Left Overs :/ - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Left Overs :/

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, this is a laugh at myself moment .. LOL .. it speaks volumes about how badly I allowed another person to treat me and now this is the norm for them. This is my part, now I'm asking for a change in this and it's been interesting to say the least.

As I have already shared I am having zero contact if it is not about the kids. They are old enough to state their needs and wants so I let them and I stay out of the fall out or at least I am working very hard to. I have had much peace since this past Monday and I am grateful for it.

STBAX has taken note and sees that I am so not playing about this issue. He really doesn't know me very well either and that is very sad. This is not a proud moment, however I lived with my s.dad (mom as well) and we did not speak for 2 years. It wasn't that I wouldn't speak, however good grief I'm not stupid I'm not going to carry on a conversation with someone who clearly doesn't want to talk to me .. LOL. Stubborn is as stubborn does without question. Point is I dont' live with this man if he thinks I can't go without contact he's barking up the wrong tree. I'm really not angry about it. So that's different as well for me this go around. I will do what is needed to communicate .. it's not going to be directly with him.

This weekend is his weekend and of course he's just dying to know where I am (please note said with sarcasm .. LOL .. I know not program imagine dry wit if necessary). I've been trying to have the kids stuff ready Thursday night so that they can go directly from school and I don't see them until Sunday afternoon. It's a lot less pressure for me I don't have to be anywhere and so on. The last time I did this I was out of town. Well, my daughter called and she's been in contact with me over the weekend and it's been hard on her I can tell. She's been very upset. Wants to stop by and drop things off their dad FINALLY followed through on. It's a blessing because we have other things to do and running around town buying shoes is not one of them .. LOL .. and I don't know what is up with the shoe stuff. Because of how emotional she has been over the past two days I figure ok come by, I got a feeling she needed a mom fix. So they do and bags of stuff comes in as well as left overs from lunch .. LOL. Now I've been up and about already, had a very large lunch and in fact that was pretty much dinner too.

After is all said and done the kids leave, my poor daughter puts her head back in the door about 3 min later and says ummm mom .. I'm laughing yes dear. Dad says the left overs are for you. Now I'm seriously stifflnig back laughter, and she's got the WTH look on her face and I'm just roaring inside my head with laughter. She rolls her eyes and I laugh harder at this point it is barking. So she leaves and seriously I howel. Poor baby probably was a little worried her mother had finally hit the edge however she even got some of it.

Now, this is not ha ha funny, it's ha ha completely ironic that these left overs are completely symoblic of our relationship. I am only worthy in his eyes of the left overs and very honestly I have to own my part in this because I allowed this to become fact in our relationship. I didn't say I was worth more, I didn't believe I was worth more. Now as I loaded the left overs into the trash, I'm not eating them and they were just going to go bad in the fridge all I could think is this how he still sees me? I am not even worthy of an entree in his eyes? I'm sure in his own little warped way he really thought he did something big and nice. I'm actually hoping that he actually has the nerve to say in court I was being difficult and wouldn't speak to him after all he gave me left overs and I didn't say thank you. I did not say thank you for the left overs as I didn't think that was appropriate whatever his motivation was for "giving" them to me .. I'm not going to thank someone for sloppy seconds .. LOL.

No .. this is not going to open up a line of communication as that is broken until after court. I will decide if I wish to engage him further and right now .. like I said I am soooo happy it's not even funny. It is so nice to just be focused on me. How do I feel? What do I want? Honestly he should be a little scared that I'm in this place if nothing else it dehumanizes him to me and he becomes an object not a person (I know really not good however kind of a gold plated issue when having to go to court).

The kids are def happier, it is harder on them in the same way. They have to be more responsible for information going to him. Ohhhh he tried to pull the I'm the parent on the eldest and got an earful .. her and I will have to have a little discussion later about that and I've made an appointment for her with her shrink. I just think this holiday is really difficult on her because this is the first year we won't be together as a unit and she doesn't want to go with her dad. That was the part that broke my heart right there .. she doesn't want to go with him.

Anyway, I completely digress .. soooo .. that's my sad little story .. I'm left overs .. booo hooo .. (snort, snicker). I do know I won't be left overs again because of you folks here and alanon. I am a very blessed lady. :)

Hugs P :)

one_moment · Veteran Member

Hugs for you P!!! The holidays are always stressful anytime. This year is just going to be a different kind of stressful or less stress however you want to look at it. I guess a positive is you at least know how your holidays will be going. I on the other hand have no clue. My AH has been staying with his parents due to all the crap he has caused here. My children are not permitted at his parents because his mom threatened my life when he was in rehab. The police put a no contact order on her. I think that was just amazing after being part of the family for 18 years. Oh well... life goes on. So as of this point I wrestle in my own mind with what will be best for myself and my children. I look forward to getting to where you are in the detachment. You knew and KNOW you are way better than his sloppy seconds... LOL. You should be proud of yourself... I know I am proud of you.

Zimmy · Senior Member

So pleased your in a better place, and could really relate in what you posted about your own lack of selfworth, and how you allowed yourself to be treated (not now though). Im just getting this and cant allow myself to be treated with no respect or make him the centre of everything.

Much love and support

Simone x

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am completely convinced that most A's do not and cannot think things out as a non A does. He will probably never know you.

All these reminders will make your resolve stronger. I have a feeling the kids will not want to go with him for much longer. That is sad,but as you say it is up to them. That is so healthy you have let that go.

It's always good to see you posting.

hugs,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs OM,

I watched this same family do this to the woman who pretty much raised them after 34 years if you can imagine have cut her out like a piece of cancer. NOTHING!! Not a word, not a I'm sorry, NOTHING!! I was absolutely horrified and this told me exactly what would happen to me after all it had only been 16 years and if the woman who raised them as her own was cut out after 34 years why would I be any different? It really isn't personal what I have seen it is how far the denial will go and the sickness that is in that family is soooo huge it's not even funny and we are talking generational. Of course I'm sure I'm the bad guy .. LOL .. never mind what he was out running around doing. I don't even care, I have detached from that family a LONG time ago after all this happened and I knew I would never set foot at that door again. The father doesn't even live in this country now .. and they still don't speak to her. That is the part I do not understand, and yes she had her part while they were divorcing she was in tremendous pain. Still .. WOW ... I go back to those years and think .. ohhh nooo .. that is so not ok.

So please do not take it personally it's how the disease in families works that denial is a powerful thing. When I can see how sick the behavior is all the way around (and trust me again I know I had my part as far as choosing not to be close to them, it was protection with good reason obviously).

Hugs Zimmy,

Today I am in a better place and I am storing this in my emotional savings account so when I feel less than ok I can draw from it.

Hugs P :)

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Deb,

You made me laugh with your comment in a very good way .. I hope that an A can't think like a non A only because what a messed up place the world would be because my best thinking got me here and his best thinking got him where he is .. for the moment he sees it as a much better place. It is still hard however each day it gets easier. I still get the flip and flops inside of my tummy that's ok .. becasue I'm doing things differently and that's the pull of my old behavior.

My son probably will for a bit .. he's having a difficult time seeing his sisters side of things. I do not want to bash his dad at the same time he needs to have some awareness that he's not seeing the bigger picture and needs to have some compassion for his sister as she struggles with her own feelings.

I do not see my daughter wanting to spend time there this summer or at least a lot of time.

Hugs P :)

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL .. so I want to expand on my little story .. it has been an interesting day and I still have to deal with him at my son's program. Obviously I feel a little anxious I have some great support coming so I'm ok with whatever.

So as the kids are being dropped off he actually stops the truck and parks .. WTH?! He's bringing all this stuff with him and I am looking at him with that whole WTH look on my face and then I had a good laugh to myself. He's trying to hand me an open box of cereal .. umm .. I didn't want his left overs and I certainly do NOT want more cereal in my cupboard I have enough thank you. He's behaving as if he is nervous and doesn't know what to do at this point. I just had a good laugh to myself and allowed him to stew a bit. I handed the cereal back to him and said what's this? Followed by no don't want it. Of course he has NOT fed the kids lunch thankfully I was already prepared for that and tonight it's taco soup which has already been made!!

He's starting to drill the kids again specifics going on in my life. I just roll my eyes and don't say anything. They are both like whatever dad you want to know ask mom.

It's now time to focus on me and what I need to do. Today we are going to get a Christmas tree and I need to find the ornaments and we are going to bake some cookies tonight so all and all it's a win win for us!! I plan on getting some firewood and enjoying a fire and getting them ready for the week.

Anyway, thanks for the support it's just been a draining past two weeks and I am glad to have the holidays to focus on.

Hugs P :)

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Isn't it interesting how much easier it makes our life when we learn not to expect healthy behavior from unhealthy people. I had such outlandish expectations of what others where capable of. I did not realize that this disease distorts their thinking. Just like it says in our Al-Anon Welcome anyone who lives with or loves an alcoholic will have their thinking become distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it. And because denial is such a powerful symptom there is no telling someone that they are being unreasonable. They, as we have, must come to that conclusion on their own.

Hugs to you Pushka. You are doing great.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Pushka)))) you see metaphors very well and use them nicely. For me a person has to be nicely sane in order to do that work. Thanks for bringing it here as it is very helpful. You're no longer living on left overs...you have taken over your life. How marvelous and soooo right. (((hugs))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.