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My husband, who doesn't live with me and his daughters anymore, is on probation for 2 DWI's. He has repeatedly shown up drunk and i know he has even gone to work drunk. If I call the police on him (which I threatened to do last night because he got wasted while being responsible for our kids), what will happen to him? I do not WANT to be responsible for his losing his job, going to jail, etc...but this is not acceptable. I'm at a loss. I need to know my rights since we do not have a legal separation yet w/clear custody and visitation rules.
Call the police if he is a danger to self or others. The danger has to be clear and imminent though. It depends on the age of your children and how sober he needs to be to take care of them. It's not criminal to be drunk at home. He might get a child neglect charge on him if there is an infant there or he just leaves the house when he's supposed to be there. I think you first have to set the rule of no being around our kids without you being there. That is so so sad, but you wrote in your other post that you can't trust him alone with the kids and I think you are right on with that. So....after that, if he tries to come around the kids without you there, or take them places, you get the police involved. I might call his probation officer before the police.
Aloha Sookie...good to have you still with us...One of the questions you might ask also is "What is his part in it?" and then do the next right thing. He knows all of the slogans and sayings about driving drunk and such and he's already had 2 DUI's when he knew about not drinking and driving and much much more. You know what might happen and not what will happen and the phone call would be a risk...what your motivation is for making the call is as important as what could be the consequence for not making the call. In the end what I did was the right thing for me and how it came out was different from why I made the call. I've taught at many DUI classes and no one in the room would surprise you. There were people there (men and women) who were at their first class and some who where at the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th. I asked them to fill in the blanks on "Friends don't let friends drive ______" and "Don't ______ and drive" and they all got it right. Everyone knows now...there is no mystery answer and there are not mystery consequences. They know and they know that they know and true to the psychology of the disease of alcholism...they will take the risk...always take the risk which comes after the decision to drink first.
I had to weigh the consequences for me of my actions....If I did call I got consequences...If I didn't call I got consequences. My early sponsor taught me to choose the consequence first...and then do the action. Always with HP....Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I agree that calling his probation officer would probably get better results. The police just don't have that much authority over him. And I too had to set a boundary with my husband and child that he could not be around our son unless I was there. I knew I could not trust him. You are right that you do not want to be the instrument of him losing his job. If that is to happen, HP will take care of it. I would not intervene in his disease at all unless he is truly an immediate danger to himself or others. Otherwise he will not blame the alcohol for his trouble, he will just blame you.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Jen: I struggled with something similar. After much soul searching and tumy rning the issue over, I realized that should my children's father experience negative consequences, those consequences were his for acting with criminal behavior and an outcome that was not in my hands. Part of those consequences included my behaving as a responsible citizen and not his caretaker. I was sick for a week after I acted, but what I feared never happened and both of us grew.
I just went to the station Friday to get guidance. In my town they said to call. They will follow, observe and pull over IF he's making a traffic violation. In my town they won't just pull over on suspicion. Since he picks up our 12 year old before I get home from work - cant catch him then. Drops her in the evening at the end of the driveway and won't get out of his truck - can't catch him then. Don't find out about their eating at bars (she says he drinks there) until after its done - can't catch him then. I am at a loss as to how to catch him drinking and driving with our child because she tells me he does it but she's too afraid to refuse to get in the car with him. He's an angry person and we do not speak to each other because of it. The mediator said the state can't monitor alcohol use or abuse. That's how it's rolling for me...
I suggest a conversation with your local department for guidance to see what they say...
At this point I'm hoping to get a text from our daughter when they hit the bar so I can borrow a friends car, observe them leave and then call the police. I am a stickler for DUI as my father used to do it with me and it was scary. Plus my ex not only drinks in his work van all day...he smokes pot in it too. Enough is enough! Safety first. Like I said...there's a LOT of other craziness I let go...but this one for me is a safety issue and sticking point.
