How do you deal with the loneliness when your husband will not get help and you refuse to let him come home without it? - Al-Anon Family Group

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

How do you deal with the loneliness when your husband will not get help and you refuse to let him come home without it?

redandblack · Newbie

My husband and me have been seperated for eight months and he promises to get help everytime we talk but still has not even started to get help. I have three children 16, 17, and 20 and a 15 month old granddaughter who is my heaven. He says he misses us so much and wants to come home but I will not and can not allow that until he gets the help he needs. Before he left he was in a bad drug transaction and he was cut very badly that he could of died from. It was very scary and I worry that what if one of my kids was with him. I expressed this to him and he says he knows and he wants better. But I see no tries to get help. I am so lonely and want him to come home but I will not without help. My daughters were so against him coming home for a long time. My youngest wants him to come home because she sees me lonely and she misses him now but she feels the same as me. He has to get help first. How do you cope on an everyday basis and what if he never gets the help, how will I live day in and day out alone?

Sarah325 · Member

I am very new to this, Martha. My heart goes out to you. You are doing the right thing, stay strong. I t must be so hard, but you are doing it for your kids and for the peace.
Be Strong.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to Miracles in Progress Redandblack

Alcoholism is a dreadful disease that not only affects the person who is using it affects the entire family. Unfortunately we are powerless over this disease in others . I understand how tired , angry, and unsupported that you feel. After living with this disease we need a program of recovery that will enable us to learn to live useful happy lives once again.

Alanon is a fellowship of people who share their experience strength and hope in order to solve our common problem . . Face to Face meetings can be found in most communities .You can find a meeting in your area by going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

After checking out a meeting location you can find important information about alanon and alcoholism by placing your cursor over the US in the upper left of the screen, 3 more pull downs open. One of these are information for the newcomer, and the second is Al-Anon for you; both are excellent.

Please keep coming back here You are not alonel

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with getting all the above support you can. I would also state that time does heal all wounds and you guys will adapt and/or move on. Sounds harsh, but it's likely true. If he never gets help, then you have a set of choices to make. Many folks here ended their relationships when it became apparent things were not going to change. In the long run, it's healthy for you to find ways to entertain yourself and keep busy without him. I made a whole new support network when I left my ex-A. I constantly went to meetings and that kept me from being as lonely as I would have been otherwise.

Also, "getting help" is not an indicator of sobriety. Until the alchoholic/addict wants it, they can make like they are getting help and still use. If you are concerned about protecting yourself and the kids from his addiction, it's more helpful to watch for if your husband is really embracing recovery through lots of meetings, having a sponsor, calling the sponsor regularly, and working the steps. Those will be indicators of change, not begrudgingly going to a couple meetings or to rehab without wanting to.

redandblack · Newbie

Thank you and I do agree. We have went throught the pretending to get better by doing a few meetings and then drinking or using at the same time and saying Im doing better some. I am not fooled by this anymore. I am thankful to have my eyes open to these behaviors because at one point in time they werent. I am more knowledgable and hope I will keep getting more information to make the days better and better. Some days are better and some are rough but I do take one day at a time and we are making it through.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Face to face Al-anon meetings helped me through my seperation and lonliness, I dove in and met some great people who truly understand. I am glad you posted here. Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews? Great book and so enlightening. Sending you muych love and support on your journey!

redandblack · Newbie

thank you and I will definitely check out that book

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.