The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Alcoholism is a progressive cunning and powerful disease over which we are powerless. The attitude you describe, blaming, judging, criticizing, anger are all part of the symptoms of this disease. Living with the illness we too become infected and need our own program of recovery. We stop taking care of ourselves and focus all our attention on the alcoholic in an effort to stop, control or understand the behavior.
Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who have lived with this disease and understand as few others can.
Breaking the isolation caused by this disease is essential. I do suggest that you check out Face to Face meetings in your community and attend. Here I learned to Live One Day at a Time, Making the Focus of my life the taking care of my needs and keeping the focus off the alcoholic.
Keep coming here as well and sharing the journey
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 10th of December 2012 08:53:49 AM
Husband has been drinking heavy almost every night for a couple weeks with maybe a two day break in there. He did something stupid in front of twenty year old daughter and her boyfriend last night, I was not in the room. He embarrassed them. He is on Prozac so he gets drunk fast. He twists things around that are said to be more than it was.
I told him I had asked him to slow down if he is not going to stop a few weeks ago. Make it short, it turned into he is a grown ass man and I am home and can not dictate what he can do or not do. All morning this morning slamming doors, mumbling to himself then comes to the laundry room door and tells me I need to figure out what I am going to do. I said what do you mean. Then he went on that he is grown and I will not dictate to him what he can and can not do because he is a grown ass man. I told him I seriously do not know what it is I am suppose to decide to do. Not sure if he is speaking of divorce or not.
He flat out told me he will not quit, he quit smoking and I am trying to take it all away from him. He quit the cigerettes on his own. He stated he likes drinking too much. Explained it is not just based on his behavior he is going to be 50 and killing himself. We have a special needs daughter that I would like him to stick around to help me take care of.
Feel like I have stepped back twenty years in this relationship, do not understand what it doing on in this phase of the illness can someone help me understand. And of course every flaw, therapy which is to deal with him and try several meds for depression over the last few months which did not work. He says I am the one that is crazy because of these doc appointments and he can not take anymore of my crazy stuff. Well, he has always had free reign, I always wanted peace in the house and he comes and goes as he pleases. I do not bitch at him, I am not a screamer. Right now he just got to work and called me and said he is done, we talked about this months ago. I need to figure out what I am going to do and he is staying at our camper at the river if anyone asks. He pretty much said I sit home due to our daughter and have a brand new car.........guess he is saying I should keep my mouth shut. Sorry, I am getting too old to deal with this mess. Grew up with alcoholics and kids are grown and I can really not take anymore. I actually think he is acting out of character, again is this part of the later phases .............wet brain?
Welcome, I hope you will consider going to a face to face meeting. It makes a big difference in support and understanding what choices I really do have. It's time to start taking care of you. There are no easy answers it is an individual decision.
I know when I did it made a huge difference in understanding what choices I actually had and people just being supportive and me finding out who I am.
Hugs P :)
PS - Keep coming back you are worth it.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
THank you so very much, for the post. I feel like he is spinning this all on my lap and everything is all my fault. I am thinking this part his personality and part the alcholism. Am I right? Do most never take the blame for anything? Years ago he used to make me think I was crazy just second guessing myself. Now that I am stronger and stand up to him, I think he feels he has lost control. Which I am not giving back to him.
Karren, alcoholic DO blame everything on everyone else. That is the nature of the disease. It takes everything. But in order for recovery to seem like a valid option, the alcoholic is often left with only the bottle at the end so then it becomes a little more obvious where all the problems are stemming from. Even then, many don't seek recovery.
It could be true that he's unhappy with his life or in the relationship. When I was actively drinking I also had legitimate feelings and things I was not happy with in my relationship and my life. Unfortunately, throwing alcohol on top of everything made it so I never got better regarding depression and I never could figure out constructive solutions to my problems.
I would also put off problems onto others and wish THEY would just act different. My ex was also an alcoholic and he wanted to end things about 5 billion times. Finally when I was like "Okay...I'm leaving.", that is when he begged me to stay and played like a sad victim who got abandoned.
It's not wet brain, it's just a sad alcoholic living in fear.
I used to sit up with him on the weekends and drink, that was to mask the pain I was feeling. At the time it felt like the only time we really bonded, like we were on the same level. I have chose to stop all of that and not drink with him, guess in my mind I thought if he seen I stopped he would.
Yes, he has a lot of insecurities and a messed up childhood. He was a very angry man that I was leaving a million times. But, the Prozac a year ago made him mellow when he wasn't drinking and we got a long great. Except for the nights he would drink, he is not a mean drunk. Just loud, stupid, stays on the phone, stumbles around, has fell downt he basement steps a few times. All this for me just to get more and more eaten up inside and thinking, how am I going to live the rest of my life like this? I feel I deserve so much more. Then he has always made me feel I am always thinking I run to where the grass is greener and I do not know what I have here and how well I have it made. I have been hearing this quite a bit lately. Don't understand why. He never feels appreciated, know matter how much I bowed down to him in the first decade, still wasn't enough.
Yeah everything was fine when I used to stay up and watch movies and drink too in the early years. Sounds familiar and I am sorry you are dealing with this. Al-anon local face to face meetings, al-anon literature, MIP and a sponsor sounds like something you should check out, it sure helped me. Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Well, he is home and went into the bedroom with mcdonalds said he is still mad. And then said he thought about it and the problem we had with our teenage son years ago must have been me. I am condescending and do not know how to talk to people. I said if I have a tone it is frustration on trying to reason with you when you are drunk. Why now is he pulling stuff out of the air? He is being so random. I don't think he knows why he is still mad from his drunk temper tantrum. Except I told him he drinks too much and needs to quit.
Insanity. This is where you picture them with Sick, Sick, Sick on their forehead when they talk. He is truly under the delusion that if he can make any kind of case at all, no matter how far reaching, that YOU have a problem, that means he has no problem. His ego is really that fragile and he is that sick. Truly, truly sick.
Whether you put up with this or not is up to you. Alanon will give you some tools to detach and then make decisions about the relationship. Dont' bother trying to reason with him or understand his drunken crazy thought patterns.
Thank you all for the replies, it has helped a lot today. It was scaring me that I was actually getting sucked into this all being me. Mad actually that I let him get in my head like that again. Hate that the face to face meetings are at 8PM. I am home all day and could go anytime without him questioning me about it. I will keep looking, I would think they would have one during the day somewhere. He really is sick. My daughter just messaged me and said he is getting bad in his mind with crazy thinking, and she and I need to figure it all out. Our special needs daughter and me needing to not work to take care of her, puts a twist on breaking away from all this. But, it has changed me living with him, to the point I really do not know myself. I am not the happy, hard to anger carefree girl I was before all this twenty years ago. I need to find her again.
The book Getting Them Sober (don't let the title fool you, it's about getting you back and allowing the addict to deal with their stuff) is a great read, Toby Rice Drew. It's really got good solid tools plus it's very alanon in terms of program talk. It's not Alanon lit however it's really good stuff about dealing with the A.
Hugs P :)
PS are you sure that's the only time you can go to a meeting? Even in my little town we have daytime meetings. There are all kinds of services for special needs as well. Please don't cut yourself off before exploring all of your options. I realize that it seems you don't have choices however you really do it's a matter of expanding your world. At least it was for me.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks, I believe I had that book at one time. I will look for it. I have been online and only came up with three in a 30 mile radius and they are all at that time. I am going to call and see.
Unfortunately I called around last year because I was done with it all. Doors shut in my face over and over. Unless he is beating the tar out of me there is nothing. There was a housing waiting list and that I had to be in school or working to even get on that list. Since I have to be home for our daughter because she is on a abbreviated day at school and 17 they offer no care for her. You know if I leave he is not going to do me any favors. Then summer there is no where for her to go at all. So...you see why I feel stuck. I am living in rural area of the south now, used to live up north where there were SO...many more resources. But, unfortunately those resources now all have waiting lists because there are more woman needing help.
In this state you have to live under a separate roof for a year before divorce, it is a huge circle of frustration. The staying because I feel trapped year after year has now just made me done. I need to fix me, I can go around with the rose colored glasses as usual and create a fantasy in my head that all is well. But, I don't know how much more of that I can perform. I should have an oscar by now.
He is not talking to me still, slammed the door going out to work this morning. It is all so crazy. It is like he is try to teach me a lesson. Still hate the drinking and do not want it in my life anymore, and that is not going on the back burner anymore. Interesting to see what the week brings. Wish I could be in his twisted mind for five minutes to see what is going on in there.
I do hear you. Please know that "Being in" his twisted mind "would not solve anything. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, spirit and body. The Second Step of the 12 Steps states:" Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to SANITY. We are dealing with insanity and expecting sane responses.
Alanon tools help us to keep the focus on our own minds and find solutions that work for us. Living one day at a time, reading alanon inspirational literature, keeping the focus on ourselves, really does work.Breaking the isolation is of the utmost importance. If you cannot make face to face meetings, please try our on-line meetings held here twice a day in the chat room. The chat room is also open 24/7 and it is here you can connect with others who truly understand.
Once you are in program awhile you will recover yourself enough to see new solutions to age old problems.
I will try the online meetings. Called the 800 number and was given the ladies number that heads the meeting here. She is not from this southern area either and they have even cut it from Tue and Thurs. at 8 PM to Tues. only. She said there is lack of response here and the only meeting that is at noon one day a week is over an hour away. So......online and this message board is where I will be.
Something I just thought of was Sunday morning when he woke he said he was mad at me because I was cheating on him in his dream. This happens every now and then and he actually has an attitude with me that same day. Then he blows up Sunday night. Just wanted to add that little tid bit into the insanity pile.
Hate waiting for him to come home, he has been leaving his phone home the last two days. Have not spoke still. Crazy I let him get to me like this. Waiting for the other shoe to drop I guess.
. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, spirit and body. The Second Step of the 12 Steps states:" Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to SANITY. We are dealing with insanity and expecting sane responses.