Reality hitting close to home - Al-Anon Family Group

cinders · Veteran Member

Reality hitting close to home

life_is_good · Member

We have identical situations, as I said last week. My AH filed and when I received the papers in the mail, I can't even describe the emotions I felt. I too, could not believe that he was going to take this all the way. I have said to him many times what you said to your AH. It is absolutely unfathomable to me how a person can change so dramatically and become so distant and unloving so suddenly when faced with having to choose alcohol or their family. I am thankful for my Alanon face to face meetings. I attend twice a week and I have to say that I do prefer one meeting over the other, but they do help. I know I made the right decision in asking him to make a choice between sobriety or his family because I had reached my bottom and his drinking was affecting the kids. When I do not contact him, he contacts me and we seem to chat as if everything is ok. Then I make the mistake of believing there is hope of him choosing sobriety and putting our family back together. It is as if he senses that I am doing ok without him and moving on so he has to reach out and reel me back in, which I fall for everytime. And then he has to remind me that he is divorcing me. I have only myself to blame for allowing myself to be sucked back in. I told him today that I will have absolutley no contact with him, even if he contacts me, UNLESS it is to tell me he is willing to try to reach sobriety with the help of AA. He has the names of AA members that are willing to talk with him if he decides he wants sobriety. He was able to control his drinking for a few weeks on his own but now is in the midst of a bender, worse than ever before. He is in absolute denial of having a drinking problem as his world crumbles around him. He is the classic example of Nero fiddling while Rome is burning. I have to let him make this decision 100% on his own. He knows that I will be with him every step of the way if he chooses sobriety, but as of now, he isn't even close to making that decision.I have wasted so many hours and days trying to fix something I don't have the power to fix. Letting go and letting God is a very difficult thing to do. I have a lot of "if only" and "what if" moments but I am learning to change those moments to "only if" and "what is" moments. I know exactly how you feel and all the emotions you are going through. It is really strange how our stories are identical. I am on a trip I did not want to take and definitely did not make reservations for. Hang in there and get to those meetings. They really do help so much. And "keep coming back, it works if you work it, and you're worth it!"

cinders · Veteran Member

I managed to walk in that door today, even with out my sister with me. I am so very glad I went.

I moved out of our house 3 weeks ago and have not spoken with him once. I wish he would call. He does not call, he texts and emails once in a while. But only to say something about the house or the separation. On the Friday morning of my move, he left for work with out a goodbye, knowing that he would not see me again. He had a business trip and was leaving for about 5 days so I was on my own for the move, which is how I wanted it.

I would give anything to see him, talk to him and be in his arms. He is a good man who went very wrong. I see all the red flags now that I ignored in the beginning. He has so much to offer if he could just find a way to work through all of this.

My husband does not deny his drinking problem, he has times where he admits it is very real, he just chooses to not address it. I learned that he is moving out of our home today into the rental house we own. He owned the home prior to our marriage and always seemed to feel it was home rather than the one we made together.

I enjoyed going to hear what others had to say today and it was good to listen to them. I wish I had done it earlier now.

I am finally ready to cry. I am more heartbroken today than I ever thought possible. Kids are fed, house is locked up and its still very early, but I am going to head for bed, wrap the blankets around myself and enjoy the cry I have denied myself for 3 weeks.

Thanks so much for listening. I am very grateful to know there are others out there going through the same things.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Cinders,

I hope you had a good cry and a good release. You are not alone.

I am the one who filed because it's what he kept screaming he wanted. So my shock comes from the fact he won't let it go already. Just move on with the divorce and be done with it instead of all of the fighting between the courts. For a guy who wants a divorce he's dragging his feet in ways that boggle the mind. Technically the divorce should have been over literally in July. It's going to drag out until at this rate 2014.

Would have, could have, should have, .. all past please do not beat yourself up or romantize (sp?) the situation you were in .. it is and was unreasonable and his mistress (the bottle) for him has far more to offer than you do at this point in the game. It's so sad and I'm soooo sorry.

Have you ever seen the facebook post/pic that says guy after break up and then girl after break up? Basically in the beginning it shows the guy having a party and just the time of his life. Then it shows him a few weeks/months later having regret. Then the last pic is the guy crying because months later he finally gets what he gave up. On the opposite side is the girl. She cries and doesn't want to go out, then it shows her getting better in the same time frame, then it shows her smiling in the last post ready to move on.

I know it's not the same because there are no dreams shattered and kids involved .. yet it is in many ways. They say the hardest thing to get rid of is an alcoholic .. and I'm finding that to be very true.

What you can do is take care of you .. so I hope you keep attending those alanon meetings and you keep finding the support you need. The next best step to take is to find a sponsor.

Hugs P :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so glad you made that meeting, keep being gentle with yourself. Take good care of you and conitnue to feel the sad feelings and know in time this will pass. I can relate to your share and just want to send you lots of love and support!

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