After reading "cinders" post yesterday on Struggling with attempting to have no contact, I have done a lot of introspection on my own life and why it has been so hard for me to not answer my ex's phone calls, emails, and other attempts to contact me in the past. A little background on me first: the ex-AH that I am going to be referring to here, was my fourth husband and a dry drunk for most of our three year marriage. It is also the fourth in a long line of "alcoholic marriages/family situations". This alcoholic left me the day before Valentine's Day, in 2009, because my daughter (by husband #3), who was then 12, asked him to. I had been asking him to leave for months prior to that. I filed for divorce in June, our divorce was final on August 25th, 2009. I filed an Order of Protection on November 9, 2009 after he "let" himself into my home in October when I wasn't here, to return a Bible (as a sign) that he didn't need God anymore, after a short "reuniting" that ended in a break-up. I filed the Order of Protection with that as one of the reasons (breaking and entering). He showed up at trial and told the Judge and everyone there (after being TOLD not to have any contact with me), that "He loved me." Judge responded by saying, "Well, she doesn't love you... so leave her alone."

This really "got" to me, because the fact of the matter was I DID still love him, I just knew that he wasn't good for me, and I couldnt' say anything, just had to stand there and watch that statement break his heart. Well, shortly after this I got into a relationship with a very nice guy and our relationship developed over time to after a year and a half he was asking me to marry him (which would have been my fifth marriage, if your keeping track! lol), but it scared me. First because I didn't know if I really loved him or not, and second because I was not used to being treated so nice. So I made one of the biggest mistakes in my life and broke up with "nice guy" to go back to ex-AH #4. There's a long story that goes along with how that happened, but I won't bore you with it here. Just suffice it to say, I couldn't say no to ex-AH #4, yet again.

So we have been together for another year and 10 months. Same guy, same behaviors. He hasn't changed. He still isn't drinking, but all the "ism's" that existed before are still there, in triplicate! To add to the abuse that was already going on... degrading, manipulation, mind games, he has added a few new ones... like 'punishing' me for not telling him that I loved him in court that day, by not saying those 3 words since. I have tried for a year and 10 months to re-establish something that never existed in the first place... trust, on either side. What I am left with (since I broke up with him for the upteenth time last Thursday) is this question: Why? Why am I trying to restore this relationship, why do I care what he thinks (he certainly doesn't care what I think), why do I think I still love him? (especially in the face of no evidence that it is returned).

I'm sure that a lot of you ol' Timer's are polishing up your "fourth step" responses, but I've been there done that. I too, am an Ol'Timer... and there-in lies the problem. I think somehow I have to "live up to an Ideal" for the newbie. I've been in this program for 20+ years, I should know better! I hear myself telling myself. But the problem is I am being too hard on myself, as I always have been. What is it we tell the "newbie"? Progress Not Perfection? Easy Does It? Your not God, so your not going to be perfect? The very fact that I am trying to "live up to an Ideal" was the problem... I wasn't being honest with you, therefore I coudn't be honest with myself. I made excuses for his behavior, once again. I told myself I can "work my program and Live and Let Live". Which I did... but to what expense? My expense? I had lost all respect for myself as a person, because I was allowing him to emotionally abuse me and all the while acting like "I had all the answers". Well guess what? I don't have the answers, all I have is my experience, strength and hope to share with you; and I had quit doing the one thing that this program tells us to do... be honest. Well, I'm getting honest here, today, on this board and earlier today in the Meeting. I have asked accountablity of a few of my closest friends, and I'm checking in with you too. I will report my progress on this board daily, to hold myself accountable.

Thanks for listening.

Overcome

Ok, no trying to live up to an ideal today... but here's the honest truth for my accountablity report: he called today like I expected, and I did answer the phone, but for one reason only...I answered the phone call this morning to tell him the doctor had said that I was fine, that it was just a mild case of vaginitis and had given me medication for it.  The original argument a week ago was over a "female problem" I was having and he accused me of "being with someone else" as the means of contracting it, and I hadn't been 'with anyone else'. Well, I had told him that we could no longer see each other "unless" he were willing to get counseling, because this trust issue had been an ongoing problem for us during the marriage and also the last year and a half, and I really felt like it was a deeper seated issue of trust that he had for other reasons, that didn't involve me. I also had to reiterate several times that I would "be" with him 'in that way' unless he agreed to counseling. He eventually agreed to this, and I agreed to allow him to come over (no sex) and do some of the "chores" that I had asked for help with.

He spent three hours here today helping me fix my daughter's window so that it closes properly for the winter, cleaned out my garage enough that I can get my car in it for the winter now, and we spent a significant amount of time looking for my lost Smart phone. (unfortunately we didn't find it). I did have to re-estabish my boundaries several times on the "no sex" till counseling thing, but I perservered. I feel like I'm blackmailing him! LOL Well, we will take this One Day at a Time as well and see how it goes. I told him I would have to wait until after the first of the year to make the counseling appointment, as I don't have the money right now with Christmas and all. I am also planning on asking him to pay half of it, to demonstate to me that he is serious about making this relationship work. We will both be paying out-of-pocket as we don't have insurance, but we are going to the same counselor that we saw during marriage counseling, so she knows our background.

More updates to follow.

Overcome