The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I had a major breakdown last night. The last two weeks have not been great for several reasons, not all the alcoholism. Last night the wife cracks open bottle one and we watch some TV. I was majorly stressed and the fact that she was there drinking didn't help. Well, I suggest we get in our hot tub (thinking maybe this would help me relax some. I went upstairs to change and heard bottle #2 come open. I just couldn't take it. I come down and said in a calm tone that I changed my mind and didn't really feel like getting in any more. I went upstairs and she comes in, grabs her pillow, says she can't do this anymore and she is sleeping downstairs that night. I went downstairs and just broke down. She said that she feels like she is always doing something wrong. I told her that I thought I hadn't said anything to her in weeks (her drinking never came up). I told her that I was honestly not angry at her. I'm not, I know this is not her fault its the disease. I told her that I was very stressed out for various reasons, the holidays are my least favorite time of the year because my father is no longer around and I am the sole male left in our family. She hugged me and I cried. I told her how angry I was. She was assuming that it was all just stuff I have dealt with at work and my father being gone, but the third reason is how angry I am at this disease.
I look at others and wonder why it is that I have this to deal with. I look at others' lives and am envious. I know other people have their own problems. I just can't help it that it makes me mad that this is in my life. Maybe I didn't do the right thing last night, I dunno. The wife did say last night she had been thinking and wanted to start going back to church tomorrow. I agreed. Today hasn't been so bad, but I did volunteer for some easy overtime at work today so here I am.
Not sure I am looking for any kind of response or not, just very "lost" if that makes sense. Thanks for reading everyone.
i am reading you and this makes all very much sense indeed. i know that 'lost' feeling too. I discovered for myself that it is fear. Fear that comes when I don't know what I have to deal with, fear that I am not able to deal with , fear that something else than me is currently controlling my life. And there is a lot to fear indeed. This disease takes people ways we can never imagine, makes people react they don't actually wanna react...these reactions scare the hell out of me. Fear also comes when I feel that I don't have my partner in front of me, but some strange person who drowns in selfishness. I discovered in the last months, waht really helps me is the magical word of 'detach' and letting go'. Yes i too tend sometimes to look at other people's lives, that's what we all do, since we live with other people. But it's not a good thing for me to do. you know why? I'm unique, so are you and you and you.... How can another person possibly know what my needs and priorities in life are?? Noboday can show me how to live MY life the way i need it. I can get 'ideas' or 'inspiration' from others, and that's why it is nice to relate to others. But the 'execution of my life plan', i have to do it for myself, in that moment it is best to let other people be, what they wanna be...and focus on myself. I am the only person who can make myself happy. If that has happened, and it does regularly but little steps I do for myself, ...the I get that true happy face, and then it is a chain reactions,..other people aroudn me start feeling my happiness, and come along..if they choose to.
I don't know if all this makes sense to you...but yes, I feel lost too sometimes, and more if I let in this disease more...because that's what it does. I find it good to spend time on my own, peaceful time, with things I like to do most...I need this time..and it doesn't matter then what other people are up to currently..truth is we never see behind the curtain of other people's lives. Truth is, everybody has his own path and struggles...because nobody is perfect. Everybody has dreams and nightmares....you don't ned to feel alone in this.
Thank you for sharing your feeling, it reminds me to keep the focus on me. Find something nice for yourself for today!You deserve a treat...Enjoy yourself
You are okay, my friend. Breakdowns have their purpose, they bring us to our knees in surrender. Thats how it worked for me anyway, once I let it. Desperation was necessary before I could be ready for God.
I had had numerous mini breakdowns in the past, always stopping short of admitting my powerlessness. So I'd keep trying again and again to get him to understand, try to open his eyes, kept doing what I had always done, kept thinking my negative thoughts about my situation, which was predominately, "This isnt right!!!!!" Sometimes, I admit, I used the drama to emphasize to him," Look what youre doing to me!!" Those days were my personal hell. Today I know, my thoughts are what led me there. my thoughts always lead me one way or the other - either to heaven or to hell. I get to choose.
My breakdown was a gift because once I hit my bottom and my head cracked open, Higher power could come in. Finally, I was no longer too hip to crawl into al-anon meetings. And once I got a sponsor, she challenged me to attempt 7 meetings in 7 days. I resisted of course, I realized I was actually going to have to WORK for my serenity, aaaaack. there was going to be no simple wave of a magic wand....
I will challenge you to step up your meetings, my friend, because at the end of those seven days, it actually did feel like a magic wand for me, it felt like I was floating in God's grace. I kept going because that feeling of serenity is sooooo immense, I wanted it more and more. it just took the action of getting myself to a simple meeting.
Step two is situated at the base of recovery for a very good reason, once we admit powerlessness, we need to understand WHO has all the power. Relying on my own power is NOT enough, I need a power GREATER than myself to deal with insanity. Did it occur to you to pray last night when life was feeling unmanageable? It is the most practical thing in the world to ask for a miracle, but how often I can forget. once we tap into a Power Greater than ourselves, we don't have breakdowns anymore because we turn our thoughts over, that is the miracle right there, we are responsible enough to ask God for help. we suddenly have the support of the One who runs the entire universe. we get to CHOOSE. We get free will, Higher power is always willing to let me have those breakdowns as long as I insist I am going to handle life on my own.
I don't choose that today anymore. You don't have to either, my friend. It's going to be okay. Surrender is a good thing.
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 2nd of December 2012 12:17:07 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Living with the disease of alcoholism can really be draining. It almost feels like there isn't room for any additional problems. I remember anything additional just set me over the edge. When there was added stress, I felt so lonely because I couldn't turn to my husband for emotional support. Continuing in Alanon by making meeting and finding a sponsor to share with really helped in those times when I felt so overwhelmed. How lucky you are that your wife could offer a hug while steeped in her disease.
I admire how you worked the program by honestly sharing your feelings with her, rather than stuffing your feelings. To me, that has always been a boundary issue. My boundary is that I have a right to honor myself with consistency in communicating honest feelings rather than disregarding myself by (people pleasing) - reshaping my communication for the audience. To thine own self be true. I also like the way you used T.H.I.N.K. (thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, kind) when speaking your truth.
As far as breakdowns, from my experience, working the spiritual part of the program has been and continues to be the glue to keep me whole.
I hope you'll keep coming back and to share your recovery journey. Thanks for sharing. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 2nd of December 2012 10:44:19 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Aloha hdftby and thanks for the memories cause I've been there and done that also. To this day the unique sound of a bottle or can of booze still reminds me of then. As hard as I didn't want to show I was affected by her drinking and using and as often as I said I wasn't ...I did and I was and then I was told that I could not not be affected so I had to use the program of Al-Anon recovery and the tools to help hold on to my sanity and serenity. Sometimes are easier than others and when I get to expect the ups and downs often they don't seem so large. Going to church isn't as good a promise as going to rehab or AA or such. It's kinda sorta like stop gap for the family and not for her. Hell my family use to go to early services so that they could drink earlier in the day on Sunday without guilt. LOL. We were soooo sick!!
Let your break down be a bye gone and turn it over. Let go and let God and don't watch how God's handling it either. (((((hugs)))))
I hope you are attending alanon meetings. Of course you had a break down it's ok .. you are human and we aren't suppose to walk around on egg shells pretending everything is ok when it's not. It sounds like you handled the situation well considering you didn't make it about her drinking .. it was about you.
These are situations where I know I need support and I know I need other people who understand where I am at, who have been there done that or are going through that hell in the hallway feeling. You are not going to get that loaf of bread at the hardware store. You can share what you are feeling with your spouse however I know I can't expect anything from my STBAX as far as a glimmer of understanding, compassion and so on.
I do also hope you were very gentle with yourself and you don't beat yourself up about spilled milk .. it's done gone situation as they say you can't breathe yesterdays air, you have to keep moving forward and no you aren't going to handle every situation perfectly, you will handle every situation to the best of your ability with the given information that you have in that moment.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It sounds like you are just working through some confusing and conflicted feelings. That's part of being human. The only thing I can suggest is to bring your higher power more into it and ask for your HP's help in dealing with all this. Other than that, I don't think displays of sadness and confusion are "breakdowns." I believe you just showed you are human and that's just part of what makes you a good person and a really valuable member around here.
I felt that way when I was still wrestling with letting go of my AH and his drinking, I thought if I behaved a certain way, put out consequences or tiptoe the right way it would help, nothing ever did, it was his battle. I was walking aorund just feeling like I was in a pit because of someone else. It does get better with your own recovery program, have you found a sponsor or attended many meetings? It seemed to me I was better able to live dettached when I dove into my program. Sending you much love and support.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
