The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm brand new to the board. I don't have anyone to talk to. My husband is an alcoholic, but he is in denial. His way of thinking is that he doesn't drink every day, and he doesn't drink at home. Well, he drinks to get drunk. He can't just have a couple of beers. He drinks 12 or more. Recently, he was charged with a DUI. He had one in 2003, so this is his second in ten years. He has to go to six AA meetings in the next month. We have tons of attorney fees and costs with the county. He will also lose his license for 18 months. He is telling me that he is going to drive to work. I am completely against this because, if he gets caught, he will go to jail. I am trying to do my best to be a supportive wife. I love with with all that I am, and I went him to get better. I pray that something clicks for him as he attends these meetings. Financially, we are getting beaten up. I am trying my best to not be stressed. Please pray for me.
Please pray for my husband as he attends his first meeting tonight. I'm praying for his heart and his head to be open to what he hears. I pray that his defenses are down and he is vulnerable and open to the actuality of this disease. Please pray that changes start to happen. My prayers also are that I do and say the right things that help him make the changes he needs to make to become healthy. LOL I guess I'm asking for a lot of prayer. I know that God knows our needs.
Prayers are being said for your family . I pray that your husband keeps an open mind as he attends his meeting. I would also like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend.
We who live with this disease deserve a recovery program of our own Alanon meetings can be found by calling the main number in the white pages of your telephone directory
Thank you for the prayers Betty. I will be seeking out FTF meetings. The hardest part of all of this is that he doesn't want anyone to know about the DUI. He is so concerned that he would lose his job if anyone learned about it. Pride is a big part in what drives him. He has a huge heart and is always helping others, and he is so embarassed about the DUI. I just pray that he helps himself, and our family, by truly seeking to get the help he needs.
Welcome to the board Annie and I pray you keep coming back. AA is a powerful tool so that the practicing alcoholic as they desire to stop drinking can do it and stay sober and change. Whether he does accept the program and has the desire to stop drink or not Annie has got to go after her own sanity and serenity. I had to also and I found both in the face to face meeting rooms of the AFG. I come here and read alot also on a daily basis because on a daily basis my life before Al-Anon was all about alcoholism. (((hugs)))
I can basically share your story almost word for word only by the time my STBAX got his 3rd DUI 2 years ago. My experience has been whatever he does or doesn't do I really wish I had more alanon behind me before trying to deal with my own feelings. I was furious over the last DUI that was when I finally got to alanon. I still have twinges over the expense and resentments of a whole other sort. Mine drank exactly as you described in your post. After he left my daughter found bottles of vodka in the freezer and empty bottles of wine around the house, as well as beer and so on. I was devestated that my kids have had to deal with this .. although .. they are getting great tools in handling things for themselves. I am very proud of them. They can say things that I certainly did not and should have.
You already received rock solid ESH in finding meetings for you, for how you need to process your feelings and what you have been through. As far as it being a secret chances are it's not .. out here they will announce on the radio as well as print it in the paper soooo .. it's kind of hard to keep something a secret when everyone has read about it or heard about it on the radio. That is not your issue to deal with .. those are his feelings and natural consequences to handle.
Something I will share is that I was a bit odd in handling this I saw the DUI as ours and then second off I never saw the DUI as something other people would think badly about me or it would affect my children in a negative way this was way way way his stuff .. it wasn't MY DUI in that regard.
Keep coming back because Alanon is a program about you and if he chooses recovery AA will be about him.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
If he discloses a substance abuse problem, most employers are obligated to help/offer counseling. Secrets keep a person sick. I wouldn't run around saying anything to anyone but if his HR person at work needs to know...that is what HR is for. Everyone has problems. One thing that is common for alcoholics is to think they are terminally unique. This means that they think nobody has the same problems they do, if they did they would also drink like them, and that they have more challenges in front of them to recovery than other people. It takes a lot to man up (or woman up) and realize you are just a run of the mill drunk like everyone else in AA and that alcohol is kicking your butt the same way it did everyone else. AA is about ego deflation. I do pray that he gets it. I know how painful it is to walk around with that messed up thinking and behavior....
As for you, you seem to know what to do. You are headed to alanon. That is all you need to know right now. Just take the next right step. That is the best thing you can do for both you and him right now so congratulate yourself for your wisdom and for coming to the best solution possible (many folks don't ever seek out the help of alanon when they really can benefit).
Like Pushka and others alluded to - his drinking and his consequences are his. You will slowly start to detach and that will help you stay calm and focused. This is his disease. The more you cling to fear for him and fear of his disease, the less you focus on your capabilities, your blessings, your choices, and your life as a whole. While your marriage is important, you are more than your marriage, more than his drinking problem, and WAY more than his DUI. It's just part of his life and a part that affects you. It's not your whole life at all.
Thank you, to all of you, for your words of support. Yes, pride and ego go hand in hand. He is a former professional athlete, and his ego can be quite big at times. However, I think there is a hurt little boy inside of him that causes him to drink to the point of intoxication. We spoke before he left for the meeting, and I can say that his stance was still at the level of, "I'm doing this because it is required, not because I need it." So, all I can do is pray that God sends the right person, the right story, or some sort of intervention to make him accept the truth. I will be attending a FTF meeting soon. I'm looking for meetings for tomorrow night. I'm a little hesitant, at this point, to tell him my plans. This is something I feel I need to do for me. I'm afraid that he would try to deter me from going. Thank you for the prayers, hugs, and kind words. Hugs back to you all.
Maybe this will help... my hubby, after his DUI, was told by his brother (who was already in AA) to go to as many meetings as he could in AA because the judge that was going to sentence him would look at it as a positive thing. You may think it is manipulative to mention something like this to him, but on the other hand, it is true. It will look much better to the judge if he has lots of meetings under his belt.
I hate to split hairs, but you say your hubby drinks to get drunk. I say he drinks because once he has that first one, he can't quit until he's drunk. Before you cross over that point where you become an alcoholic you can drink 2 and quit, or drink 5 and quit. Once you cross over the line you NEED that next drink until you can't drink anymore. Every voice in your brain says you have to have a few more. You are only done when you are sleeping. That is the genetics of this disease.
And you have to take care of yourself. No more talk about him, him, him. Now you have to get busy with your life. He will have to figure out how to manage without a car. He can't just count on you. I was not in AlAnon when my hubby was at that point and I drove him around at the expense of myself. Did he appreciate my time? Without a doubt, NO. Things changed when I got in AlAnon and grew a backbone. I learned about what was mine and what was his. I learned my own side of the street. I learned my happiness didn't revolve around his happiness. I learned I had a responsibility to myself and my kids.
