I have been a reader of all the message board and decided it is time to share ESH and stop just being a receiver of all this support.

I just went through a breakup with my A BF after a 3 year relationship.

My story is my husband died 14 years ago and this was my 1st relationship after his death.  He is the father of my 3 children and was an abusive man; emotionally and sometimes physically.  I was the bread winner and he was occasionally able to contribute.  He had a brain injury 10 years into the marriage and the rage and abuse escalated.  I stuck through it though, as I could not see my way out and didn't want to be accused of abandoning him as an injured man.  I'm a nurse and have the curse of trying to care for it all, of course at the expense of my well being.

After his death I vowed to myself I would never get involved with a man again as I knew I could not be trusted to not repeat this awful story.  11 years after his death I somehow agreed to a date with a man, with whom we shared mutual friends.  He was 23 year sober and very involveed in AA and service work.  Imagine my admiration!  We hit it off and developed a relationship that I so enjoyed.  We never lived together; he has been married and divorced 3 times and several live-in relatoinships that never lasted.  I seemed to always want more but was too afraid to ask.  He was kind to me and our intimacy grew.  My friends thought we had a "wierd " relationship as it never followed the usual progress.  No over nights, but plenty of sex.  We both have A sons and shared alot about that.  I wanted us to get closer but was so afraid to say so.  In my mind I thought he would bolt.  We talked everyday and took our own separate trips ( we were used to doing before we met).  2 weeks ago he called me to say he was seeing someone. A woman who rode a Harley (like him) and was in his AA group.  I took the high road and said I would be sad and would miss him, but like the song says " I don't want nobody that don't want me".  He wants to keep in touch and stay friends but I told him no. that would be too hard for me.

The sadness is great and I still cry everyday.  I am focusing on the gifts of this relationship.

1. I can have a relationship and not get hurt everyday

2  I was capable of having sex again

3.  I learned so much about the disease of alcoholism that has helped me with my son

4. I found Al-Anon and even tonite after my meeting ,I am feeling so much better and courageous enough to write this story

5. My sponsor asked me to do a 1st Step on my powerlessness over him.  It Helps Alot!

6. I am closer to my HP than I was 3 years ago

There's my ESH, but thanks to Al-Anon it is mostly Hope