The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all, hello and glad to have found all of you here, though, not glad that we even need this forum.
Here is my story.
I am 58 years old, married to a man who is a functioning alcoholic, for 37 years, was dating him for 1.5 years before we married. He drinks beer, in early days beer and heavy liquor, since his teens.
Went through all the crap all the years and stupidly put up with it. I have bugged him, for years to stop, for all the reasons you all have.
Finally, what came to a head was we found out that my husband was sending sexual messages to one of my daughter's (age 30) friends, on Facebook. She kept telling him to stop, but never blocked him or told us. I found it, long story. My daughter is beyond hurt, I am beyond hurt, and it's not that it was even about sex, since he is impotent. He lies, lies, lies, and you all know of this, I am sure.
Anyway, we had a mini intervention, where his brother came up from Va (we live in Pa), to confront him. We THOUGHT he was not drinking. He went (I assume), to his 2nd AA meeting, today. He is there now.
When I came home from my 2nd Al Anon meeting, last night, he seemed off. I did not get into it.
Today, I noticed on the living room, wood floor, a dried spill spot. I had just cleaned it, too. I lean down, and smell beer. I am livid, hurt, angry. I text him about it and say, "Please, the truth."
I search and find a hidden stash of beer, which I disposed of while he is gone.
I am only 2 weeks into Al Anon and I feel so lost. If I could leave today (he is not violent, so there is no fear), if I could. I work part time, taking care of my granddaughter and part time at night, only two weeks. I don't have enough money to leave him. We are both retired. He retired the year that my son died... from a DUI (not him drinking, someone else). I HATE alcohol!! It hurts eveyrone!!
I just want to crawl up and die right now. I have not set up a sponsor, yet, but I think I will need to do that.
There is so much more, but probably nothing that news to all of you. I am so angry with myself, too, for staying all of these years.
Welcome, my friend. You are not alone, we have all been there.
I am sooooo glad to read that you have found the meeting rooms. get their local meeting schedule and make as many as you can in a single week, I made one every day while I was in crisis. when I did that, I felt a great sense of detachment from what my husband was doing.
we can live peaceful and happy lives whether they are still drinking or not. al-anon teaches us how. (((Hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you, Glad Lee. I think that I will do that. I found a few, different ones. Also, should I get a sponsor?
He did come home and said that he is thinking of going to a counselor. I hope that he does. I told him that he has to forgive me, but I have heard his lies for so long, he has to understand that trust can't just happen, it will take a long time, if ever.
If you purchased any of our books at the meetings, check out the index and read what you can about Detachment, Step one, and Powerlessness. I will also make the suggestion, that whatever you want HIM to do regarding recovery, you do it too. It helped so much for me to take my alcoholics out from under the microscope and pick up the mirror because often, the al-anon will have become even sicker than the alcoholic.
Indeed, you will want a sponsor as you go along, my friend, because for me, I just couldn't make heads or tails out of this new way of thinking, lol. none of it came naturally for me. Sponsorship put me on the fast track. It will be such a beautiful gift and you deserve that. You have suffered enough.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I have heard in AA and alanon that it's good for couples to "be cordial" to each other but give each other space to work your programs separately. Glad Lee has given you great ESH. Not everyone in alanon is in pain. The folks that have been around a while have done lots of work and found solutions that work for them to have peace in their lives. Not everyone is in the thick of it. You are very early on in this and it's okay to feel pretty dejected. Seek out a person you relate to that seems to have found peace and serenity and that person would be a good sponsor for you.
Hi, Dancer in pain and welcome, sorry to hear your hurting like this, I know for me i found myself here when I was in pain and feeling pretty hopeless but thankgoodness for the gentle programme of al-anon and the fellowship it helps me immensly.
Please take care of you and know you have support here.
Simone
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
I have heard in AA and alanon that it's good for couples to "be cordial" to each other but give each other space to work your programs separately. Glad Lee has given you great ESH. Not everyone in alanon is in pain. The folks that have been around a while have done lots of work and found solutions that work for them to have peace in their lives. Not everyone is in the thick of it. You are very early on in this and it's okay to feel pretty dejected. Seek out a person you relate to that seems to have found peace and serenity and that person would be a good sponsor for you.
Thanks. That is what I plan on doing. It's good to just hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I do have to say, after hearing some stories, mine is NOT as bad as others, but dammit, I deserve peace, too. We lost our son 8.5 years ago and I did not drink for it, but then again, I cannot know his pain, but I know I can't use that as an excuse, either. Hearing from you, and the people at Al Anon, does help, and I just have to remember ODAT and Let Go and Let God. I intend to get there.
Aloha Dancer and welcome to the board. It is fortunate that you and your alcoholic have jump started your needs for change and then Dancer only gets to self focus...the"mirror" which Glad mentioned. Take your alcoholic and your husband both (two people one body) out from under the microscope. That cuts your work in half right away. You got literature...YAY!! and Glad has shown you one of the best ways of using it big points for you and ((((hugs)))) for you and Glad both. I've been around for a while in both programs myself and I've been a professional in the alcoholism/substance addiction field too. One of the first off things I did with my newbie clients was to get them to stop hurting themselves...stop hammering on yourself because you didn't have a clue and made mistakes...that doesn't work and it doesn't make the main pain lessen...it only increases the load. The disease and the alcoholic can give you more pain to deal with without you adding to it...sooooo stop it!! Give yourself hugs and put on earnest smiles and look straight up above you and whisper "thanks". Of course when you come to learn that a/your HP is standing right besides you, you can even save the looking up. No beating up on dancer...the explanation is in our first step "Admitted we were powerless..." Admit that and keep moving on. Keep coming back and good luck with the sponsor search...sponsors are angels and smart too!! (((((hugs)))))
Thanks, Jerry. Yes, I do have to not blame myself. It's not easy, but I am working on it. It's only been two weeks since we started this new journey, so I will allow myself slips, and not feel guilty. I have to allow myself the fact that I will have set backs, too. I have been through many challenges in my life so I am going to just say this is another one, put in my path, to make me remember my faith in God. After my first meeting, I started to look hard, at myself and my own ways and where I need to adjust my attitude. Yup, an old dog learning new tricks. I keep trying to remember to thank God, for each little forward step and ask for guidance for each step back. Having help, sure makes a difference. Hug and huge thanks.
Welcome, and you're in the right place...thank you for your honesty, and I'm so happy you found alanon for you...I am new again myself, been in and out of the program for thelast 11 yrs...found my way here 11 yrs ago when my alcoholic husband found recovery, fast forward now here for myself most important, but I have 2 kids in actvie addiction, and this feels so new to me again as well...I do know that when I keep coming back things get better and my life is manageable, I think I will stay..lol I have found such a sense of comfort and comradery here and in face to face meetings....I need to keep me first ,or like the old saying goes, if momma isn't well, ain't no one well!! thanks for sharing, keep coming back ;) Carla
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"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess."
Carla, I am sorry that you have to go through this, again. I love your quote. I have to remember that. I have had a couple of days of feeling really depressed. I feel like I need a punching bag.
