The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is the first time that I have visited or posted on a forum. In brief, my husband was a functioning alcoholic when we got together some 13 years ago and has had stints at AA which were initially very positive for us both. He started to have an issue about confidentiality and stopped going. He used to wander off for days,obviously get incapably drunk,have memory loss which played havoc with our relationship which, apart from this was pretty good. Although unbelievably unpleasant to see him in this state, he was never been violent, just smug, dismissive, sort of rude in a passive agressive way. He was completely sober for several years then has had several episodes of 'falling off the wagon' which started with trying to drink sensibly then always ended with some awful mishap or nearly losing his job which then results in sobriety again.
He hasn't done anything spectacularly damaging or hurtful for about 4 years but has in the last few months started to drink a bit again, I say a bit, as it has been limited to a couple of pints but it seems to just cause so much friction between us as it just opens up old wounds for me. He just doesn't want to talk about it and says 'its not a problem' or 'it's my problem'. I don't seem able to overide my instincts which tell me there is a problem, last time I mentioned it and tried to nicely instigate a friendly conversation about it, we barely spoke for 3 weeks as he was so dismissive which I found both hurtful and disrespective. I think that as it is practically the only aspect to our relationship that has caused us extended periods of serious grief and agro,that is is still a problem. I feel like the rug is about to be pulled from underneath me at any time and am frankly getting a bit tired of it all.
I wonder how I'm supposed to 'cut him some slack' when on past evidence it has always ended badly? I don't want to break up our marriage but am finding it hard to live like this, should I just be grateful that he is not being so catastrophic anymore?
Alcoholics drink. He is going to drink, regardless of what you will say or do until he decides on his own he doesn't want to drink. What are YOU going to do. It is hard to say what will happen. You just need to determine what you can live with.
Wait until he is completely sober. Then my suggestion os to tell him how you feel about his drinking but keep it short and with no expectation of a response from him. Tell him once, because anything past once is nagging. I was recently told that the only way you say something to the alcoholic more than once is if you think they physically didn't hear what you said. After saying it move on to something else (i.e. You wanna go grab something to eat? I'm headed to the grocery store, be back in a little while, etc, etc) I also highly recommend the book "Getting them Sober", which has helped countless people on here. Remember one day at a time. You don't have to decide anything today. Keep coming back. I can't tell you how much it has helped me.
The answer is that you don't have to cut him some slack. He wants you to, so he can keep drinking without any negative consequences. But you are under no requirement to be happy about that. However, I'd guess that all of us know that waiting to be happy in ourselves until our alcoholic stopped drinking means putting our serenity at someone else's disposal. It's important to take back your serenity. What that will look like requires some thought. I hope you can get to some face-to-face meetings. Also read the threads on here, and the literature that people are mentioning. I hope you'll keep coming back.
Aloha Captain and welcome to the board...Set MIP up on your favorites list on your face page and come back often. I totally relate to your post...not only what you said but how you said it because to some degree that is what and how I first reported in to the Al-Anon Family Groups. I didn't know anything about alcoholism and worse yet didn't know that I didn't know. It was okay because we all have to start somewhere in finding out. My second spouse was and alcoholic/addict...my first spouse was an addict and I've had more than several relationships with other alcoholics also. I was born and raised in the disease and so alcoholism was usual...natural for me even though I had no idea what it was..."a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body which can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence". (Al-Anon information).
How worried should you be? You're going to worry and worry a lot as long as you are left to your own devises which like alcoholism holds you addicted to him. Worrying is mostly thinking stuff while the program of Al-Anon is behaving stuff. We learn to "do" things other than worrying which is one of the characteristics of Fear. The more we worry...the more we worry and this resulted for me in insanity. I drove myself crazy with fear and worry and trying to figure the whole thing out by myself in myself with absolutely no information or anyone else to help me out. I did resist Al-Anon at first because I was too angry and spiteful and arrogant. I needed help and wouldn't let anyone else help me and those who did I drove off. I got led back to Al-Anon a second time and that time I just surrendered myself and reached out and asked for help. The hotline number for Al-Anon in your area is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call the number to find out where and when we get together in your area and then come as quickly as you can. This is about what you do...not what he is doing. This is about detaching from what he is doing and coming to find out what you must be doing to save your sanity and spirit.
Keep coming back to MIP also because there is a whole gang of Al-Anonners here to help also.
In haste as just about to go away for the weekend with AH... Thanks to all so far, I'm moved, scared, inspired by comments so far but above all, relieved to have found this message board and to have finally voiced my concerns. I have ordered the book and will be back soon. Thanks again for giving me some support and things to think about.
My AH always said to me, "why do you always act like you're waiting for something to happen?" and I answered, "I act like i am waiting for the other shoe to drop because it always does!". I lived in anxiety just waiting for the next thing.
When I finally got into AlAnon and really trusted the program and realized that I would be okay no matter what he decided to do..... that is when I finally started to feel better.
Try to immerse yourself in the program. It will help you trust yourself and your relationship with your higher power and you will feel better. Your life doesn't have to depend on his life. You WILL be okay. You will learn a new way to live.
