The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night my AH called for the first time since I moved out of our home 3 weeks ago. While the conversation was very hard to have and there was more fighting than I wanted there to be, when the first thing he said to me was asking about the divorce papers rather than asking how I was doing, I knew that I had made the right decision. Hearing all of his blaming and refusal to accept responsibility really helped me to see where he was and to understand where I was. I found myself slipping back in to the same habits of before. The trying to convince him that he was not seeing things clearly and how his insistances were not even logical. After just 15 mins of that, I stopped and said I was not going to discuss it anymore, that I was not going to try to convince him or judge his motivations nor would I have a conversation where he accused or blamed others for his decisions. I asked that the conversation only be about what needed to be discussed or I was going to hang up. I found the strength to tell him no when he wanted to call back at another date to discuss things further. He kept wanting to bash me or my kids and I simply said until you go through your own recovery and learn how to treat me with respect and love, I don't want to hear from you. He was not pleased with me but I stood my ground. Felt pretty good. He just wants me to make everything easy for him and is mad that I won't cower and let him push me around. I was flabbergasted that he wants to divorce me but continue to have a relationship because he says a marriage is only paper and he does not believe in marriage. According to him, the only way we can move forward is to move backwards. I felt good standing my ground and saying that I could not agree to that kind of a life for myself, that I wanted and deserved better.
Today when my folks called to say that my grandmother had passed away early this morning, I knew I had grown stronger because I did not need him to help me get through it. I did ok and was content with my family. When my grandfather passed away 2 years ago, I was so heart broken when he refused to support me through it. Today, I did not need him or even feel like I wanted to call him. He was never close to my family, did not spend time with them or even know the names of my grandparents. He would not care about it or even be interested so it was pretty freeing to realize I ddi not need him to help me with this. Acknowleding that if I asked him to be there for me and expected it, I was only setting myself up for a let down was pretty freeing. It was like I finally saw that I don't need someone in my life that will only cause me stress.
I feel more peace today. I am glad that I feel that peace even during the loss of a loved one.
So sorry for the loss of your loved one. What a great place to be as you recover setting boundaries and taking care of you. I have heard a joke of sorts around the tables. If your having a bad day don't worry it will pass. If you are having a good day don't worry it will pass. It's going to ebb and flow. That is ok it's part of healing and moving forward. Hang on tight to that feeling of being ok because you can stick that in your emotional savings account and draw on it when things don't feel so right. I should say that has been my experience. Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My kids are helping me clean the house as I am hosting dinner for my father (it was his mother), stepmom and some of my sisters. First time in our new home and we are not even all unpacked. It feels wonderful to be planning for my family to be around me. When we moved they were all here helping, than life takes over and everyone is busy with what they got going on so have not seen them for a while. I was ok with it but love spending time with folks so am excited to get to do the hostess thing today. My AH hated people coming over and he would complain, hide in his office (all of a sudden had lots of work to do) or delay coming home. Today, I get to just spend time with them and not have to worry about how he will behave. Today I am grateful for that. Time with my family, when we need to be together. What a blessing.
It is always a sad time when someone leaves us but you made this family time a joyous time. Your grandma would be proud of you for making lemonade out of your lemons.
