have, could have, should have feeling behind it. It just is what it is and at that point the kids had been through enough and they had MANY memories of their drunk dad.
I did have to decide at what point I was trying to control and what was meant for me. Those boundaries have changed the hard boundary of no drinking when he's with the kids has not changed. Honestly I don't care what he does when he's not with them, .. it's when he has them that my concern comes into play.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
the cover page in our "How Al-Anon Works" book begins with "a word to those confronted with physical violence." I am not suggesting there is violence in your home, but I want to point out that the few paragraphs under that heading remind us that our first responsibility is to ourselves and our children. I know this is a difficult context when we are so accustomed to providing comfort to our alcoholics first--then others--then ourselves...
there's also a page in another al-anon book that talks about flight instructions given on airplanes--when they advise "in case of emergency"--that parents put on their own emergency equipment first, and then assist their kids. we can better help others when we are helped first... i know this is a hard for us, especially as mothers, but it makes sense.
give it some thought. see if this concept can be helpful to your own situation.
