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My husband and I have been together for 5 years, but have only been married for one. Now, I know when I let this all out some of you may bash me for some of the things I'm going to say, but please don't, it's not going to help any.
My husband is 44 years old, and I'm 23. We have 2 children together and one on the way. He started drinking right after our first son was born, 3 years ago. Now I know he had problems with drugs and alcholism in the past. I thought he was past all of that. I am fast forwarding the tape to now, now. For the past 8 months this has been my life with my husband......
He goes to work, comes home, says he's in pain and needs to unwind, pours a drink, sits infront of the tv, watches a show, then starts playing/screaming and video games, continues pouring drinks, and yelling at games, says he's tired at 10 and goes to bed. You can sometimes change it up by forcing him out of the house for errands and other stuff, but it doesnt seem to make a bit of a difference because as soon as his foot hits the front door he heads into the kitchen and makes a drink. He will even have a drink before he goes anywhere besides work.
Last night he asked me why I wait until we are in bed to tell him I want to "make love" and I guess the reason is that this is the only time I have his full attention. I feel like a single mother some days, and others I just want to run away. He's not always a "happy drunk" but he's not always a "mean drunk" either. He toggles between 3 to 5 glasses weekdays and Im unsure the amount on weekends.
Now before anyone asks, he has never hit e, or have gotten physical with me. But we do get into quite a few arguements lately/ screaming matches. He just seems so immature and irresponsible sometimes. His own daughter would rather talk to me lately rather her own father because no one can have a full conversation with him unless they are drinking and partying too. Is he hitting a mid age crisis or is he just becoming an alcoholic? I tell him to get help, but he tells me no, he's not an alcoholic. Somebody please tell me what I should do!!!!!!
Hi there ... this is such a personal thing, and everyone has different solutions and outcomes even when our situations are so similar, ... The first thing I learned was.. there IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO... you have to take care of YOU and be there for your kids... When and how much he drinks is beyond your control. Im sorry I cant "tell" you what to do.. I asked the same on the board when I first got on here too. I am not a "reader" but have found some books very helpful... and I mustve needed to have the info becasue i couldnt put it down.
I would love to say I have a happy ending, but the saying this to shall pass is more used in my life. The bad passes and even when I dont want the good times to go.. I know this too will pass.. As for me I am better than I was when I first started connecting with people in similar situations.
As I saw my AH going down the old path about a month or two ago.. I started getting a little sad recently ... I just ordered another book to give me more stregth through knowledge again. As far as kids.. I struggle trying to make sure my 7 yr old knows he CAN talk to me about ANYTHING including his dad with no one ever will know unless he wants them to. I also try to let him know its ok to have "feelings" being mad, sad or hurt are normal and we deal with them as best as we can.
I know this doesnt help, but more people may have better thoughts.. I just wanted to share mine with you.. TAKE CARE OF YOU
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
It's confusing to hear "take care of you" but the reality is, that's the only proven way to help both you and your husband. Right now the disease is running your house. I don't think from your discussion that he's "becoming an alcoholic" sounds like he's there and been there. It has so many levels but if there are problems from the drinking, then that's a pretty good indicator.
"Getting them Sober" by Rice is a good book to start with. Any of the "Boundaries" books by Cloud and Townsend also very good. Going to Al Anon meetings is key to your sanity. Take care of yourself and your kids, this disease will strip you of everything if you focus on it. It needs to be starved of attention.
Hugs. Read the posts, there are tons of great things on here.
Alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. One of the major symptom of the disease is DENIAL. The alcoholic cannot or will not own the illness and until they do they will continue doing what they need to do.
We are also badly affected by the disease and are other focused . We waste our time trying to get others to change so we can be happy. Alanon is a fellowship of people who have lived with this disease and who have found an answer.
I urge you to check out the Face to Face meetings in your community and attend . The number can be found in the white pages.
Aloha Becca and et and welcome to the board. Mid-life crises hmmmm I've never ever heard alcoholism compared to that before and then I'm not done yet either. becca alcoholism is a life threatening disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. It is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body...It cannot be cured; only arrested by total abstinence. Alcoholics have an addiction and therefore have lost control over whether they drink or not...the chemical does the choosing. Alcoholics affect everyone they come into contact with; friends, associates, family and spouses and we become as affected as they do except we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality and often it is worse for us. We go thru it wide awake and often they blackout and don't remember. Alcoholics have three choices...sobriety, insanity or death. We also have much the same three choices...Serenity, insanity or death. I've been around and around the program and disease for all of my life and I have seen all of the conditions come to pass.
I am also a former behavioral health therapist who has work experience with violent men and alternatives to violence...Not all violence is physical; much is emotional and mental, financial and sexual and more. Your husband is your husband and more and I can just believe that he is alcoholic also.
My suggestion is the same as the others who suggest that you get into the face to face Al-Anon meeting rooms tosit down, listen and learn what you can do about your situation as it gets worse and worse. Keep coming bach here also. ((((hugs))))
This is not a mid life crisis, its alcoholism if you ask me. Good start by coming here for YOU. Keep coming back. You didn't cause this, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. You've gotten some great advice here and if you keep coming back you will get some more help and support for YOU. And no bashing here. One day at a time. That's what you need to do. Also, remember those 3 Cs. Keep us posted. It helps not only you but helps others as well.
Thank you everyone. I would love to go to meetings face to face, but reality, I can't. If I tell him the truth about what I'm doing he'll be upset, and if I tell him I'm going to a friend's house he will start assuming that I'm seeing another man. I get told by many people around me that I should have never married a man so much older than myself, and that's what I was reffering to as far as bashing. Right now I am one of the most stressed out people I know, even though I know we all have our own stresses and obsticles. I have been in and out of the hospital with my 9 month old baby boy, he has low immunoglobulins, failure to thrive, an NG Tube, and the list goes on. I have strangers walking in and out of my house for my little boy its sad. Then I have my 3 year old who is into everything and also retaliated against everything due to the house levels of stress, and then myself with a high risk pregnancy. After I had my second son, I quit all drinking, I saw what it was doing to my husband, and realised that I don't want to drink anything and look like him. I used to go to the bar with him every once in a while and have a couple drinks, but I would only drink once in a while. Now I will have an occasional glass of wine or something a bit stronger, but I don't need a drink... ever. Last night he only had two drinks because we were both (yep I forced him) at the emergency room with our son! As soon as we got home he poured his drinks, and we went to bed. It was nice him not drinking all night until then. But because he drank them like a dehydrated dog, he was feeling it pretty good by the time he got to bed. Which makes me wonder how strong they were. No matter what I do it seems it will not make a difference. I will continue coming on here and look around, for now this will have to do for my sanity.
Thank you everyone for your feed back. I appreciate it!
I hope you can make it to an al-anon face to face meeting eventually, that is where I found people who understand my life. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was also very helpful. Sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
