The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi Jim, thanks for the reminder of our slogan "compare and despair." I have to remember not to compare my insides to everyone else's outsides, it's a complete illusion that everyone but me is living a blissful life. That is a lie, the disease talking, my friend. I go there sometimes too.
I had alcoholic parents and suffered abandonment throughout my entire life, from my friends as well. When I came to al-anon, I was miserable in my alcoholic marriage. Even in a relationship, if you are in it for the wrong reasons like trying to get your needs met, you are going to live an unhappy life, been there, done that. the relationship will become difficult because basically we're walking around with the belief in our head that somehow we're not enough on our own. that's a lie, the disease talking again, we have a thinking disease....
not to mention, it's an impossible expectation to have of someone, it all leads to resentment and bitter fights when they fail to make us happy. when my husband and I didn't meet each others needs, we hated other. One minute we're in love, the next we're verbally stabbing each other... that is a codependent relationship in a nutshell. It did not work well for me to make a fellow human being my higher power - that was the exact nature of my wrong.
Program literature talks about not putting the cart before the horse.... the spiritual in us must be straightened out before all the other things can fall into their right place.
Long ago, my sponsor told me, "If nobody's loving you, there's still you, sweetie, you're all that's left." I hated her that day, hahaha! but I guess I was desperate enough to take all her suggestions, I knew what I had been doing my entire life was not working, I came from an alcoholic home! she told me to start doing things that make ME happy, to make a list and do them. Have a love affair with myself.
we're kinda hard-wired to get love and approval from others because we had to "earn" it at home, just to get a scrap of attention, right?? But I am never happy when I try to manipulate others to like me and I'm sick and tired of trying to get my sense of self-worth from how people respond to me. I was told as an adult, I cannot be abandoned anymore. however, I can abandon myself. how? I can totally forget that I have a relationship with the creator of the entire universe!
I love this program because today I have the guidance of the steps. when life becomes unmanageable (uncomfortable) I know just what to do. I go to step 2, turn to the ultimate power, the ultimate relationship I can never be separated from unless I choose to separate myself, even then, it has not left me. My experience is, God is very clear and very aware that I want Love in my life. The way it worked for me, I had to love myself first, I had to learn that lesson. I had to learn that everything I will ever want is already within me. it was a recognition.
And then, love came. this is the first relationship I have ever been in that does not feel like an obsession because I never gave him the power to BE my higher power.
I can't remember if you attend ACA meetings, they are a big help to me. My favorite ACA books are From Survival To Recovery, and Hope For Today, a daily reader. And I, personally, would love to see your list of things you do that brings you true joy (((hugs)))
"Oh soul, you worry too much. Your arms are heavy with treasures of all kinds." -Rumi
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 29th of November 2012 11:03:26 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of Al-Anon.
The other day a member shared with me some very kind words. One of the things they mentioned after hearing my story was that it sounded as though I had been emotionally abandoned at a very young age when a young man is just coming into his own. Because of this I have had to learn all new ways of thinking and reacting on my own. It really resonated with me.
Even though I physically had parents they were not there for me emotionally and mentally. At 16, after my mother left my dad raised me as a single father. He entered into various relationships with other alcoholics and always put them and his disease first. My needs emotionally and financially were always in second place. I always craved physical and emotional affection and intimacy with someone because I never received it. That is why I am so gung ho on being in a relationship because I think it will give me what I have been craving all my life. Whenever someone rejects me, I feel as though they are rejecting my needs. They are abandoning me and simply deeming me unworthy. Here is the kicker though. I feel even more rejected and abandoned when my friends get into relationships.
I have a group of friends. We are all 27-31 age range. Most of them are coupling up, moving in together, getting married, the next step will be having babies. I am really starting to feel like a child among adults even though I am more adult and mature than half of them. I am happy for them but I feel as though their path in life doesnt leave room for a single guy like me. Because of this I am slowly distancing myself. Turning down invitations, setting some boundaries. We are growing in different directions and I am feeling abandoned. Its to the point now where the prospect of seeing them is unbearable because I cant face the loneliness and sense of abandonment.
This abandonment has been happening throughout my time in this circle. I was invited to all of their weddings except for 1 couple. Me and another guy didnt get an invite. I had to sit back and listen to them all talk about it. Abandoned! One time these friends tried to set me up with a girl. She rejected me and started dating another guy in the group and had to watch. My needs were completely abandoned and cast aside.
Another friend of mine was someone that most people consider condescending and rude. He met a girl and I expressed disbelief vocally that he could meet someone ( i have since made amends). I felt as though I was being abandoned and neglected by someone I had no attachment to. I still felt like I was being cast aside because there is no room for me anymore. My needs are not important. I am not in a couple. I feel abandoned. As if to say why arent my needs being met? Where do I fit in now? What role do I have? Am I still even needed? Am I still even wanted? What purpose is there for me now? I dont feel like they are meeting my needs. Needs that I feel having a girlfriend/wife would.
My whole life I have been abandoned and that is why I keep people at a distance. I always proclaim that I am the last to have things happen to as though being abandoned is inevitable. Even in all the relationships Ive been in I kept them at a distance so I can reject them first before they abandon me. I feel my needs arent being met and havnt been in a long time. This is quite a revelation for me.
Thank you for sharing with us so honestly .. I am so grateful when members get honest .. every share helps another and this has also helped me to read .. I can relate .. I love that the need to talk, share what's in our minds and heart is one need met here today and everytime we come ..
I've been thinking alot about emotional needs, emotional dependancy even, vs emotional sobriety .. I've also been looking alot at the guessing what's normal through adult child confusion .. From attending meetings, etc .. face to face, and other areas of help i've turned to .. the times i feel my emotional needs met are the times I walk out of the meetings with serenity .. when i think of others fulfilling my needs, i'm wondering if this is really what i'm looking for from them .. serenity and worth .. this type of need in my experience has only been met by higher power and the ability to be able to share honestly within our circles .. I know for me many times, I turn to others whose lives are equally as chaotic or have emotional dependancys and expect them to provide these things for me ..
Lately I've been guessing what's normal .. my entire life i thought i wasn't normal because i wasn't waking up to a smooth-sailing type of life .. i had problems, fears, anger, etc.. and i thought that was all abnormal because surely noone else did .. (they never shared openly, so .. i assumed) this week i've been recognising that the problems, fears, angers, even the depths of my confusion have actually been normal .. but i'm wondering if i was thinking i will be normal when i finally rid myself of the emotional roller coaster .. The roller coaster is becoming more normal than I expected .. especially for one who has struggled with alcoholism for as long as i have .. I'll be normal too when .. I don't 'feel anger, fear, confusion .. etc .. that was the normal around me .. I think many times noone was feeling anything .. it was normal to feel numb so to speak ..
lately i've been looking at my life and self worth in comparison to a car that has depreciated once its been driven off a lot .. alcoholism is such a thief .. it robs us of our joy, pickpockets our dreams, deprives us of close relationships, etc.. the more i've lost, the more my worth has gone down .. there are many areas i'm working through right now and the hardest need i have right now is to focus more on healing me rather than on outside needs .. I'm unemployed right now and desperately missing the working with others and yet i have a need to focus on just me right now .. although this is a hard reality for me to accept, and a depressing one at times, the hardest person i find i have to face is me .. others do not understand outside these meetings, and we understand as perhaps few others ' can .. i look at me and see the areas that are still unavailable in me and i feel the voids even from looking .. I'm seeing it's normal to have these voids, and to feel the past abandonment ..
Your share gave some insight for me in being left out of situations or feeling that i am, different levels of abandonment, but I am absolutely seeing this week that I keep turning to people for something, in my experience, my higher power (God) is turning out to be the only one able to fulfill .. I know higher power is absolutely in the process of working on me, etc .. but I even can feel abandoned by him at times as well .. i think that's one of the blocks between us because somehow i think if god abandons me .. that's it .. i'm done ..
It's humbling to come on even online and put things out in the open and yet I don't know if i typed it above or not, but the hardest person i need to face right now isn't necessarily everyone i share with .. it's me but the beauty of it is that the shame piece is healing .. it's normal to be this confused considering .. but i am absolutely willing to cast my doubts and cares about sharing onto my higher power and go to whatever lengths I need in order to meet my needs for recovery .. he will be the one to continue to meet them and for that I am entirely grateful ..
i'm sure others will have more to share .. thanks again .. keep sharing ..
Hi again Jim, I just gotta comment on that statement, my sponsor always reminded me that no where in our program does it say we're supposed to fix ourselves, more stress and strain and forcing solutions. It is suggested that we surrender. and provide the willingness to Let go and let God. The al-anon way is to work The Twelve Steps. and in steps 6-7 we get to determine if we are entirely ready... or not.... to have God remove our defects from us. I had to be willing to let a power GREATER than myself change me, heck, if I could do this stuff myself, what would I need al-anon for? what would I need a Higher power for??
You don't mention where you are in working the steps on this problem. What I remember about being in your shoes with this same problem, they told me I had choices. I could stop resisting things as they are and when I was feeling the self-pity again, I could make the choice to shift gears and say,
"Thank you God, I trust you."
that was how I practiced steps two and 3. I was told to make a list of what was GOOD about being single, there are lots of great things and I am still enjoying them.... especially my fluffy 'princess bed' I bought for myself after the divorce, the style is decidedly feminine and is soooo comfy..... and I never have to take into consideration what to cook for dinner anything other than what I like, I can eat all the vegetables my little heart desires.... I come and go as I like, don't have to worry about meeting anyone's expectations of me... I get to leave my stuff out, all over the house if I want.... I get to play piano at all hours.... and I have control of the TV remote!!! It's very nice.
I love the share about 'just for today, it hasn't yet come.' that thought expresses hope and faith, not fear. FEAR about the future is the opposite of the solution. When I was in your shoes and would see a couple holding hands, I stopped falling into my old self-pity and I began to say, "YES, Great universe. I will be open to that. some day." I learned to be happy in the moment, with things as they are. I learned to surrender, to have faith and trust that God will work out a solution in God's own perfect timing, it has to be this way in all other areas of my life too. that is how I work my al-anon program. Take what you like, my friend.
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 29th of November 2012 12:54:48 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you for having the courage to put that post out there. It helps so much to know that I am not alone.
For me, I already know how I "should" be thinking...I know I should stop comparing myself to others, I know I have to get my house in order before I can be in a relationship...I know all that stuff, and I suspect you do too.
Yet when every commercial on TV...nearly every person in my life and surroundings...it's all about doing this or that with a sweety etc..we are barraged with messages about how our lives should be...and for me, I always feel like mine doesn't measure up. this time of year is tough for me too...short dark days, lots of stress at work, the holidays, and way too many obligations to have time to really tune in and take care of myself.
I don't know what else to do but to pray about it...and I just keep plugging away at life, doing the next right thing. I try very hard to put healing energy out into the world...because I ALSO know that there are many people in pain...maybe not the kind of emotional pain you and I are in, but pain nonetheless. I pray for them too.
I don't know what the future holds for me in terms of relationships. That is really tough on me. Honestly, I hate it. My mom gave me a little quilt that said "Patience means doing something else in the meantime" -- so until a relationship comes along, I have to stop isolating, and licking my wounds, and get out there and have fun in ways that are meaningful to ME.
I can so relate to this share and it has taken me a long time to get what shrinks have been telling me for years I have to be the parent to myself I did not get from my parents of origin.
What they were really trying to say (at least I think so .. lol) is I have to love myself first, meeting my own needs first, find a complete self before I would be able to find happiness. Alanon has opened my eyes to a new level of healing and happiness even in the midst of craziness.
Two of the things that keep knocking around in my own brain for the past couple of months really is what it means to really be a grown up. I'm so not there .. lol .. that could be a good thing and a not so good thing. I struggle with this a lot though. The other is emotional sobriety. I suffer from getting "high" off of the extremes in things emotionally. I see this more now that I am out of the addictive relationship. If i had to start over in terms of slips and get a new coin in that regard I would never make it 30 min on some days. YIKES!!!!
That abandonment is really a tough one and I'm finding that as I trust my own higher power, I can give qualified trust and I can trust better as I move along. I am trusting myself more and because of that I can meet my own needs vs looking for that outside whatever to meet them. I grew up feeling that my emotional needs were not met. I just happened to be there and I happened to be in the way at times. It was an alcoholic home without the alcohol.
Anyway, thank you very much for this share and keep coming back. It really does get better.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you all for your kind words. I fully realize that I need to fix what's in me first before I can have someone else in my life. I feel I am ready to move on from the bar and pub scene and take on the next step in life. I will not expect another person to solve everything but I am tired of 'going it alone'. The reason why I think I am distancing myself from my friends is because we can't rely on just ourselves for 'EVERYTHING'. We need human affection, attention, proper interaction. One of the reasons I am big on attending al-anon meetings is that my needs are being met. People listen, if I don't show up they notice, I don't feel like I'm just another face. As a GR, I am relied upon. As a speaker I am heard and all eyes are on me. I get hugged. I don't get that with my current friends. I do not fault them, they've done nothing wrong, but this really is about fixing myself
This couple I once knew seemed happy, whenever we would go to the local pub and they were there; one time after my final split from mr ex, I was talking with her and describing how it was - how we would be having fun, leave the pub and in the five blocks it took to get home, end up in a head-spinning fight with him slamming the car doors, leaving me in the car, stalking into the house and being in bed uncommunicative by the time I came indoors. She - who I thought was so much happier - said the same thing happened with them! Seemingly happy friends may not be so happy when its just them. Thats one thing.
The other thought I have is - I have an emotional need to meet someone else's needs. I meet this need pretty easily these days by helping an elderly neighbor among others - opening myself up to where I can be of service to others I care about and, surprise surprise, it brings me a great amount of happiness! My daughter used to scoff, how can you want to do that for no money? My reply: it makes ME feel good to be giving of myself to others in need, their happiness at my helping them, fills my emotional tank.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I'm glad you have the alanon, jim .. if our shares are as honest in there as they are in here, the answers will come .. Since the shame piece of "what's wrong with me" is lifting in me, I'm able to share on a much more honest and deeper level .. and of course there's the holdover time .. days it feels we're in the dark valley .. one thing I know is the things we bring in the light lose their power to dominate our thinking .. the inbetween the serenity days are hard but I know sometimes god puts me in situations that are difficult in order for those situations to bring things out in me that otherwise wouldn't surface .. I have to see them before I can turn them over to him .. I'm debating on getting into service myself .. I'm here, for the moment I have the time .. I do not want to be gr at this point due to the fact I have kids, but outreach may be a good place to begin .. .
I know for me also when there are difficult times .. I'm recognising I'm powerless (not helpless) in that I haven't received the awareness, freedom, or wisdom yet: when I work through my prayer and meditation lately, I just keep asking for the wisdom to know. (my answers, etc.. )
Lots of wisdom here. There's a happy medium with regard to relationships. Personally, I always found it too easy to get into a relationship. I never had problems finding someone to date, but often wound up dating the wrong people. That's not a good place to be either. So watch that you don't perceive the grass as being greener 100 percent of the time. Remember that 60 percent of those friends you have all happily skipping down the ailses are going to get divorced (sounds really harsh and cynical and I wouldn't tell this to them in the moment of their happiness, but it's true).
Jim, you have lots of good insights and awareness. I have found that once you reach those points of awareness, you are almost forced to change (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) because it just hurts to much to stay the same. What Pushka stated about reparenting herself is really profound too. We internalize the voices of our parents as we grow up and are trying to learn right from wrong and form our values. If something goes wrong there - if a parent is rejecting or critical, those are the voices we have in our heads (not schizo voices usually LOL) and those become the building blocks for how we treat ourselves and others.
Many relationships counselors state that the majority of folks get into relationships looking to "complete" the parenting job that was either undone or just to continue it because that is the nurturing they are accustomed to. I think that is the crux of IMAGO relationship therapy which is "all the rage" nowadays evidently. Personally, I think it's just psychodynamic therapy repackaged.
Anyhow, I had lots of therapy to get my critical mother's condemnation out of my head. It took a LONG time. Years even after knowing where my low self-esteem came from, I still didn't know how to go about changing. Only the 12 steps really got the ball rolling. You are already well into this process.
Great share! I am very codependent and I have to really watch myself in times of great stress, I will become a clingon. I have had to learn to keep myself healthy and surround myself with people who understand. I have had abandonement issues among my many others and I have learned to take the walls downa dn be vulnerable with the right people and it has helped me to make a few quality friendships lately. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
