The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's hard not to do the "wrong thing" in their eyes. The same old walking on eggshells. If he was really coming to spend time with the girls, it wouldn't make any difference whether or not you were seeing someone. Sounds like he wanted to be with you and was just using them as an excuse. Sad that he puts his needs above theirs but it's typical of an A.
-- Edited by WornOutMrsFixIt on Saturday 8th of December 2012 11:35:54 PM
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
He was coming into town tomorrow afternoon to do Christmas shopping and was going to stay at a local hotel and take the girls swimming. We talked on the phone and I even invited him over for lunch with us after we went to church, he said yes. Later conversation he said he wanted to hang out with me when I got done with work which is late at night the next night and I said it wasn't a good idea and that I was still dating the same guy. Things totally changed and he said I had mislead him and he thought that I wasn't dating him because I hadn't brought him up in awhile. I don't chat with him on the phone about anything other than his mothers health and our children, weird assumption. I said I sure hope he was coming to town to see our girls and that I have nothing to do with it. Now he is hurt and mad at me and not coming. Who pays the most for this is my girls. I am pissed! I was again going out of my way to give them time together and trying to make it enjoyable since he was finally coming our way and I didn't have to drive 2 hours his way. Now this, it's such bull.....ski. I am dumbfounded and think this is a new low. Such manipulation and I am just hurt and sad. I don't want to feel responsible for ruining this visit for my girls,, but had I stayed way back and not been so hospitable things praobably would have gone better. I hate the drama that comes with A's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I think Christmas time is about the toughest time out for family members. It promises so much and delivers so little. Sometimes it delivers only sadness and grief. For me the memories are fading into the distance. I have good memories too- of leaving a glass of beer out for Santa and seeing the glass empty. I aways knew and appreciated that it was Mrs Claus who left the glass out, and Mrs Claus who emptied it.
Mrs Claus is no longer with us, but I was given the gift of Alanon. I was able to chew up the anger and hate that dwelt within me. And i was able to show her the love and appreciation that she so richly deserved.
How many Christmasses was I able to draw on Alanon for support, and encouragement? How often was I able to experience family- both laughter and tears, and be able to enter into the true meaning of life itself.
Bf, I have enjoyed your support over the year. I was inspired with your sharing, and your courage! I hope your Christmas is joyful and happy. And remember your legacy to your kids. It does give them a better chance. I pray for you and your family...
You are only responsible for whatever part you need to own, outside of that he has his own decisions and choices he can make or not make that will be on him.
I'm dealing with a similar dance of some very grandious promises and very little follow through for the kids. They have been very disappointed over the past month and now just kind of roll their eyes when they hear the pie in the sky stuff.
That is so not on me, that is on my STBAX and this is HIS relationship with our children and I am working hard on staying on my side of the street. Who you are seeing my friend is none of his business just like who he's seeing and his personal business is not yours. (ok funny story on this and I am typing excatly what I need to hear .. LOL)
I know for me it's sooo hard not to take what he does personally when it hurts the kids and it feels like it is soooo about me. The reality is .. it's so not, it's about whatever ideas, thoughts, right or wrong that he has going on in his own head. That again is not on me .. I can't control what he thinks or doesn't think .. after all he's told me straight up .. he doesn't think like I do. (Thank you God!!)
Wishing you much peace, joy and serenity during these stressful times of split families as if the holidays aren't hard enough .. lol. You have such a wonderful program and I draw from your posts something each time. Maybe last night was one of those Pushka moments of throwing the program out of the second story window to go down to the wreckage (that's my drama not yours .. LOL) and reconstruct it, Could be some of it is outdated and you are in need of an update of what works and what doesn't especially during the holidays.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Sorry you are having this happen. An alcholic has very little clarity. That is something we strive for in recovery. Prior to that, we see everything through a selfish and self-seeking filter. As annoying as it is, until he works a dilligent program, that is pretty much what you can expect from him.
Hardware from the hardware store. It sucks that your kids (figuratively speaking) deserve bread and are getting hardware too. It would be nice if alcoholics could divorce their defects and be mature when it comes to their children, but they cannot suddenly develop emotional maturity without insight and work and where it did not exist before.
I know this scenario all too well and it sucks. I have let a LOT of resentment eat away at me as he blows off coming over when it's his time with the kids and then I try to let it go.
We, who stay and take care of the children, do not have this luxury. We are the ones who HAVE to put on a happy face and provide the love and make it a home, despite what we are feeling on the inside. I don't tell my kids when they will see him anymore because I am tired of letting them down. They are only 4 and 7 but the older one is very hurt and is always talking about missing him. It sucks because he is genuinely a loving father and I know what he is doing to them is killing him too. But yet he still chooses alcohol instead of recovery.
I just do my best to give them my best and feel loved. It comes back to me and we can be happy no matter what turmoil the A is creating by just being in the moment.
My alcoholic and I had an intense relationship...some good some bad much crazy and we got invested with each other...two sick people invested in each other and the insanity didn't arrest the fact that we often saw value in ourselves because the other was in our life so there was alot of sadness and trajedy when our marriage was unwinding no matter what was expected or who was blaming who for this or for that...It was all part of the insanity of the disease. What I learned in Al-Anon was to have unconditional compassion for both of us along with total acceptance. What was happening to us was what neither of us wanted yet so the disease of alcoholism had it come about. such a distructor. ((((hugs))))
I think Christmas time is about the toughest time out for family members. It promises so much and delivers so little. Sometimes it delivers only sadness and grief. For me the memories are fading into the distance. I have good memories too- of leaving a glass of beer out for Santa and seeing the glass empty. I aways knew and appreciated that it was Mrs Claus who left the glass out, and Mrs Claus who emptied it.
