The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
but I have to say it's scary, because I used to believe in the good things I believed in true happiness, I also believed that it would be enough to love somebody with a true heart ... but in this disease I discovered also that no matter how much effort, love or hope I have in a day, it doesn't reach the one in front of me if he closes up in his own disillusional world. Addiction seeks to isolate people, to disappaoint people, shield them off from happiness...simply loving is never enough. Letting go is th eonly way out, but I feel scared, because if love is not enough, then what is...or is my love not righ, not good enough. It's like a bad spell...whenever i feel happy and feel like sharing it, my A makes me feel guilty and is just then not in the mood for happiness, he then simply ignores me. Whenever I feel down and hope for some support, i am not taken seriously and laughed at. I try not to react anymore, but seriously, the lonely feeling still lingers around...letting go...practice practice practice. oh please give me the strength to move in the right direction. I want to enjoy my happiness, there is so much of it inside!
You have the right to be happy regardless of what your A is doing or not. It's hard to allow someone to be where they are at and still love them anyway. If he's not happy, it doesn't matter what you do or don't do .. he has to have the willingness to find his own happiness. So in that regard .. no .. outside love is never enough. It has to be self love.
I like the analogy of the cup with the hole in it and there is an endless pitcher of water filling it up it will always be full however if that pitcher stops then the cup empties itself and there is never anything that will fill it beccause of the hole that is constantly letting everything out. If I try and fill someone else's cup then I will only drain myself and where does that leave me? Basically having my own hole to fill that unless I do that and I need to learn to give from my overflow instead of my reserve. I will feel tired, drained, unhappy and wondering what is wrong with me. I may have my faults however I am not someone else's HP, I gotta give it over and let go or be dragged.
Yes, it is scary to try new things when at least we know what the old things bring even if it is more pain it's a whole lot better than the unknown (that is the lie I tell myself at least way deep down).
You are right where you need to be and when you are ready for that next step you will take it.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Two TOTALLY different and distinct people... that is what I always tell myself. I have a wife, who is a great and wonderful person. Then, there is the alcoholic. These two have NOTHING in common. It's like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. Easier said then done and I need to practice what I preach more but I relay what CanadianGuy said to me. Look at them as if they had the words "SICK, SICK, SICK" tattooed on their forehead.
Share with us. We want to and some of us need to hear what you have to say. It helps to know that we are not alone in our own struggles. You can also share with your HP.
It is hard for me to remember addiction is an illness when I am not feeling safe.
When I know it's a sickness, I am less likely to take personally the sick person's behavior. I don't focus on his choices any more than I would wonder why a person in a wheelchair doesn't just run a marathon. My love has nothing to do with their behavior.
I hear you. Your love and joy are enough. HP has removed many destructive feelings from within you to enable you to experience the happiness that can be known in this world. Turning about and wanting to share this joy is a true gift of your soul. Share it and remember the alanon tool that suggests that we:"Take the action and Let Go of the result".
I tried for many years to "Make my husband happy" until I realized that he was "Happy" when he was "Unhappy"--just like my mom. I had to learn to share my joy without looking for them to feel the same and to QTIP( Quit taking it Personally. ) when they did not.
I learned that the empty feeling inside is that I had abandoned myself and was not inside taking care of myself--I have jumped out of myself, and tried to please others.
I also found that when I felt this empty feeling it was because I have abandoned myself and MY HP inside me and was so"other " focused that I could not feel my feelings.
Stay focused on yourself, trust HP and enjoy your good feelings.
reading your post reminded me of the saying trying to get emotional support from an alcoholic is like going to the hardware store for bread. It aint gonna happen! It doesnt mean they dont love us any less their just unable to support us because of the dis-ease they are suffering from. Thats why we have each other...lol
In support
Simone
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
I had to learn to give my love to those who do want it. I go into an elementary school every monday morning and "play". I actually give retests and let 2nd graders read to me, but for me it is playing. They love me for loving them. I had a 7th grader say to me last week, "you're nice".... and it brought tears to my eyes.
Give your love away to those who appreciate you. I like what Betty says, "I tried for many years to "Make my husband happy" until I realized that he was "Happy" when he was "Unhappy"--"....... That would be my hubby and his family. I stopped giving to them because it was driving me crazy.
I've been told many times that going to the alcoholic for love and support is like going to the hardware store looking for a loaf of bread.
Those are traits that the A simply is not capable of, and yet I know for me, I kept going back over and over and over again expecting that maybe today things would be different.
I learned through Al-Anon that while the A in my life might not have been capable of the emotions and qualities I was hoping for from him, that he did have other amazing qualities that I could count on. For the A in my life, it was things like laughter and adventure.
I started learning, though, that if I wanted love, I had to start with myself. And if I wanted to feel more love than what I was giving myself, there were lots of other people in my life who WERE capable of sharing it with me - most notably my Al-Anon friends.
But oooh, that loving myself thing is a biggie. I tell you, it has made a huge difference in my life to tell myself "I love you" and "Thank you" every single day, and MEAN it. When that self-love is there, I tend to look for it less and less from outside sources.
Recovery can feel like a threat to people who had gotten use to having you feel like you're in a one down position. Keep growing your serenity and happiness! There's a great reading in the book The Language of Letting Go on Feb 12th. If you have that book, it's the one about understanding that those on the other side of the bridge who aren't recovering, can only cross the bridge on their own but those of us who've crossed don't need to feel guilty.
"Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I am meant to be."
Keep coming back. Hugs. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 7th of December 2012 08:23:49 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
This is a wonderful post full of great thoughts. Tiredtonite--I just had to copy that quote down. For some many months I have said to my separated AH--"we need to move forward" over and over. He keeps asking "What do you mean by 'Forward' exactly" and I of course, I just mean ANY relief from this suffering for all of us. I have also had a dream that keeps coming back about trying to cross a narrow bridge with super high, gloomy water--and the car has a tire go off the road or something happens and I wind up going over the edge. This quote about the bridge means everything to me and I will use it! Thanks so much.
I get it all the time, the deep guilt when I have a good day or am happy. It is so sick...and I am working hard, too to let go of that.
I am feeling the same loneliness. I try to detach but find that is the most difficult part of the program for me. I am and have always been a person to love with my whole heart. If I detach from someone in my life it is completely and forever. I feel detaching from my AH is the most difficult task I have to endure. God grant me the strength to learn this skill with less of a permanent outcome! And I thank God I have found all of you.
