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I really need help in the area of detactment...I seem to do well for a while, but then my AH starts bugging me and I fall into the trap of "reacting" to him again.
Last night he was angry and yelling at the kids, and what makes him angrier is when I correct him in front of the kids which I often do, because I think he is abusive verbally and also he spanks them for the smallest things, which I try to tell him different ways of parenting. I'm not perfect myself, in fact I've picked up much of his anger of which I really dislike--when I unload on my kids--no matter what they are doing they don't deserve it--so I'm trying to do better. I'm really making an effort to change.
When he screams at them or threatens to do something (this is very common--an example is the two of them playing behind the Christmas tree--they did break a few ornaments and would not listen when he said to get out from behind the tree, so he threatened to get the chainsaw out and cut down the tree. He actually brought it out and turned it on and they were crying their heads off. It was scary of course). I usually stand up to him and it results in a stand off with him saying the kids don't respect him because I always say he is wrong in front of them and he leaves to get a beer). The kids do "play" us quite well, my AH has some of the meanest stares, and he can just stare at DD and she will cry and come to me and this makes him angry. Well what does he expect when he treats them like that? Sure, I know that sometimes they are misbehaving or not listening, but I want to teach them gently and it is impossible to do in a chaotic alcoholic household. I worry every day the damage it is doing to them....and to me.
My AH cheated on me this summer and is also a pathological liar. He still denies all of it. I'm not sure anymore if this is only when he drinks. The lying has become so extreme that I can't believe almost anything he says, even if he said he bought a shirt for $10, it would actually be $20. He takes the ATM card and spends, spends, I take the card away and then a few days later give it back to him because he complains he needs it for gas. He is unemployed right now and stays home with our youngest. She watches TV most of the day while he is on facebook. I hate this. I have kicked him out for a day or so at a time, and then given in when he says he will go back to AA, but I know I can't change him. I know this, but it is so hard with the kids here. So hard, they are so precious. So last night after he started ranting and raving, I took them upstairs (even though I had a ton of things to do) and I played with them for an hour, brushed their teeth and put them to bed. This may sound like a usual routine, but not in our house. Our kids never learned to sleep on their own, I think we made them too insecure. So I have to lay down with both of them until they fall asleep. I told AH to go down stairs and enjoy himself, have a beer, etc., he had the night off from having to put them to bed. He got angry about this, too. When he is not drinking for a few days, everything is much better and he is calmer with the kids. The other night he said he wanted to go to AA again (he decides to go about 1 or 2 a month, then drinks immediately afterwards) because he noticed we got along better when he wasn't drinking! Ding! But then he came home and drank after the meeting and said he mainly went there to find out about a car he wanted to buy from a guy in AA. I think he went to see his girlfriend, or the person he cheated on me with, who he denies.
I have tried setting boundaries with the kids, with me, and I have even tried to say that he cannot live in the house if he decides to keep drinking. He is a real charmer and says he can't do it without me and he will stop, goes to a few meetings in town, and then things are back to the way they were. At Thanksgiving, he went for three days without a drop and told me he was so depressed and that he felt he had "nothing" and he was "lost." I told him that he still had me and the kids, and that he had almost lost us, too.
I would just like examples of when you all have "detached" and it worked for you and you felt better. I know that going upstairs and playing with my kids felt really good, but then he came up and started complaining about the noise they were making and how the noise was bothering him and telling them to stop playing (loud noises seem to bother active alcoholics a lot but their loud voices don't seem to bother them!). The kids cant win when he is around and in a bad mood, if they watch TV, then he is sick of "SpongeBob" and if they turn off the TV and play, they make too much noise and he comes upstairs and threatens them. I hate it. I guess I am just not ready to move out yet. I'm getting there, but in the meantime, would love to see examples of detachment from you that worked for you or worked for your A spouse.
Love, Minaret
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 11th of December 2012 03:31:20 PM
.....but I don't know if I could EVER have gotten through this on my own.
Let me just say, first off, I hate this 'xxxx' disease. I sooo identify with your kids, it's no wonder we grow up so neurotic.
The absolute best way I detach is to go to an al-anon meeting. when I'm there, I sit connected with others who are struggling with the same stuff and I also get to hear The Solution. which helped me to know what "sanity" even looked like. which eventually helped my children to know what it looked like. this is a family disease that goes on genaration after generation.
You don't mention meetings, my friend, and I do hope you do it for yourself. you are worth the effort. to me, that is loving detachment. it's loving yourself FIRST, that is how it had to work for me, no more putting his needs before mine.
you are right, you cannot change him. but you can change, you can call the police the next time he brings in the effing chainsaw. No one deserves that terror or emotional abuse!!
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 11th of December 2012 05:19:02 PM
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 12th of December 2012 12:02:39 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Loving detachment works every time It keeps me sane and centered on myself. Alanon has taught me to examine my motives before taking actions. I must remember that the tool of detachment is there to help me focus on myself and my needs and my healthy responses.
I am so sorry you cannot find a meeting. If you cry every time you attend, that is a sure sign that you have been seriously affected by this disease. If all else fails the on- line meetings here and open chat could give you the support and connection you so deserve
Keep on showing up
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 11th of December 2012 05:52:31 PM
Your situation sounds sooooo much like mine. I too am struggling with the detachment. I just don't know how when I have emotionally invested half my life with my AH. (((Hugs))) Enjoy the time with the children. I feel my children are the only thing keeping me sane at this point. And besides that...my relationships with them are getting stronger and stronger as the days go on (believe me it's tough with the teenagers). One day at a time we will all get through this.
I've made a lot of excuses not to go to meetings....I live in a small town and there are tons of AA meetings, but only one alanon meeting that meets once a week at night and often I work too late to get to it. So I have gone, but infrequently, a few times a year, not enough to get to know anyone, and I haven't gotten strong. I realize that all the time. I have to force myself. It's just not my favorite place to go because I know all my emotions are going to spill out and I'm going to feel depressed for a few days, and it's hard for me to go to work feeling this way. I guess this is how the alcoholic feels when he is trying to get sober for the first few days.
I just cry and cry while I am there. The only other meeting is during the day at noon, and I happened upon that one a few times when I was off from work (it is a half hour from my work and my supervisor would frown upon me going). She is strict about computer usage at work and often I even have to sneak a word in or two on here when no one is looking. I hate having to hide. There is no time at home, and often chaos, until the kids are in bed.
I'm going to try and figure out some way to get to more meetings, I just know it won't be every week. And I am desperate for some support on this issue, since I recent lost two friends who didn't want to hear me babble on about my AH anymore. Depressing, but I have to move on. All I have right now are the kids. Not even my family understands.
Thank you for your positive statements once again. Just wondering if anyone had a recent incident where they detached and it worked for them or for the alcoholic?
My heart just goes out to you, my friend. I remember for months and months, all I did was cry at meetings too. I will tell you what they told me, it's okay to let the poison come out, it's gotta come out, or it will continue to make us sick. it is the process by which we begin to heal.
vomit it all up on us, "babble" on and on and on, I look forward to it. this fellowship understands because we have been there ourselves.
it's going to be okay (((big hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Minaret, your story and mine sound so similar. My AH yelled and screamed. I would defend the kids and he would say I did not support him or standby him when it came to the kids. The night he told me wanted a divorce, it all started because one of the daughters asked me if she could have a pop tart. I said yes, he walked in and said he had told her no because he wanted them for work. She agreed that he had told her no, he was already drunk by this point and got angry about it all. I told him to calm down and not to yell about it, that it was just a pop tart and if he wanted some for work I would buy him a few more boxes the next day. My husband asked me for a divorce not 10 mins after that. He cited that I never supported him or backed him up when it came to the kids. Its all yelling and anger all the time.
We were most successful in keeping detached when I had a very honest conversation with him about not wanting to be around him when he was drinking. This conversation took place while he was sober and I asked that he remain in his office while drinking. He agreed to do it and I left him in there alone to get his drunk on. After a while he would come out and start up with everyone all over again, I would remind him that we chose to not be around him when he was drinking and he would be back in his office again.
Now, living in our own home with out him, is much more peaceful. I struggle with not having contact with him and knowing my marriage is over but at least there is no more yelling.
The situation is extra complicated because of the kids here. However much you practiced loving detachment, him getting out the chainsaw and turning it on would still terrify the kids. Frankly it terrifies me just to read about it. I don't know if he has ever shown signs of violence, but your story worries me very much. Even if he did not get anything with the chain saw this time, merely being exposed to that danger will be hard on them. And a drunk man with a chainsaw -- I shudder to think of the accidents or worse that could happen. I hope you will do your utmost to protect your kids and comfort their fears. They are the ones who have no choices here. Hugs.
Minaret, LOVING DETACHMENT doesn't make as much sense to me as DETACHMENT AT ALL COSTS. I, too, am worried for your safety. Please know that Al-anon does NOT tolerate physical abuse.
When I told the fellowship that my alcoholic husband nearly hit me with the riding lawn mower, they told me to keep a bag packed and to locate a local women's shelter in the event that I needed it....
I strongly suggest that you do the same. You need a "safe place" for you and your children. The disease is progressive, and when I began to pull away from my husband, he stepped up his efforts to scare the crap out of me which was his way of controlling me. it worked well for years. eventually, though, I had become just a shell of a person and began to shut down.
Higher power always gives us what we need. it's our job to ASK for the help.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Minaret...Al-Anon is about healing from the alcoholism affect on the family and you're living in chaos. I'm reading your post and calling 911 for you and have scheduled him for family court and Alternatives to Violence (running chainsaw ...really?!!). That is the insanity of alcoholism and it is going on because it is all about him...self-centered to the max. Of course I'm talking from my experiences which are not yours. You have got a chemically altered man for a husband and the picture is not rational. Of course I suggest face to face meetings like the other old timers here...as fast as you can and when you are there ask if someone would consider starting another meeting you can get to and participate in. You can also go to open AA meetings and sit and listen with a wide open mind.
I'm a "double" ...a member of Al-Anon and AA...my AA person is saying get safe quickly or the next time I drink.....
Keep coming back to MIP as you can...as often as you can we are in support. (((((hugs)))))
My exAH broke my laptop in front of our children, put is head through a glass window in our garage and then woke me up out of of a dead sleep in the middle of the night screaming at me in gibberish and I could tell he was in a blackout and wasn't there. It just kept getting worse and worse and I knew one day we would be a family in the news, because he had guns in the house and he would do some pretty scary stuff. I decided to stop subjecting myself and my kids to this and I have never regretted it. I grew up in aa similar home with abuse and have victimization issues because of it. My 14 year old remembers well the chaos and crisis, but it was my normal. Al-anon meetings can help you if you would make yourself and these meetings a priority. Your children and you deserve a safe home to live in. I am sorry you are living in this crisis mode. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I cried at first at my meetings. For me it was a mix of relief, hope and a bit of self pity. I think it's part of the process that we let ourselves feel to get through to the next stage of recovery.
Minaret...just reading your post brought back so much anxiety for me. My abf doesnt live with the family due to violence towards me. Before I found you all I didnt even know I could have boundries. Loving detachment....mmm for me that was impossible when the alcoholic was drinking, he would follow me from one room to another, and shout louder, when you have children around you are always keeping the peace, can't tell you how many times i had to leave the house because he was getting more and more angry (just winding himself up more and more). Loving detachment for me was something i could not practise with an active alcoholic living in the family home.
3 months later for me i cant beleive how much better my life is, I still love him dearly but I dont have to have the drink around, he stays over alot, I get the best of both worlds, sober boyfriend, calm, happy home and if i feel uncomfortable i am able to not have him around. Because of the programme I am calmer, i live more in the moment so because im not worrying about how much the boyfriend has drunk how will he be will he start....etc I can enjoy my son and family time.
You were so honest about how your kids have been the brunt of both of your anger, my friend I too have been so hard on my kids because of the insanity of the family disease and its not nice. You have to think hard about how you want to live, and I honestly think that if you dont or just cant see a way out at the moment, a situation/crisis will take away any choice and you will be moved into action. Please take care of you and your little ones. Much love and support to you. For me the only way i could have healthy boundries was when my abf moved out of the home, he had to go to court for assulting me, i thank god he didnt hurt me too bad and my son was asleep. For me I knew it would happen and that would be the only way I would change and you know I thank god for what happened it was the only way I would take some control back and say enough is enough, I hit my rock bottom. I hope you find your answers soon, and in a safer way than I did. Please have faith you deserve better and your higher power wants you to have better.
Godbless my friend. In support and recovery.
Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
