The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone I'm going to take this moment to get these thoughts out and relieve my painful heart.
I have experienced alcoholism in my life. I lost my adopted father when I was 13 yrs old to cirrhosis of the liver he was only 42. Then my brother who was my dads natural child has been suffering from it for years, and many stories involved in that struggle. So I'm no stranger to the story. But i have now come to another part of the alcoholic relationship one that i've become a part of. I started dating a guy many years ago it has always been a on again off again situation. I always seperated myself from him because he was very unreliable in every aspect of a dating relationship. Well in the last year in a half we have had a long distance relationship only seeing each other every other weekend but have grown closer than ever. And during this time the clear picture was seen. My dear friend that I love is a alcoholic. Through the ups and downs of thinking he was not very interested in me blowing me off to spend time in a bar confused me and alot of other bizarre behavior etc. I finally seen the reality he can never love me his love is for alcohol i really thought there was something wrong with me for awhile lol! I have never been in a relationship with someone who has had a addiction problem. So... to briefen this story up for you this is our relationship I am his lover, friend, babysitter and taxi driver. I don't yell at him or belittle him. The first time I said something to him was when he was sober and suffering the next day. And I told him You know alcohol is not your friend right? He agreed but said nothing more about it till weeks later when he was sober. And said to me you know what you said to me really made me think and you are very right alcohol is not my friend. He says he wants to quit and even plays games with himself like i'm not drinking till friday or I'm not drinking for a week. He says he wants to quit but doesn't want to dissapoint anyone if he doesn't follow through. He refuses to seek any kind of support group or treatment. When he drinks he cannot stop and will drink to the point of blacking out. But he never forgets my phone number to come pick him up.I'm recieving criticism from my friends for keeping him in my life. I know I can never have a relationship with him that i deserve. I care about him and love him and feel like I need to be here for him but in the meantime my life is on hold. I'm the only person he will even admit to that he has a problem. But then I wonder does he continue to see me because i'm most likely the only woman that would tolerate his behavior? Do I see him through this disease and stick by his side? I have other dating options with people who can essentuate my life. But a part of me is fearful of what may happen if I walk out of his life. I don't want to make anything worse everyone has pretty much walked except me. There is nothing I can do for him except be a friend and try to keep him safe from killing himself or someone else as far as providing a ride when he has once again drank to oblivion. Can anyone relate or have words of encouragement? thank you
Thank you for sharing your thoughts , love and compassion . We who live with or have lived with he problem of alcoholism can certainly identify with everything you have shared.. This is indeed a dreadful disease over which we are powerless.
Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who understand as few others can. We too were lonely and frustrate because of coping with this disease. The Alanon face to face meetings that are held in most communities help to break the isolation caused by interacting with this disease. The meetings, new alanon tools, reading alanon literature, the Steps, living one day at a time all help to change our attitudes and actions into ones that support our greater good.
I urge you to checkout the meetings in your area Alanon's main number can be found in the white pages. A simple call for meeting times and places could open the door to freedom for you and your friend
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story. There IS definitely help and hope for you, and should you choose this path for yourself, there will be hope for him, too.
I suggest you read this carefully....
http://www.bendfeldt.com/alcholism.htm
You are on the Merry-Go-Round. You will learn that you are doing him no favors by continuing to rescue him from the consequences of his drinking.
May you find peace and serenity in your relationship with this friend.
Aloha Maria and welcome to the board. I'm hoping that you get to the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area. Their hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book. I read thru your post twice because it is so much like what I went thru with my alcoholic/addict wife and I got to inventory my part in the relationship with help from the program. What I found was that I wasn't helping because the consequences always came out the same or worse...things got worse and I learned what I was doing was "enabling" it to get worse without even intending it to. The more I did for her the more facility, time and ability she had to drink and use...and she did. Another part of the inventory showed me that my idea and definition of love was actually need. I didn't love her...often I just totally disliked what she did however as she was addicted to her chemicals and the use of them I was addicted to her...I "needed" her not loved her. There was I discovered a wide different between the both. I came to love her later after I learned how to love unconditionally...everyone and my self.
Hi Maria and I can so relate to your story. I hope you can find local face to face Al-anon meetings for yourself, the meetings, MIP and my sponsor helped me love myself when I truly didn't know how. I learned self care/love, boundaries and dettachment so I didn't keep burning myself out. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was so very helpful also. Sending you much love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
You know, you don't have to do any certain thing to receive our love and support in Al-Anon, whether on-board or in a face-to-face at a meeting (and I hope you go to one). The love and support we offer in Al-Anon is unconditional. Some Al-Anon members continue living with their qualifiers. Some of these folks find contentment and joy despite the As around them. Others find that they can't live with the alcoholic/s anymore. Sometimes these things take time. Other times, we decide, 'hey, I can't do this. I'm done.' Maybe you can just decide on something YOU want to do for YOU today. That may be enough for today. It's a good start. Even if it is as simple as taking a walk or watching a fun movie. That's how we start. We start with ourselves.
The literature reminds us to take it easy on ourselves. Just keep talking, keep reaching out. Make friends with yourself. Accept our friendship and support.
The three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you control it.
